Top 5 Lifesaving Tips About Pregnancy That No One Will Tell You

I’m breaking the code of Mom here, divulging this top secret information.

1 – Burn any book that someone gives you about having a baby or being a parent.

Really. Don’t even look at them. Don’t Google or WebMD either. In fact, treat all of pregnancy and early childhood as a high-security operation where information is doled out to you only on a need-to-know basis. Fake it till you make it… or fail miserably. Then ask a doctor, friend, or your mom.

None of the books can even agree on something as simple as sleep training. They’ll just make you stress. Besides, the stuff you REALLY desperately need and want to know, like the all-important “How do I get poop stains out of baby clothes,” are not found in any of these books for some reason.

I would know, because I’ve looked.

The answer is OxiClean. You’re welcome.

2 – Invest in a few t-shirts that say “Pet At Your Own Risk.”

While you are pregnant, people will rub your belly like you’re some sort of walking and talking happy good-luck Buddha. Nobody will ask your permission first. They will just run up and fondle your gut.

They will cross the street just to rub your belly if they’re a random stranger.

Your baby-bump magnetism increases 1000% especially if you hate being stroked by random strangers.

3 – Men are frequently reduced to idiocy when confronted with pregnancy.

The way they behave in all those pregnancy movies are an exaggeration, but sometimes not by much. They don’t know how to treat your change in condition. As far as they are concerned, all bets are off and you are a ticking time bomb. They can’t help it; they don’t get it. Spell out your needs to them before you are reduced to hormonal preggo rage.

Many men you may interact with on a daily basis may not even notice you’re pregnant at all until you’re approximately 8 months along and they get a good look at you in profile, at which point they will show their sympathy for your condition by exclaiming that you look huge!

4 – The Murphy’s Law of Pregnancy.

If you have a desk job, becoming pregnant will magically increase the number of demands by others for you to stand up and come over to their work area by approximately 700%.

This will also increase the amount of times you have to go pee on a daily basis by approximately 700%.

5 – Buy nursing pads. Buy lots. Buy them early. Don’t let them run out on you. Just don’t.

It will save you a lot of awkward questions in the checkout aisle at Shoppers Drug Mart about why you have decided to spontaneously participate in a wet t-shirt contest when someone else’s baby started crying.