The therapist at my daughter’s school told me over and over again not to call too much attention to the behavior, and for sure NEVER to call it “stealing.” The therapist insisted it was a passing phase, part of her “magical thinking” and petty, nothing-to-worry-about immaturity that can happen in 7 year-olds. I wanted to believe her and do as she said. I wanted to believe that not calling attention to it was the right way to deal with it.

My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD around two years ago. This was helpful because it finally explained the never-ending impulsivity and why traditional disciplining, punishing, or even positive parenting techniques never worked. The same annoying, irritating, and even at times dangerous behaviors kept happening over and over again, year after year. The stealing (yes, I call it stealing!) started small, and at first we shrugged it off as immaturity when she was three and four years old. When she turned five and six though, we started to get worried.

It stung every time we would go to a family event or a neighbor’s house and I’d receive a phone call afterwards asking me to talk to her or search her room because something expensive was missing.

It hurt when I was told she had “more than just ADHD” and that there was something “very wrong” with her. It’s not fun to be the parent of the child who everyone eyes with suspicion. It bothers me that the behavior was premeditated with intent to sneak the desired object when no one was watching. Maybe, because she was young, she didn’t quite understand how she would be hurting the person who would miss the item, but she knew exactly what she was doing, and she knew from a thousand negative encounters and admonishments that it was unacceptable behavior. To me, while this is not quite the magnitude of larceny or grand theft, it does constitute stealing.

My neighbor across the street is a social worker and has raised 4 children to adulthood. She gave me a piece of advice that’s the best have ever received. She said that I should consistently tell my daughter that I don’t believe her, and keep this up until eventually she can’t stand not being trusted anymore. I have done this for at least a few months now, and this week I had a major breakthrough.

It was this day when I knew we had turned the corner. My daughter knows I will periodically check her bookbag and room, take out anything that looks suspicious, and physically accompany her to return items  and apologize. She HATES when I force her to do this. A few days ago, she came up to me and showed me a stuffed pig beanie baby she insisted she received as a prize at school for doing good work in a subject area she was struggling in. Before I could open my mouth, she handed me a note that was in the same bag as the doll. I didn’t even have a chance to read it when she said that she had asked the teacher to write it so I wouldn’t accuse her of stealing the toy. I read the note and it measured up to what she said. I embraced her and told her I was proud of her.

The therapist is concerned about stomping on self esteem. I see this as creating self esteem through consistently enforcing and expecting a certain standard of moral behavior. My daughter needed to learn on her own that she was capable of overcoming her impulses and creating strategies to win my trust back.

Yes, I was brutally honest with my daughter. I told her outright many times how I disapprove of the behavior. There were times I told her I feared she’d end up in jail one day if she didn’t shape up and ship the stealing behavior out. I even told her a few times that while I love her, I disliked the behavior and felt very distant from her to the point of not being able to be near her when she would engage in the unwanted behavior yet again. Sometimes she’d burst into tears and beg me for a hug, but I would turn away and reject her request.

As I sit here and write this, reliving that incredible moment with my daughter that happened a few days ago, I feel pure joy about the prize she earned for real.

Sometimes as moms, we have to do what we have to do, even it’s very hard. I’m learning more and more that the pain we sometimes have to experience as mothers is a catalyst for the greatest growth we will ever know. Sometimes, that means being soft, loving and gentle, and sometimes it means being the opposite.

About the author: Tami is a wife, mom of 3, working lady and ongoing graduate student, all in that order. She lives in upstate NY with her hubby and active youngsters, and professionally, works with children with special needs. She always loved to write and her freelance writing career only recently and accidentally began, and is beginning to blossom. She is a contributing writer at ravishly.com and Building Blocks Magazine for Special Needs. She is pursuing her doctorate in Clinical Psychology with the hopes of eventually starting a private practice, going into academia, and becoming an established author. Until graduation, she will stick to over-analyzing and annoying those closest to her.

Tamar Saperstein

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Wannabe's are Guest Authors to BLUNTmoms. They might be one-hit wonders, or share a variety of posts with us. They "may" share their names with you, or they might write as "anonymous" but either way, they are sharing their stories and their opinions on our site, and for that we are grateful.

6 Comments

  1. I wish I had seen this post YEARS ago… unfortunately, I didn’t and now I’m dealing with a teen who has similar issues. When your teen behaves this way though, the stakes are higher. It’s reassuring to see that what I now believe to be the best course of action truly IS the best course of action and I’m hopeful that we can turn the corner too.

    For what it’s worth, I too am seeing similar progress in a different way. Long past the point of trusting my teen, he had to stay after school late to work on an assignment with a teacher. Without prompting, he too asked the teacher to write a note explaining why he was an hour later than we would have expected and on a Friday to boot. Keep doing what you are doing!!!

    • Tamar Shtrambrand Reply

      Shelley, thanks so much for the pat on the back and even more so for sharing your own story! Stealing is not something most parents deal with past age 5 or 6 it seems, and it makes those of us STILL dealing with the issue when that age has passed a long time ago, feel alone and like something is wrong with us. I’m glad I could inspire another mom and help you realize you ARE doing your job and a darn good one too!

  2. ((hugs)) Mama! Good job on turning your daughter’s behavior around. It’s hard for a kid to feel as if they’re never believed, and hopefully that’ll be enough motivation for her to earn trust.

    When my two were around 3-4, each of them, at different times, stole a small pack of gum from the grocery store. No big deal right? Wrong. I marched them back into the store, made them apologize and pay for the item, and threw it out. I didn’t have to do it twice with either of them.

    My daughter recently admitted that she did steal a couple times after that, and didn’t get caught- small things like a marble from a gift shop when she didn’t think her father would give her the $2 to buy it. (To be fair, my ex was often dismissive of anything the kids wanted that seemed petty to him, even though it was a Big Deal to them,) but she felt so badly afterward, that she couldn’t enjoy what she’d stolen, so she stopped.

    I told her I was proud that she felt she could trust me enough to tell me now, even though it was years later, and that what she felt was her conscience, and that it means it’s working just fine.

    My kids (and my parenting!!) are far from perfect, but we all do our best with what we have, and hopefully our kids will learn to do life right. <3

    • Tamar Shtrambrand Reply

      Thanks for the virtual hug, for making me feel empowered, for your own story and for the words of inspiration! We moms gotta help each other. There is NO instruction book for our job, and we wear a gazillion hats. Every kid has different issues, but they ALL have issues, and we need to remind each other we’re all doing the best we can and doing a darn good job! I’m tired of people making me feel bad for going against therapist instructions that aren’t working or making me feel like this problem is my problem. Heck no! I am doing my job, and this is just something that is THIS child’s struggle…I’m in enough pain without the extra dose of insult and hurt people lay on me from ignorance. More power to us moms!!!!

  3. Browsing the internet when I came across this piece. I’m in tears because this is what I am going through with my son. He’s nine and we have tried everything to stop the bad behavior. Now I have something new to try. Thank you for your honesty, you have no idea how hard it is to realize your child is headed down a very dark and dangerous path.

    • More people are going through it than you think. I also felt very alone and cried an ocean of tears. I did research on the internet and it comforted me when I saw how many people posted about their struggles with this problem on different chat forums. I get therapy as does my daughter, and we also get counseling at her school. It’s a team effort but maturation and parental consistency play a huge role in making a dent on this annoying and sometimes petrifying problem. Feel free to email me if you want to talk more about it or need some support. The fact you cry is good-it shows you care. Your son is fortunate.

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