I recently had jaw surgery. As a result, I was given some pretty heavy meds. The nurse informed me, as I was being discharged, that I should think about purchasing a stool softener on my way home since the meds have a way of “backing things up.” Duly noted.
After 4 days of no “activity,” I decide its time. I swallow. I wait. Nothing. I swallow some more.
I’m feeling pretty cocky by day 10, post-surgery. I have GOT to get out of the house. My hubs and I decide to spend a kid-free day getting some Christmas shopping done downtown.
We hit up Macy’s first and head in different directions so that he can get the Dads done, and I can shop for his Mom (aka myself). I’m slowly browsing around, reveling in the alone time. No kids. No responsibility. Just as I am thinking “I wonder if they have this shirt in my size?” it hits me.
What follows is the summary of the next 30 seconds of my life.
My tummy hurts. Ohhh, this sweater is ADORABLE. WOW, I should maybe find a restroom soon.
They TOTALLY have this in my size. SCORE! Uh oh.
OMFG, excuse me, ma’am? Is there a restroom nearby? “Sure hon, if you go down this hall, turn left at Petites, hang your first right at Intimates…. “ OK, MA’AM, you need to talk faster. NEVERMIND. HOLY SHIT, I’LL FIND IT!!!!!!!
I race down the aisle, profusely sweating and not 10 feet from the restroom sign, it happens.
The next paragraph is the text I send my two best friends from inside the bathroom stall.
Me: I just shit my pants in downtown Macy’s. I repeat. I just shit my pants in downtown Macy’s.
Marti: Throw your undies in the garbage and keep moving. Happens to the best of us.
Me: I don’t have underwear on.
Carrie: You are at the mall? How’s your jaw?
Me: Can we please stay on topic here?
Lisa: You may have to abandon mission.
Marti: Stay strong, my friend. Buy some new pants and move on.
Me: I was just innocently shopping for a new sweater when all HELL broke loose!!
Marti: It can sneak up on you. Next time, don’t gamble; you will lose. What color pants are you wearing?
Marti: What are you even complaining about? Try having khakis on. Not that I would know….
Me: This has not been helpful in the least.