What on God’s green earth is wrong with people? If I hear one more yoga-panted person spouting off about being positive about every damn thing, I am going to punch them in their Ashtanga throat!
Isn’t it fucking exhausting? The endless hours of meditation, chanting, repetition of affirmations, mastering awkward contortions of the body, the hand-washing of all the sacred positivity vestments–all to appear “positive.” It shouldn’t be this difficult!
Truth be told, I think most people only pretend the Zen. Eyes shut, sitting in perfect yogi pretzel formation seemingly transcended into a place of pure and total relaxation–yeah, I don’t think so.
They are all quietly wondering the same damn thing, “When the hell is this going to end? How long, damn it, how long? Someone, anyone, make the first move, start to get up so we can unfurl our limbs and stop pretending this is something we really want to do!”
No one enjoys sitting in a room with the temperature set at Inferno along with a bunch of tightly-clad, smelly, farting, queefing, stuffed sausages posing as positive people when they could be doing something, anything else! It’s all a show.
But these days we must all be enlightened, right? If you aren’t munching on wheat grass or able to pick up that organic raisin that is your lunch up off the floor – with your tongue – WITHOUT bending your knees then you, my friend, are not – positive. You are negative.
If you don’t have in your possession at least one prescription of Xanax, Valium, or some sort of quick sedation or Organic Essential Oils to slather yourself in to suppress the natural human urge to tell the douchebag next to you to eat with his mouth shut or you’re going to put your fist in it, then well, I’m sorry, you are just downright negative.
You have bad chi. You have bad energy. Your aura is a murky, suspicious looking mixture of brown, grey and dirt. Negative dirt at that! You need to belly on up to the Bliss Bar, no, no, not for a drink silly because eeee gads – alcohol!!! No, belly on up to some lemon grass, a luscious wheat germ smoothie or perhaps a nice gag inducing bowel cleanser, whereupon you can spend the next week shitting out your negativity and regaling your yogi-friends with every delightful detail of how you got it all ‘out of your system.’
All over the Interwebz – “10 Ways to Change your Negative Thoughts into Positive Thoughts”, “Be Happy, Be Positive”, “5 Chants to Bring You Instant Happiness.”
I hate to inform you and sprinkle my very uncleansed and dirty particles of negativity nearby, but we are not supposed to be happy every second of every day. Shit happens. Bad shit, crazy shit, undeserved shit, just down-right shitty-damn-shit…it happens to all of us.
Deal with it! Scream and yell, stomp your feet, cry, assume the fetal position, do whatever you need to do to let it out! Then, you move on. You don’t need a pill, you don’t need to chant, you don’t need to Downward Dog, you don’t need to be part of a smelly, stuffed sausage group, you just need to be human and feel the intended emotion, yes, even the ‘negative’ ones.
Is it any wonder so many people feel like something is wrong with them yet cannot figure out what? Today, euphoria is the new normal and damn it, if you don’t feel it, if you don’t get it, there is something wrong with you. Very, very wrong.
NO! I refuse to buy into it or the marriage-wrecking, man-seducing, cellulite-showing fashion craze of yoga pants/yoga everydamnthing.
Normal is having some great days, some so-so days, some pretty crappy days and some ‘I’ll never make it til tomorrow’ days. It’s life. Experience it. Experience your best friend hugging you and telling you it’s going to be ok. Experience your toddler saying, “Don’t cwy, mama, it awight.” Experience a hug from your spouse telling you that you’re strong and listen to that heartfelt ‘oh, yes you can’ speech. Experience someone embracing your limp body, holding you up, wiping your tears and telling you that you will be able to make it through this tragedy.
This is NOT negativity. This is love in its purest form. The old saying, “You can’t taste sweet unless you’ve tasted sour” is true. Of course we prefer being happy and having things go our way and lots of times they do. We need to feel and appreciate those moments because before long, life is going to kick our ass and knock us down again and for me, I want to feel it, every bit of it.
When life knocks you down, get right back up and hit it right in the gut with your yoga-strong thigh.
That’s what the yoga is for!
Other than writing about love, life, laughter and gratitude, Mary’s passions are her family, friends and her deep ancestral roots to Scotland. She embraces the Peter Pan philosophy, “Never gonna grow up, not me. Life is but a blink of an eye, cherish the fairy dust moments.” Follow her blog at The Heart of Sassy Lassie and also at Facebook, Twitter, Google+ and Pinterest