I know it’s ridiculous.

I know just because I think something, doesn’t make it truth.

But I felt such a loss. Though I didn’t lose anything, or anyone I should say.

Getting pregnant was a struggle with our first, then an unplanned God-sent surprise with our second.

I can call it hopeful, though it’s filed under naïve, that I just assumed it would be a swift attempt to make number three.

I thought within no time would I feel that shifting deep inside. My body and heart making room for this new person.

Recently, I thought I was feeling that familiar widening of space. Those twinges and cramps that awaken sleeping parts of a mother in me. The gut reaction to hold my hands against my abdomen for no reason at all, other than to acknowledge. I claimed these sensations. I felt lighter and heavier all at once. I became pregnant in my thoughts.

That gap from month to month becomes a waiting room. I needed confirmation. I took some tests. I didn’t see two pink lines. By default I assumed it was too early.

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Her friends know her has their nerdy girlfriend who gets day drunk at ladies' lunches. Shawna gave up her career to be a stay at home mom to three kids under four. She is online sharing the questions she is asking around simple living, simple style and simple health. Candid about marriage ish, momfails and God's grace.

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