It’s easy just to be a man
and not give one good hot god-damn
about your skin or hair or teeth
or your cock, which smells of pee.

Women are not quite so blessed
in fact it makes me quite depressed
to come home every god damn night
and have to do my evening rites.

First I have to draw a bath
so hot I almost singe my ass.
I shave my legs, I shave my kitty
then I shave under my pitties.

One thing: I can’t just shave with soap
That would be too dry, you know?
I have to use a body wash
To moisturize my legs and crotch.

And while I’m shaving, on my hair?
A conditioning treatment is sitting there.
It needs a long time on my head
At least that’s what the bottle said.

Once I’m done and rinsed all clean
I still have to apply my cream.
The lotion I use alleges that
it will tighten up my fat.

Applying the lotion lets me see
if I’ve missed a hair or three.
I pluck them out or shave them down
The loners in Toe and Nipple Town.

You’d think I’m done, but oh no no
We still have a ways to go
I put stuff on my splitting ends,
pluck my upper lip, and then

I still have my whole face to wash
with miracle soap that oh-my-gosh
can lessen wrinkles on your face
and also fight acne just in case.

After that, it’s night cream time!
Thick and gooey and feels like slime.
It comes in a jar with a little lid
and smells like my dead Grandma did.

One last touch and that’s my eyes
I pluck the brows and moisturize
the purple bags and wrinkly bits
with pricy eye gel that don’t do shit.

Oh, I almost quite forgot
To clip my toenails so as not
to puncture my husband during sex.
Then I’ll paint them – clear, I guess.

Once the nail polish is dry
I’ll rub Vaseline all over my
supple and sexy and sweet little toes
as if anyone actually looks at those.

So that’s what one girl does at night
To make herself pretty, to make her feel right.
Thank you male gaze! All I can say
is you got what you wanted. Fucking A.

— — — — —

 

Sarah del Rio
Author

Sarah del Rio is a comedy writer whose award-winning humor blog est.1975 brings snark, levity, and perspective to the ladies of Generation X. Despite being a corporate refugee with absolutely no formal training in English, journalism, or writing of any kind, Sarah earns her daily bread as a freelance writer and editor. She has also contributed to several anthologies, including I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone, the latest installment in the national-bestselling I Just Want to Pee Alone series. Sarah contributes regularly to BLUNTMoms and has made frequent appearances on The Huffington Post Best Parenting Tweets of the Week List. She has also been featured on Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, and the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop. You can also follow Sarah on her blog est.1975 and on Facebook and Twitter.

8 Comments

  1. This is rock solid gold. If we can put it to music it is an anthem for the ages

    Genious.

  2. Pingback: linkies - est. 1975

  3. OMG you’re like Wordsworth only instead of talking about daffodils, you’re talking about Oil of Olay.

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