Attention: Current and prospective mom friends with babies, toddlers, and preschoolers.
This declaration hereby serves as a motherly manifesto for all future playdates, whether they be held at playgrounds, play places, play houses, or my humble abode. Failure to read and agree to this document may result in missed playdates, angry participants, or never-ending respiratory viruses.
TIMING The meeting time discussed will not ever match the actual meeting time. Actual start time may be calculated by adding up the number of children in each family, multiplied by the number of shoes missing, and divided by the number of infants who are feeling too fussy to eat before scheduled send-off. Is everyone clear on everyone else’s nap schedules? Were you aware that one child has been up teething since 4:45 a.m. and thus will need to meet early to maximize play time before deteriorating into damnation incarnate? If it’s coat season, extend meet time by an additional 12 minutes — per child. In all, expect to meet no sooner than 35 minutes past the predetermined meet time. Never, ever show up to my house early, unless you want to see me in my natural state.
IN CASE OF ILLNESS do not show up. If any present member of your family is suffering from snotface, hacking wheeze, or the dirty diaper drizzles, you should respectfully choose another activity for the day. I love your children and value your friendship, but I don’t love anybody enough to let them wet-cough on my infant. Think they’re not contagious anymore? They are. Is it worth knocking the other family out of commission for six weeks while they pass your sweet germbag’s disease back and forth? It’s not. Failure to comply indicates an automatic waiver of your right to be indignant when I treat your kid’s discarded tissues like live grenades or start openly disinfecting everything he touches the moment it falls from his clammy little fist. I also won’t hold back from “building up your kiddo’s immunity” next time my little ones have a case of the pukes, in what I consider to be an act of biological warfare at its most adorable.
SNACK ETIQUETTE Decide before meeting whether snacks will be included in the play date, and if any allergen-specific snacks should be avoided. Failure to notify other playdate participants of intent to snack may result in coerced Goldfish sharing. Hand sanitizer and wet wipes are recommended. DO NOT FORGET THE CUPPIES.
BEHAVIOR No child is expected to be good all the time, but you are expected to at least try to steer him toward playing nicely and step in when he’s spiraling into a toddlerpocalyse. There is also a zero tolerance policy for gloating when your kid is behaving perfectly, because karma dictates yours will be the one to be hauled away screaming vulgarities the next time. If someone else’s kid is venturing into dangerous behavior (or, say, picks up dog poop with her bare hands) away from her mother’s watchful eye, you should step in as if it were your own child. If you are my friend or another kind acquaintance, I encourage you to respectfully let my kids know when they are being b-holes if I’m not there to do it myself.
THE MOM CODE dictates that we always band together for the sake of the kids. I will pick up where you fall short, and vice versa. When I forget to refill my supply of butt wipes on library day, you will always have some to share when my angel taints the musty smell of old books with a dump of the week. When you accidentally leave your snack at home, I will always share our extra graham crackers with your child. When the kids pick the most anxiety-inducing and crowded toddler-themed play place to attend, we will together withstand two hours of baby-squealing and boo-boos with mutual eye-rolling and by quietly taking inventory of which kids (and moms) have the cutest shoes. It’s all for one and one for all.
Now that the terms are out on the table, let’s put on our cutest play shoes and do this thing.
About the author: Catherine Naja is former journalist and mother of three under age four. She is a Huffington Post and Scary Mommy contributor and the voice behind www.ChokingOnApplesauce.com, a forum dedicated to seeking out the humor in all of motherhood’s most cringe-worthy moments. Find her on her blog, on Facebook, or repositioning someone’s blanket for the 978th time during any given nap time.
