Crazy Shit That Should Make You Run to your Gyno

Not sure if you need to go to the gyno? Here are some crazy-ass things that mean you should probably run right quick to the doc:

1. Discord between the nipples  
Good-natured rivalry is common; prolonged arguing and passive-aggressive sniping could be warning signs. Make an appointment before violence strikes.

2. Feelings of worthlessness and/or suicidal ideation in one or both ovaries  
A little sadness here and there isn’t a cause for concern, but if your ovaries are making statements like “Why should I even try?” or “I just want to end it all right now,” call your doctor.

3. Unexplained clitoral twitching  
Know your “normal.” A few rogue twinges are OK. More than that, you’ve got a loose cannon, and you better get that shit checked out ASAP.

4. Perineal malaise 
If you’ve ever said, “My taint feels weird, but I don’t know what’s wrong,” you know what we’re talking about.

5. Recurring nightmare of uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries as evil clown face
Dreams can be prophetic. Trust your intuition and touch base with a professional.

6. Vagina showing sudden interest in dark magic  
Many women make excuses for their vaginas, saying they’re “just dabbling” in the dark arts. Nope, nope, nope. Don’t be ashamed if you need an exorcism. It may save your life.

7. Likeness of Satan appearing on vulva 
Need we say more?

8. Ominous music or maniacal laughter emanating from cervix 
Whoa. Something really, really bad is about to happen. I hope you’re reading this article from the waiting room at the gyno, because that is fucked up. 

Abby Byrd is a teacher, a grammarian, and the poster mom for existential angst. Her work has appeared on Scary Mommy, BLUNTmoms, Mamalode, In The Powder Room, and The Mid, and in two anthologies. She is a frequent contributor to MockMom.com. Follow her on Twitter, on Facebook, and at her blog, Little Miss Perfect.