New mothers.

They’re just like us.

Except they’re enthusiastic, happy, and ready to grab motherhood by the balls.

Want to dose them with some truth this holiday season? Make them cringe? Perhaps laugh until they pee in their pants?

Look no further, this BLUNTmom has you covered.

YOUR PENIS WILL FALL OFF! And other sh*t I’ve said to my kids, is written by BLUNTmom and blogger of Excuse the Mess, Laura Bower (hey, that’s me).

Shameless self promotion.

I wanted to write a book that other moms could relate to; and even if nobody laughs or thinks my book completely sucks balls, it was still therapeutic for more and (probably) saved me a trip to the loony bin.

There’s still time for that, though.

Because it’s the holiday season (and my love language is giving) I wanted to share a sneak-peak of my book because who wouldn’t love a dose of shitery underneath their Christmas tree this year?

You know you’re a parent of a spirited child when…

you’re afraid your neighbors will call the cops on you because your toddler sounds like you are beating him when you brush his teeth.

their strong perseverance makes you wonder how you will make it through their teenage years.

you’ve attempted everything from essential oils to voodoo magic to calm your toddler at night for bedtime.

you’re afraid your neighbors will call the cops on you because you just offered your toddler brussel sprouts.

people give you multiple sounds of advice as to what you should be doing differently when it comes to parenting.

I used to believe that my boys were weird, odd, little assholes, or just going through a phase….turns out, it’s called being a spirited child. Okay.

Anyway, my kids are pretty amazing and I love them and all, but what is it with the odd things that they do? Case in point: licking things.

Can someone please tell me what the fascination is with that?

My kids have been known to lick the walls, swings, the fridge, the floor, the shopping cart handle…the list goes on. Just thinking about it all completely skeeves me out (the germs!) and also leaves me wondering: why do my kids do the weirdest shit? Like, are they going to be licking their school desk when they head off to kindergarten? What about the teacher’s leg? Should my husband and I save up for therapy now?

I recently had a conversation with some of my mom friends and ironically enough, we got on the topic of our kids licking random objects-– phew, my boys aren’t the only kids that lick random objects— turns out, it’s a normal thing. Imagine that. And shortly after that conversation was had, my oldest licked the swing pole.

Kids are weird, and that’s okay.

Since my oldest has inched more out of his shell and his personality is blooming, I’ve really noticed his little quirks (which are pretty stinking cute, might I add) and I try my best to not discourage him from his uniqueness.

Let’s face it, though– when you’re in the grocery store and your kid is licking the tile floor and people are just looking at your like, well, are you going to do something about that? It can be embarrassing. Yes, I used to get embarrassed by my kids, however that ship has long since sailed because….no fs given.

Kids will be weird because kids are kids. And if my son wants to put on his rain boots in ninety degree weather while making silly faces at random people, well so be it. And if he wants to roar like a dinosaur at other kids at the playground, well so be it. All those peculiar traits make him unique and downright pretty awesome.

I will admit something to you– in the beginning of being a mom, I wanted to please everybody. I would listen to all of the advice and consider everything. Besides being a people-pleaser by nature, I truly wanted to just do everything right (when it came to being a mom and raising a tiny human). That meant, if I was out with my baby and he started to fuss, I would leave the store. If he was having a melt-down, I would scoop him and run out the door. I didn’t want to piss off anybody because my kid was crying but worse– I didn’t want to be judged for being a ‘bad mom.’

That is all insane to think of now– in reality, my babies were fed and being well-taken care of, who cares if they are fussing? Who cares if they are crying? Spoiler-alert: it’s what kids do, and if someone is going to make you feel bad about that, well you don’t need that mess in your life. I’ve come a real long way from my early days of raising babies. Now? You can offer me all of your advice but don’t expect me to acknowledge it. I won’t run out of the store the moment my kids begin to meltdown (I still need food, ya know) and I will never apologize for my children– that are toddlers and don’t know how to regulate their emotions yet– for having said meltdown. So if you’ve gotten the looks, the stares and perhaps, the snickers…you may find this chapter to be a bit refreshing.

Want more? YOUR PENIS WILL FALL OFF! is available only on Amazon, and can be bought in eBook or paperback.

Here is the linky-link: Amazon Books

Remember: supporting my book helps feed my kids. Don’t let them starve.

Happy Holidays!






Laura has lived all around the world, recently moving from Europe to South Georgia. She's a Yankee, so don't expect her to say y'all. In her spare time of chasing her two energetic boys, Laura is a freelance writer, with her work featured on various platforms. Read more of her wit over on Medium, @laurabowerwriter.

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