Back in the 90s, I wanted to be Gwyneth Paltrow. I rocked dark brown lipstick, a Sliding Doors pixie cut and had a mean crush on Brad Pitt.

As the years rolled on, the love faded and the annoyance washed in. With every one of her macrobiotic diets, $250,000 “must haves,” and that conscious uncoupling, my eyes rolled a little further back into my head. 

What sent me into a Little Orphan Annie, nothing-but-the-whites-of my-eyes roll, was Her Royal Goopness’ pronouncement that we must steam our vaginas, because there is something in that magic steam that will make your uterus squeaky clean.

I don’t know about you, but there are many things that my lady-land needs more than a steam bath. For starters:

Novocain for the Soul Baby-Maker. Once a month, my uterus twists itself into a pretzel to expel all of my baby-making tissue. Half the time I don’t know if it’s cramps or if I have to take a massive dump. Either Midol or Ex-lax will help the situation, but don’t pick the wrong one, or else you’ll be crampy and pooping your brains out, or constipated but menstrually content. I would like an “Option 3,” which would be to have my uterus numbed by novocain. This way, there are no cramps, poop flows normally, and I am a happy camper for 10 days. Everyone wins.

Sea Salt Scrub for the Vajayjay. When I pushed my son out of my majestic Never-land, I was ripped laterally. Stitches made everything whole, but I was left with a scar. It was thick, and even my husband could feel it. While it added a new dimension to our sex life, I felt a little self-conscious about it. What I needed was something to smooth the edges. Nothing makes me feel slicker than a baby seal like a sea salt scrub. Just think, I could rub that all over my lady bits, erasing my scar and making myself a human margarita, ripe for the licking. Now that’s a new sexual twist I can get behind.

No-tears Brazillian Waxes. Every once in a while, I get a pubic hair stuck in my pantyliner. That rip to extract a well-rooted hair from adhesive brings more than one tear to my eye. I think that’s why I’ve never had even a bikini wax. If I can’t handle one pube being plucked from my person, how would I cope with wax over many hairs? This is why I need a vaginal mask that would protect me from pain. That way I could eliminate pesky pubic hairs without any tears. Someone should get on this.

Thong Guard. I hate VPL (visible panty line, for those who don’t know). But, I am also loath to wear thongs. In my 20s, it was no big deal to sport a thong daily, but now that I am older and wiser, I have a love-hate relationship with them. They rub me raw from asshole to clitoris, but they make my ass look fantastic whenever I want to wear something remotely clingy. They are a necessary evil, but a layer of metal would be better than the dental floss slowly grinding back and forth between my legs. Someone get on this, too.

Body Language: You’re Not Pregnant. Now this enters the realm of fantasy, but seriously, how great would it be to get a message from your body that you are not pregnant, rather than having your body expel two tablespoons of blood every month? Any code would do; heck, just send a memo on letterhead, even. I’m not picky. I would rather take a lesson on how to read an ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics version of a pregnancy test than have my period.

So, what’s likely to be a better seller? Steamy lady bits, or a salt scrub for the undercarriage? I think even Little Lady Gwyneth would agree with me.

Forget the steam; let’s go with something women can really use.

Carrie Groves
Author

Carrie is stumbling through life trying to raise two kids, three dogs, and a hamster. By day, she’s a cubicle jockey, and by night she morphs into her alter ego, a hilarious mom blogger who enjoys wine, writing, and song. In addition to writing for BLUNTmoms, Carrie has been a contributor for Mamapedia, Mamalode, and the anthologies Only Trollops Shave Above the Knee and Surviving Mental Illness Through Humor.

6 Comments

  1. Pingback: My Vagina Is Free of Steam | Ponies and Martinis

  2. Thanks for the giggle to start the day 🙂 I can’t take anyone who calls her kid “Apple” seriously about anything – I’m not surprised that she steam-cleans her lady bits. Love your suggestions. I’m with you on the thongs – I gave up on them when I found my boys using them as sling shots. As for the waxing… brrrr. Embrace the disposable razor, girl.

  3. I’m sorry, but how does one go about steam cleaning one’s vagina? Is there a new spa service for that, or maybe a new personal appliance to get the job done? That would make for an interesting infomercial. And I can’t wear thongs unless I want a raging yeast infection to follow. Sorry to everybody who has to see my VPLs.

  4. Can we use the steamer on other things too? Like cleaning tile grout? Curtains? Cause I’d throw my vagina into the mix during chores if it’s that easy. I mean if Gwen does it…….

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