Football season is fast approaching, but I’m not one of those women who gets really excited about the game itself and pretends to give a rat’s ass about what’s going on. I actually managed to avoid it like the plague most of my adult life, but then I became the wife of a HUGE New York Giants football fan. The kind of fan that paces around like a caged tiger while the game’s on, hunches down on the floor pounding his fists when something bad happens, and shoots up from the floor like a bottle rocket whenever something good happens.
The kind of fan that HAS to watch every game, as well as the games played by the Giants’ biggest competitors, so these days, I get through Football Sundays in two merry ways. Number 1: Snarfing down game day food. There are few events in life that condone the over-eating of some of my all-time favorite foods: potato chips, French onion dip, Doritos, jars of liquid cheese, Doritos, Buffalo wings, blue cheese, did I ment ion Doritos? God, football season can’t get here fast enough.
Number Two is my dirty little secret. I have a low maturity level when it comes to off-color humor. I can’t help myself. Sometimes when I’m at a playgroup with a bunch of other normal, socially appropriate moms, I nearly have to swallow my tongue to keep from saying “That’s what she said” twice a minute. Back doors, bottoms, drawers, ovens, meat, buns, anything about size, something getting stuck, something being easy, something being hard, any mention of a ball—I mean the list just goes on and on. By the time I leave, I’m jerking spasmodically and purple in the face from the strain of keeping my dirty mouth shut.
That being said, I’m really not an outwardly dirty mom in my daily Mom Life. All day long, I do nothing but think in terms of an innocent child: what a child needs, how a child communicates, how best to respond to a child going banana-balls-crazy in the cereal aisle at Harris Teeter (which is, by the way, where they keep the five toys sold at Harris Teeter). If I were REALLY a delinquent, I would drop all my F Bombs right there in that cereal aisle in front of God, my children, various unfortunate Harris Teeter employees, the plastic tiaras, AND the green plastic Army men. But nooo. I bite my tongue, and handle the situation by saying the appropriate words used by Moms who aren’t sailors.
However, on Sundays during football season, in the sanctity of my own home, with my kids too young to care about football and therefore downstairs playing in the basement, I can release my snorts, snickers, and Beavis-and-Butthead giggles over the 9 million sexual innuendos and double entendres constantly uttered by the NFL announcers. I just cuddle up in on the couch and snort, guffaw, and point at the TV screen, all the while elbowing my eye-rolling husband and stuffing my face with Doritos. In case you can’t manage to conjure up a verbal picture of a 39-year-old wife and mother’s special brand of prepubescent football humor, allow me to break some terms down for you, in alphabetical order.
1). Ball-carrier. This is a player who likes to fondle his junk.
2) Flex-bone. This is a play wherein the players can feel a little poke coming through.
3) Fullback. This is a player who’s got an ass that just won’t quit. Growing. It won’t quit growing.
4) Gunslinger. I don’t know what the Eff this is, but I do know that the NFL named Brett Favre the greatest gunslinger of all time. I also know he can sling that gun at me anytime.
5) Halo violation. This is when a player loses his virginity. It’s super cute.
6) Hand-off: This maneuver always makes me think of jerk-off and/or hand-job so I tend to think all three terms are synonymous.
7) Hard-count. This is how long it takes a player to become erectile functional.
8). Hidden yardage. This is when a team is for some reason hiding away their God-given endowments. (Have they never heard the phrase “WORK what ya mama gave ya”)?
9). Hot read. This is how most players feel about Fifty Shades of Grey.
10). Loose ball. This is when a player’s jockstrap has failed its main duty. (Ha. I said “duty”).
11). Muff. Do I really have to define this one for you?
12). Pump fake. This is when a player pretends to hump (or pump) the end zone after scoring a touchdown but is like “psych!” and doesn’t actually complete the act. (I think this is tied into the player’s “completion percentage,” which is also a football term. I’ll take 6 points for this one).
13) Punt. This just rhymes with a dirty word so it’s dirty.
14). Sack. No way to sugar-coat this one. I mean, you can sugar-coat nuts. That would actually be pretty yummy. Buuuut . . . not the sack.
16). Slobber knocker. Use your imagination. If you’re not a dirty weirdo like me, then don’t bother.
17) Tight end. A player whose ass gets taxed like the Government! In other words, he does lots of squats to get his ass tight, and that must be extremely taxing.
18). Wishbone. This is when a player seems to be fully invested in playing the game but is actually jonesing for a boning.
Whelp, I’m done sharing my Sunday football dirtiness. You didn’t ask for it, but I gave it to ya anyway. (I gave it to ya GOOD).
Ashley Allen is a multi-task-dysfunctional mom of three boys, including a set of twins, and a survivor of an extremely weird childhood. She writes a circusy, irreverent humor blog at http://www.bigtopfamily.com about her childhood and adulthood, and how the bridge between them is not as long as you might think.