All I ever dreamed of growing up was being a mom! I was the oldest of 12 grandchildren and from the age of two I always had a baby in my arms. The love I felt when holding babies was the best feeling in the world and I knew my purpose in life was to be a mom and care for children. When I was 12 years old I started babysitting for the families in my neighborhood. I loved doing it, plus I was able to make a little extra money. My love of children ultimately led me to major in elementary education in college.
I absolutely loved teaching and taught first grade for six years. The love I felt from the eighteen little ones in my classroom every day was more than I could have ever hoped for. I could not wait to get married and have children of my own! That was the ultimate goal in life! God had other plans though. I had always had terrible periods and was in excruciating pain. I had Doctors tell me for years that I was just overreacting, had a low pain threshold, and that it was just bad cramps. I knew in my heart though that something was wrong.
Over the years the pain got worse and worse to the point I could not eat or stand. Finally after pushing the Doctors they decided to do exploratory surgery. I never could have imagined what they found, and was still convinced that maybe this pain was all in my head. Well it was not in my head at all. They found that I had a severe case of endometriosis, it was everywhere, and had fused my organs together. Endometriosis is the buildup of scar tissue from the uterine lining, which is usually is shed when you have your period.
I was 32 years old… over the next two years I went through four emotional, and physical painful surgeries. With every surgery more and more of my reproductive system was removed. My fourth and final surgery resulted in a total hysterectomy and the possibility of ever having children. I was devastated. My ex boyfriend picked me up from the hospital and told me I was “broken” because I couldn’t do the one thing women were supposed to do… have children. The pain I felt was too great and I did not how to cope with my emotions. This is when I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. This very quickly turned into a full blown addiction. Now I was not only left with the pain of my infertility but also by my substance abuse. After three years in this vicious cycle, and a emotionally abuse relationship I realized I needed help. I left my boyfriend and checked into a women’s treatment center. After a emotional three months in treatment and intense therapy I was able to properly process my emotions and walked out of there as a survivor, I was not a victim anymore.
If you can take anything away from my story just remember that a woman’s instinct is one of the most powerful things we have. We know when something is wrong especially in our own bodies. Never be afraid to advocate for yourself. Just because a healthcare professional or anyone else may brush aside your feelings stay true to yourself and your gut feeling is something is not ok. Remember that they see an endless stream of patients everyday and have a set standard for assessing everyone. You are NOT just the same as everyone else. You are a warrior, you know yourself and your body the best, and ultimately you know what is best for you and your health. Do not ever let anyone else tell you any different! As women we have to gather together, and stand up for each other!
Also that what may seem to be the end of a journey, but may make a small detour and could end up being far more beautiful than you had ever planned! For me not being able to have biological children was the most painful thing that I could have ever imagined. I now see how this ended up being such a blessing in my life! I WILL be a mom one day! Just because I will not carry a child in my womb, the child my boyfriend and I adopt will be our child. I know that this child will truly be meant to be ours forever, and will come into our lives at exactly the right time. I have my moments when I see other women pregnant and I would be lying if I said it doesn’t hurt my heart a bit. My process in sobriety and recovery has changed everything and the way I look at life. I am in a really healthy and loving relationship with a man who is also in recovery. My boyfriend always tells me, “I am going to make you a mom one day babe.” This man loves me for me, and I know he will love the child or children we adopt one way. Just because I did not carry them does not mean they are not mine.
Crystal Hampton is a 37 year old avid writer from South Florida. She loves snuggling with her teacup yorkie Gator and boyfriend Adam. She works for a digital marketing company that advocates spreading awareness on the disease of addiction. Her passion in life is to help others by sharing her experience, strength, and hope. https://paducahrehab.com/ https://nashvilleoutpatientrehab.com/