I often lament at the fact that I wasn’t a parent in the 80’s where my kids would play in the backyard virtually unattended and I would suntan on my deck, but 2017 does have one good thing going for it. ONLINE FUCKING GROCERY SHOPPING.
Seriously, this is a bit of a game changer in a life where I don’t even have time to routinely get my eyebrows waxed (hey unibrow fear is a real thing). I have often felt that my life would have been complete with my very own Geoffrey (you know the butler from Fresh Prince), but I have had to become my own Geoffrey/chauffeur/coach/maker of terrible food/working mom, so having someone else do my grocery shopping and all I have to do is pick it up for FIVE EXTRA DOLLARS? Hells yeah.
At first, I didn’t think I could do it. I mean how could Enrique, my personal grocery shopper, be able to pick out lettuce with the same meticulousness as I would? Could he really capture what looks like a good head of broccoli? Could he pick out the best apples or would I get the bottom of the barrel bruised ones that my whole family will refuse to eat? But after I watched an elderly lady dismantle all the grapes in the produce section to make her own bag of “perfect grapes” (which I watched with a mix of extreme horror and respect), I felt like this was the tipping point to give it a try. Oh, and Enrique is also the name of my fantasy Latin lover, so naturally he would also be my personal shopper.
So aside from the obvious benefits of not having to set foot into a grocery store and saving time and possibly money (no more impulse buys of the damn deal of the week…gets me every time), there are like a trillion other reasons this is the best thing ever.
Parking. I don’t know about you, but the grocery store I frequent is in the running for the worst parking lot in the city. I don’t know why people all of a sudden become asshats when it comes to parking. Like we all can’t be as close to the door as possible people! Someone has to be next to the cart carrel and get their door dinged a thousand times over. Plus, you mix cars with people, who include children and the elderly, along with large ass carts and you are just asking for a headache that results in a vehicle claim at the insurance agent.
Maneuvering those godforsaken carts around. I always get the one with the squeaky wheels and some sticky substance all over the bottom. These carts scream “Hit me in the back of my ankle while you are busy looking at different salad dressings and not watching where you are going.”
People. Grocery stores are filled with all different types of people. I think things wouldn’t be so bad if we had a set schedule for all these different groups. For instance, all the slow walkers and “take your time in every aisle people” go Monday afternoons. All those with children under 5, Friday evenings (hey you aren’t doing anything fun anyway). Those single people who are only buying avocados and stuff for juicing, you get Sunday mornings. You get the idea. So, if one of the single people who don’t have their carts overflowing with Bear Paws and bologna comes Friday evening when me and my two screaming kids are there, they wouldn’t be allowed to glare at me when my children stick their tongue out at them and it takes me 40 minutes to get through the check out. They asked for that when they didn’t want to get up early Sunday morning.
The end to “grocery shopping alone” being some sort of vacation. Whenever I happen to go grocery shopping without one or both of my children, my husband always says “Have fun, enjoy yourself.” Pardon moi? Really? Enjoy myself? This said by the same man who refuses to go to Costco because it is “the depths of hell” (his words, not mine). When my husband gets alone time, it is in the form of a golf game in the middle of the day that lasts five hours and comes equipped with beer. And I get grocery shopping? Yes, picking out five different types of cheeses and being pissed off that the best before date on all the dairy products is the very next day is actually my dream alone time. Yeah, the only way that would be true is if there was a private club you could go to after shopping where you could take a nap and then eat your one treat you allowed yourself in the grocery cart.
Running into people you actually know. So perhaps this makes me sound like I am a complete anti-social twat. Honestly, I’m super cool. But I literally don’t want to ever run into anyone that I personally know while I’m getting groceries. There are multiple reasons why. a) I usually am sporting that “fresh out of bed” look even though it’s 4 in the afternoon. b) I don’t want you to judge me for what is in my cart. You are lying if you don’t totally look into other people’s carts all the time, especially if you know them. That does explain why I cover my bags of chips with bags of kale. c) I really don’t want to make small talk. I already don’t want to be there and having to apologize to random people for having my cart in the way makes everything awkward. Plus, you just end up following each other around the store the rest of the way around and you end up having to say hi and chat in every single aisle. NIGHTMARE.
I could obviously go on and write an entire novel on the grocery shopping experience. Except now I have discovered a better way. A way to still get the bananas that are neither too green nor too mushy without having to actually interact with anyone, well except for Enrique. Now if I could just get Enrique to put all this shit away once I get it…but baby steps.
Carmen Beauchesne – I am a teacher in the crime fighting business, live in the Canadian prairies, and have 2 boys, a pre-schooler and a toddler. I spend most days eating salad alone at my desk at work and dreaming about going to the bathroom without having to clean it first. I am new to the blogging world, but have been published on yummymummyclub.ca and you can check out my blog at www.funnygirlproblems.com and on Twitter at twitter.com/@sadeatingsalad.
