I am not an asshole. Well, NORMALLY I am not an asshole.

I’ve seen the “Mommy Wars” all over the internet just like the rest of you.

Breastfeeding vs. Bottle-feeding, co-sleeping vs. not co-sleeping, Vaccinators vs. non vaccinators, etc. etc. etc.

Now, I’m not a jerk and I would never chastise you for breastfeeding/bottle feeding your kid, or for sleeping/not sleeping in a bed with your baby— that’s none of my business.

However, once the “Mommy Wars” thing started, a bunch of moms—who I should add, meant only good, started something to the liking of a  “No More Mommy Wars” campaign.

I understood the premise of the movement, I did. Don’t hate on other mothers– and really, we shouldn’t.

I’ve been asked to join on several occasions.

I have politely said “no” every single time.

Does that make me an asshole? Maybe.

However, allow me to explain. As much as I love and care for many of the women who are participating in stopping the “mommy wars,” I feel like I would be a hypocrite for joining forces.

Mommy Wars aren’t just limited to organic vs. conventional food, or cloth diapers vs. disposable diapers, or attachment parenting vs. whatever the opposite of attachment parenting is- probably whatever parent I am.

If you’re an individual who chastises a mom for co-sleeping with their newborn-you’re a dick.

If you’re someone who berates someone who bottle feeds because you believe “breast is best,” you’re also a dick.

If you pass judgement on people who only eat gluten free or organic diets, you’re a dick, too.

If you judge a mom named Smash for shaving her mustache rather than waxing— well, I forgive you because that is a little strange.

You’re probably wondering: “Well, then why the hell didn’t you join the mommy war forces, Smash!?”

Here’s the thing- I like to poke fun. I think Gwyneth Paltrow is a total idiot. She is a mom. I’ve even written about her and her idiocy.

I think Eva Mendes’s tongue-and-cheek comment about “Sweatpants cause divorce” was absolutely hilarious, and I wrote an equally tongue-and-cheek rebuttal post about her comment. Eva Mendes is also a mom, and my post about her, while satire, was still a bit judgmental.

Have you ever watched an episode of Teen Mom? I have, and there is not a single mother on this planet that has not questioned/judged some of the moms on that show. And, if you find yourself currently pondering the aforementioned, let me remind you that Farrah Abraham started as one of those “Teen Moms”…remember, the one who tweezed her three year old’s eye brows because she thought her daughter had a “unibrow,” and little Ms. Abraham was concerned about her daughter’s”hygiene” ? 



Which brings me to…

I am a satire and humor writer.

My family makes fun of me all the time, and I write about it.

I make fun of my family all the time, and I write about it.

My daughter, witty as all hell, pokes more fun at me than any one person on the planet—and I write about it.

I am a mother—and I make fun of myself in almost every post I write.

I cannot join an army of women, as much as I respect them all equally, and make a commitment to STOP THE MOMMY WARS when I poke fun at weird trends, write about strange rich people and “wife bonuses,” people in governmental positions refusing marriage licenses to deserving American citizens, celebrity moms, MYSELF, etc.

That is a guaranteed conundrum. Say I did join the forces, and then went on to chastise good ol’ “Gwynnie” for her next ridiculous, perfectly planned media move (we all know she has more to come), and I wrote about it.  OR, better yet— when I make my mock holiday gift guide that includes Gwyneth’s “completely practical, everyday use” $5,000 gold-plated juicer. That would be bashing her and make me a complete hypocrite. Right? Right.

So, I decided not to join Operation: Stop the Mommy Wars.

There is no line in the sand when it comes to the Mommy Wars. Is it just regular, everyday moms that are off limits? Is it celebrities we can poke fun at? I missed where the line was drawn, so, I chose not to participate.

Will I mock you for your decision to wear your baby, or not wear your baby? No.

Will I judge you for using cloth diapers? No, I will not- but I will definitely not volunteer to help you with your laundry, either…

I don’t have too many mean bones in my body. However, sometimes things are just too good not to write about. So, when Gwyneth Paltrow decides to participate in the Food Stamp Challenge and buys 31 limes and two bunches of cilantro— you’d better believe I am going to write about that. Because that shit is ridonkulous.

When some mother goes on a sanctimonious rant about bloggers using swear words in their blog posts, and likens them (us, you, ME) to sluts, YEP, you guessed it, I’m probably going to write about that, too. I might even title something like that “Oh, But I DO Need to Use Curse Words in my Blog Posts.”

Many of us are moms, aunts, grandparents, and at the end of the day, sometimes we won’t agree. Some might think a mom wearing a dinosaur suit is ridiculous, some may think a mom in a dinosaur suit is AWESOME (that would be me), some might love Gwynnie Paltrow (that would NOT be me); we are all different.

No, we shouldn’t berate one another- that’s not nice. However, I think we are just fine expressing our differences. Some may choose to be assholes about it, sure. However, putting yourself out there on the internet, a place composed of not only some of the most supportive people I’ve met in my life, but also a place of some of the BIGGEST assholes on the planet(disguised as commenters with fake profile pictures and keyboard courage) is a risk you take when signing up for this. Unfortunately, the trolls will find their way to you, and, as to be anticipated, other writers/bloggers will have opinions that are in contrast to yours. 

However, that’s what the internet is composed of; millions of people who have differing opinions- some of whom express those with varying magnitude, some louder than others, some who write them out in witty, satire-like words by poking fun at a woman who isn’t married, yet is offering us ladies marriage advice by recommending we don’t wear sweatpants.

When we put it out there on the web, we have to understand that our words are not always going to be met with kind eyes. We have to understand that it is okay to have an opinion, and it is okay to express it. I have no problem saying that I think you should vaccinate your children. Those are my thoughts, that is my opinion. Now, will I shred you to pieces because you don’t vaccinate your kids? Probably not.

So, while I’m all for supporting one another, lifting each other up, I also recognize that I am entitled to my opinion, I am entitled to my inherent belief that Gwyneth Paltrow was placed on this planet strictly to make me question humanity…


…and I also know that every word I type will not always be met with optimism and kindness—-as I am reminded each and every single time I am published.

We all have our opinions – and when we air them on the internet for anyone, and I repeat, *ANYONE* to read — you are going to have a few dicks who meddle, some varying opinions from time to time, and if you’re lucky, you’ll find your people- the ones who love you, support you, challenge you, and make you strive to be the best possible version of yourself.

(This post originally ran on Smashley Ashley)


Ashley Alteman is known for her love of dinosaurs, ponies wearing sweaters, and overuse of commas. She is an editor’s nightmare. She won a spelling bee in the 8th grade for correctly spelling “carrot” and knew from that moment she was destined to be an amazing journalist, or a sarcastic blogger; she went with the latter. Ashley details her laugh-out-loud parenting and personal fails at SmashleyAshley.com. You can also find this hot mess fumbling around on Facebook

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