I have seen a bit of porn in my time and let’s just say, it always left me with an overall feeling of…. REALLY? You kidding me, right? and WHAT THE FRACK!!!!
It always astonishes me how this industry could be growing by the minute and be flaunting a whopping multi-billion dollar profits from, well, to put it frankly, BULLSHIT! Well, it is for me, anyway. Maybe there are people who really love doing it the way they act it out in these movies, and kudos for them. I, however, can’t relate AT ALL and I even compiled a list of reasons why:
1. Uncooperative boobs.
On the few occasions I happened to get a peek of my two ode de joys while making sweet love, I kinda fell short of enthusiasm from looking at them drooping like deflated balloons, reminding me that the party that used to be my body is now recovering from a full blown hangover–or, as I like to call it, motherhood. Porn stars seem to have perfectly upright boobs pointing towards their partners. Not below, around, and across, like mine.
2. The premature moaning
Let’s be honest. When my husband starts touching me with the hope to get lucky, I might utter a moan, but it’s usually a “uh-uh” or “urrgh” sound. If we do decide to do the nasty, the only sounds we make is DURING, not BEFORE the time, and NEVER while I’m still unbuttoning his shirt. Seriously, who makes orgasm sounds from unbuttoning a guys shirt? The only time I’ll make a sound doing that is if I get a cramp in my finger, because a lack of magnesium can be an asshole.
3. Too crowdie
I think it would be a total waste of time to watch a porn movie with me because I always try to keep track of who the couples are. If a chick is making out with another chick, I always look around for her partner and the other chick’s partner. For some reason it feels like I have to keep tabs, cause they sure aren’t. It’s like trying to match socks the whole time, and it’s just exhausting. The more people involved, the more tired I get from keeping track of them in my head.
4. Exposure
I think we can all agree that, after watching a porn movie, we have seen more hoo-ha’s than gynecology students in their final practical exam. Those beavers are up in yo face the entire time, which made me think that with the prepping and several takes to get it “just right,” those fannies are exposed to the universe for more time than mother nature intended. There’s a reason our flowers are between our legs and covered with fur: to protect it from all sorts of stuff. I wouldn’t be surprised if a cockroach decides to walk over those lady parts, being all open like that, inviting critters to come and make their nests. It’s nasty, and I’m sure it doesn’t smell like a freshly-picked flower, either.
5. Sanitation
I wonder if there’s a thing like a porn health inspector. If there isn’t, there should be. Think about it for a minute. The director can order you to put your mouth in all sorts of cavities, and if those “places” are unsanitary, that should be illegal, right? Right?
6. Girlfriends
In these movies, girls always end up screwing each other, like its inevitable that two women who are friends will eventually fall into bed together. I would never want to screw my bestie. Best friends are there to chill with, knowing that no matter what, NOTHING will lead to sex, as opposed to spending time with your husband, who will ALWAYS expect sex. That’s why you should avoid eye contact with your man. With your BFF, you can laugh, joke, fart and just relax!
7. Uncomfortable positions
I really don’t see the point of having a bed in most of these scenes when it mostly doesn’t get used. It’s usually the women who have to do all manner of yoga poses to get full exposure of her taj mahalli. Most of these poses are just plain uncomfortable and even though she moans from apparent delight, I don’t buy it for one second! It’s almost like watching Barney. Those kids seems to enjoy themselves and they have all the right expressions, but we all know it’s as unreal as it can get. And the FACT that I just used kids to explain porn, just confirms the fact that A) my mind is seriously messed up after watching those nasties and B) you can NEVER trust a mother’s mind from strolling along and bringing the kids into a conversation, even if you’re about to climax.
8. The lack of alcohol
That’s the NUMBER ONE sign all of it all being fake. If you want me to do even a FRACTION of what I just had to endure, I need at least five bottles of wine and some or other drug like substance. Aint no way sober people do those things.
9. I’m too impatient
Those guys have STAMINA and there’s no way that after 20 minutes of consistent humping, you don’t feel chaffing all up in your parts. How those guys keep it in while being surrounded with girls touching each other and all that nakedness should tell you one thing, he has self control and nothing you do would get him excited enough to get it over with already. Not knowing when it will end or not being able to do anything for it to end, will be like watching a Justin Bieber concert. Pure torture.
10. Office politics
Back in the day when I used to work, you always had those colleagues you didn’t get along with. That one guy who had everyone do his work for him or that annoying woman with the annoying laugh. There’s ALWAYS at least ONE colleague with bad body odour. If you do porn for a living and your colleauges are made up out of all these different specimen, what do you do? You must screw them, that’s what!!! Literally!!! Ewww!!!
Nope… no porn for this girl. But I will have another beverage while I tee up the next movie: Big Lads in Kilts.
Editor’s note:
This Wannabe Blunt author chose to write this anonymously… can’t blame her… crotch cockroaches? Really?
