My children and I have very hectic and different schedules this year, which makes taking a family vacation quite difficult. I decided we need to pack up and take three days off the grid for some family time.

I found a cabin. No cell phone reception and no WiFi: just trees, air, and family bonding. They looked at me, chuckled, and when reality set in that this was the plan, they looked like I put arsenic in their steak and hid the number to Poison Control in the clean laundry basket. I said “Hey we can hike, fish, bask in the sun! Yes bask, when was the last time you people basked?” Again with the dead silence.

Ok, I say. Mull it over, it will be fun. The next day I find a Painted Pony Rodeo and I text them to let them know that I booked it. Silence. Not one smiley face, thanks mom, or even an obligatory LOL. I get home and they are all milling around the dining room table looking down at the carpet like we are at a wake. Finally, one of the spawns breaks the silence (they always choose one as the sacrificial lamb to bear bad news).

“Mom,” she says. “We thought to ourselves… this is YOUR vacation also so we thought you should do something… you know… your kinda fun, soooooo we pooled our money and we are sending you to Mom Camp.” (No, it’s not made up. It’s real – see for yourselves: Momcamp.)

“What?” I say. I don’t want to go to camp. I want to spend three fun-loving basking God-damn days with my family, damn it. “Mom,” they say, “look it’s only five miles from our cabin and it will be fun and we’ll write every day. You can bring your own fuzzy slippers and that special wine glass of yours that says ‘Yup I’m one badass.’ You can make friends, be social, paint a rock.”

They open the brochure:
*Then take a walk to explore the grounds or hunker down for a nap… WHAT? I DON’T NAP!
*Flower Crown Workshop… REALLY? NUFF SAID.
*Dinner utilizing local and seasonal ingredients… CODE FOR VEGETABLES!! WTF?

8:00PM – 9:30PM
Camp Movie Night
Haven’t had a chance to see an R-rated non-animated movie in years? Us too. Tonight, you get to catch up on an adult flick of your choosing. Includes popcorn, snacks, and wine.

9:00PM – 11:00PM
Stargazing & S’mores
We’ll gather around the campfire to stare at the crackling embers while trying not to think about our kids. S’mores will help with the distraction! Flashlights and blankets recommended.

I begin to scream “I’m not going to some stupid camp…” Wait a minute, I like s’mores and stargazing… tell me more. Is there a wine limit? Can I bring my own blanket? A real movie that doesn’t have the words “Gas” and /or “Monkey” in it? How about ice cream? If they serve ice cream, sign me up.

The long and short of it is… we will all be going away for a few days. I’ll be the one coming home with a camp shirt!

This author has chosen to publish anonymously. 


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