Somewhere between changing butts and blubbering like a fool as your child leaves for college (or bartending school, if you failed) there is a huge portion of parenting that basically involves teaching your child how to NOT be an asshole. Whether it’s using their manners or driving their first car, it’s up to us to ensure that they put their best foot forward with every step they take into the world.
There’s just one little problem: If you haven’t noticed, a lot of people are assholes, and those assholes are raising tiny asshole spawn. So, in the hopes of curbing this unfortunate aspect of society, this series covers apologizing to yawning and everything in between!
My Grandma used to tell me the story of how she got her license way back in 1948. It was her 16th birthday, she lived on a farm with her parents and 9 siblings in a rural town, one of those places where everyone knows everyone. She got dropped off at the local licensing department to do her driving test.
If you haven’t noticed, a lot of people are assholes, and those assholes are raising tiny asshole spawn.
She, at that point, hadn’t driven a day in her life.
As she entered the little building the examiner asked her if she was her father’s daughter. She said “yes” and he retreated back behind the counter. She was confused until he presented her with a license, without ever even completing the exam. When she questioned him, he said, “Well living on that farm, you’ve been driving tractors your whole life! I doubt there’s anything you don’t know!” and sent her on her way with her new drivers license. Thing is: My grandma hadn’t driven a tractor, not even once. Because most of the kids in her family had worked on the farm he just assumed she had, too.
Ironically this is the same woman who would shout “Where’d you get your license?! Out of a cracker jack box!?!” when someone cut her off in traffic.
Getting your license today seems complicated enough. There are written exams, and thankfully it is a lot more taxing process than the one my Grandma had to go through 60 years ago.
So why then, are there SO. MANY. TERRIBLE. DRIVERS!!!!???
I waited until I felt comfortable before I even thought of getting my license, then I attended a driving school to ensure I was ready. I learned as much as I could about the rules and more importantly, the unwritten rules of the road. Since it seems that quite a few people need a refresher course, I’m happy to help you out!
Here are my 5 Rules on How To Not Be An Asshole When Driving:
Ironically this is the woman who would shout “Where’d you get your license?! Out of a cracker jack box!?!” when someone cut her off in traffic.
1. Use your signal. I don’t care if there is no one in front or behind you for miles, the practice of using your indicator is one you should always keep! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen lazy people switch lanes directly in front of me without indicating at all. Don’t be an asshole!
2. Don’t Follow Too Close! This one is a big issue, especially for highway driving! There’s nothing like imagining a car plowing through your back-end at 120 KM/hr because they were too close to stop. Don’t be an asshole and keep a safe stopping distance!
3. Stop Texting! Although I’m sure that letting your husband know you scored a super good deal on a new coach purse is crazy important, it can wait! It takes me all of 15 minutes to get to work in the morning and I still manage to see between 10 and 20 people in their cars texting or talking on their phones and driving. Not only is this illegal, but it’s completely idiotic. Don’t be an asshole, put your phone down!
4. Park between the lines. Driving a car is hard, sweetie, I know. Getting between the lines is harder than hitting a bullseye on a dartboard. Except–oh wait! It’s not! If you drive slowly and carefully, and use your mirrors, this should be a slam dunk. And if you park within 6 inches of my giant SUV, don’t get into a hissy fit when I have to hit your door to squeeze myself in. If you can’t park between the lines, then find a spot that is further away and leaves more room! Don’t be an asshole, and park STRAIGHT and between the lines.
Driving a car is hard, sweetie, I know. Getting between the lines is harder than hitting a bullseye on a dartboard. Except–oh wait! It’s not!
5. Drive The Speed Limit. The only thing that grinds my gears more than someone driving at dangerously fast speeds and weaving in and out of traffic is someone who drives 20 km UNDER the speed limit slowing down everyone behind them. If driving on the highway is more than you can handle, take an alternate route! And for GOD’s sakes, if you NEED to drive slow on the highway, stay on the far right lane! Don’t be an asshole and keep up with traffic!
If you follow these 5 easy steps, I’m sure the middle fingers and horns will stop in no time! Have a suggestion for the “How to NOT be an Asshole” series? Leave it in the comments!