It’s that time of year when the Christmas Police and the Thanksgiving Purists have a pissing contest with the rest of the world. Don’t pretend you don’t know them. They’re not opposing gangs in a Kirk Cameron film about how the liberal media grinds up Christmas trees to make Satanic Bibles. No, they are far more irritating than Kirk. You probably know a few Christmas Police or Thanksgiving Purists. They may be your friends or family. You might even be such a person. Hell, you could even fit into both groups.

Despite these scary folks, and the fact that I need to bundle up in 19 layers of wool just to get the mail (and that’s just email), I still love this time of year. I hate the weather with a white hot sparkly passion, though. As a native Floridian who is trapped in the Midwest, I shiver from October through May. Still, even with the ice, snow, and endless clouds, I still love the holidays.

The fact that I refer to them as “the holidays” might irritate some people, and those people are Christmas Police. They believe that current liberal politics and evil atheists are responsible for “Happy Holidays.” Really, Bing Crosby is more responsible for this all inclusive greeting than President Obama. Christmas Police say things like, “This is MURICA! We can’t say Happy Holidays because we are a Christian country!” They think they are defending Christmas, or keeping it pure, or some other such bullshit. In reality, they are simply showing that they don’t know how to read a calendar.

Most of us understand that Christmas is not the only holiday within the four-week period from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day. There’s also Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, and Saturnalia. Those are just the holidays that are typically celebrated in the U.S. So, saying, “Happy Holidays” is not about excluding Christians, it’s about including everyone. Also, for me, it’s about talking less. As a work from home introvert, I’d rather just cover everything with two words than list all of the holidays with their appropriate happy or merry. I’m pretty sure Santa, Jesus, and Saturn would approve of simply being nice to everyone.

Some Christmas Police are also Thanksgiving Purists. You know, the people who get their panties in a bunch when Christmas items are displayed before the appropriate day. They might as well say, “Thou mustn’t put up thine Christmas tree before Thanksgiving.” Some Thanksgiving Purists get quite enraged about seeing Christmas decorations before turkey day. They post about this major crime on social media sites, some people blog about it, and others talk about it on TV. Some of them actually tell others when they are allowed to put up Christmas trees, lights, and other holiday decorations. It’s like they have some sort of Asshole’s Guide to the Holidays book, along with a color-coded calendar that they refer to. I would like to send people who are upset by seeing Christmas decorations in November on an all expense paid trip to a cave in the Middle East. This way they can get away from the offensive early Christmas decorations and learn about real problems.

Let me hear from you in the comment section. Are you a Christmas Police or a Thanksgiving Purist, or are you just someone who enjoys pretty lights and a decorated indoor tree when it’s cold and gray outside?

(This post originally ran on Petty Thoughts.)

About Lisa:

Lisa Petty is a former stand-up comedian who decided she would rather just write funny stuff after years of dealing with drunk people. When she is not cracking inappropriate jokes, Lisa is an online English professor. You can read more of her snarkasm on Petty Thoughts.  If you like humor and cat pictures, you can follow Lisa on FacebookTwitter and Pinterest.

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5 Comments

  1. I am definitely NOT with the Christmas PoPos! I can’t stand when people who are supposed to represent kindness, love, peace, and forgiveness aren’t able to display these traits toward others. It gives their religion a bad name for the good apples who aren’t out there being douche-tastic. My sweet sister says she doesn’t want to publicly identify herself as a Christian anymore because she’s so ashamed at how badly many Christians behave. I don’t disagree, but my opinion probably doesn’t count since I’m a filthy Liberal heathen atheist who wishes joy and glitter upon anyone who isn’t a jerk-face, regardless of personal faith or lack thereof.

    I will admit to being a bit of a Thanksgiving Purist. It is my belief that the Christmas Season does not officially begin until Santa is spotted in the Macy’s Day Parade. But that’s because I was brought up to believe that. It’s a hard tradition to dump. In the last couple years I have come to logically understand that tying my holiday spirit to a corporation-sponsored event is stupid. So my brain knows better. But the heart wants what it wants… which is to see nary a silver bell nor any blow-up lawn decoration before Turkey Day. My hubz works in retail for a national chain dollar store, so clearly I am emotionally taxed over this situation on an annual basis. Problems — I haz them. And then of course I recall your line about getting sent to a cave in the Middle East so I can learn about real problems and I’m like, Never mind, Good Neighbor, decorate to your heart’s delight and carol at will.

    • Andi-Roo,

      I used to be a Thanksgiving Purist, and then I moved to Ohio where it is SO DAMN GRAY all of the time. I NEED early Christmas lights to keep me sane. I am a native Floridian who is trapped in the midwest. 🙂

      I’m a Buddhist thinking Atheist with a few lovely Christian friends. I think it’s sad that the sucky Christians get all of the press.

      Thanks for your comment!
      Lisa

    • “Douche-tastic” may be my new favorite word. (Previous contenders included “douche-canoe”, a term that came from Thing1 in a moment of frustration with his absent other parent).

      Glitter sprinkles to you, too! 🙂

  2. I always say Happy Holidays, unless it’s that Holiday specifically. I don’t really care if Christmas is out at Thanksgiving but I do think it creeping up to Halloween is a bit much. I would also like to add leaving the decorations out until the snow/cold weather is gone is fine with me!

  3. As a Christian, I wish Kirk Cameron and the other Liberal-Christmas-Conspiracy theorists would all just take a flying leap. :-/
    But that’s a different rant.

    I am a Thanksgiving purist, in that I’m not interested in singing Christmas songs (and will change the station if one comes on the radio), will not bake a single Christmas cookie, and don’t buy any presents before Thanksgiving. Because, I LOVE Thanksgiving. It’s my favorite holiday of the year and the big bearded fat guy can just go sit on the bench and wait his turn!

    With that said, I refuse to be a Grinch. If you want to put your lights up in October, who am I to tell you you’re wrong? And yeah, I get irritated when I have to search past the Christmas trees to find the Halloween candy, but I’m not gonna get my knickers in a knot over it. Some people LIKE buying all their holiday crap early. Just because I’m not one of those people doesn’t mean everyone else should be deprived of the opportunity.

    And, if you wish me Happy Holidays, or Merry Kwanzaa, or Happy Hanukkah, or what-ever other holiday, I will say Merry Christmas! right back in as friendly a tone as I can, with a big smile, not because I’m hoping to “correct” you- that would be stupid. There’s nothing to correct! I say it because that’s what *I* celebrate, and I hope you enjoy your holiday as much as I enjoy mine.

    So, Merry Christmas! 😀 Hope you have peaceful days ahead, surrounded by those you love.

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