My husband had been your crush for decades even though you were in a committed relationship when you were introduced through your mother, his former secretary. At the time, his 9 year personal relationship ended and he took you out on a casual dinner date, as he did several other women. While he was dating, he met me. That was the first time you ‘lost’ him, 24 years ago.
You’ve resurfaced in his life for the past 5 or so years. You initially phoned him at his office. Your mother took him out to lunch after her retirement and you tagged along. You hired him to handle a small accident case for your son a few years ago. You whined about your shitty marriage. In return, he told you how devoted he was to his marriage and family. I’m sure you carefully pondered how often to call him and check in regarding your son’s case without him realizing you were passively pursuing him. I’ll bet you spent all night contemplating what to wear to lunch to review paperwork. You even delivered Christmas cookies to his office one year. Silly girl. He didn’t tell you he only ate food that he personally watched being prepared to his stringent cleanliness standards. Your cookies were either given away or thrown in the garbage.
Fast forward to two years ago. You were miserable in your marriage, probably partly due to spending countless hours fantasizing about my husband. Your husband was such a horrible person you said, yet HE filed for divorce. You began calling my husband more frequently. He recommended an attorney for you at your request. You kept complaining about your husband, relaying stories of neglect. He was an absent father to your special needs sons. My husband felt sorry for you. You asked my husband for advice on all fronts because he’s so intelligent. He was happy to oblige because you were stoking his enormous ego, which had been neglected at home.
You see, after 17 years of marriage (24 total years together), my marriage was on rocky ground. We had devoted our time and effort almost exclusively to raising our two autistic sons, neglecting our own relationship in the process. All we had left for each other was sarcasm, blame, impatience, financial issues and virtually no communication. Divorce was repeatedly discussed. You didn’t know this because although you confided in him, he never confided such personal matters to you. You were told he was unhappy at home because menopause was making me miserable.
While I spent the summer entertaining my children, you and my husband were constantly on the phone. He took you out at night. I thought he was working, he wasn’t. I didn’t know about you nor did I suspect anything because as miserable our relationship had become, I never thought he would cheat. One September night I woke up at 3am and he was not home. I activated the Find My Phone app on his phone and got your address. After a few mouse clicks on Google and Facebook, I had your name and picture. My cell phone bill call log provided your number. I was grateful for the excuse to finally end this farce of a marriage, but devastated at the betrayal itself. 24 hours later, I tearfully retained a divorce attorney. The papers were filed in 4 days.
I screamed at him to get out and move in with you. He didn’t tell you. He forlornly stated he didn’t want to be with you. He didn’t tell you I filed for divorce. I began to realize there was a lack of a deep emotional attachment, at least on his part, that I thought was initially there. I tormented him daily. I was in a rage. I wanted to inflict as much pain on the both of you as I possibly could. I literally felt my blood boiling. I drove myself to the gynecologist for STD testing and was informed my blood pressure was at stroke level. My husband insisted he never had intercourse with you. I am almost inclined to believe him considering the extent of his paranoia about catching a sexually transmitted disease. You were a boost to his bruised ego, that’s all. You were ‘safe’ in his mind because you had been in a long-term marriage. Once he knew I knew about the affair, it was over and that was the second time you lost him.
After a toxic month of brawling, one morning, mentally exhausted, we sat down and talked. We addressed our underlying issues as well as the affair itself. The conversation was raw, honest, and amazingly civil. There were aha moments. We cried together. Genuine heartfelt apologies were exchanged. Later that day, I decided to take a nap. My husband came in the room and asked if he could lay down with me. To our mutual surprise, one thing led to another and we were kissing and then making love. Be clear about this, he came to me.
He told you the affair was over, and that he and I were working things out. That wasn’t quite true. Moving forward could never be an option for me until all ties with you were cut. We agreed the only benefit from the past was recognizing where we went wrong and vowing to not go there again. The past would stay in the past and that included you. He chose our marriage, our family and our love over maintaining a friendship with you. That’s the third time you lost him.
Contrary to your Facebook posts, Karma won’t be coming for me because of what I did to you. What was it exactly that did I do to you?
You, however, deliberately pursued a married man, my husband, under the guise of friendship. You knew how dedicated he was to his family, his autistic children, who needed both of their parents, yet you only cared about what YOU wanted. You do not get to play victim. I am not the villain here. As a woman who has first hand knowledge of the challenges to raise special needs children, your selfish pursuit of my husband is doubly offensive and disgusting.
Nevertheless, I don’t have time or energy to waste on you any longer.
I have memories to make with my family.
Karma will deal with you.