I’m just going to say it – Mother’s Day is the worst. Basically it’s a day for me to realize how little everyone does around here, and I have to dance around catering to my mother and mother-in-law on top of it. I know what an ungrateful bitch I sound like too. I just screamed at everyone and locked myself in the storage room. Fuck Hallmark. Anyone else feel like this?
Dear Suffering Mom,
Oh honey, we hear you. We hear you loud and clear. Before I get started on some words of sage advice, I’m gonna recommend that you pop out of your hideaway long enough to grab an adult beverage of your choice and a bag of doritos.
Are you back? Great. Pour yourself a glass, see how many chips you can fit in your mouth at once and settle in for some words of support.
Forget everything you read about Mother’s Day. It’s a farce. Mother’s Day isn’t a celebration, it’s a national day of memorial that should come with a mandatory two minutes of silence. For most of us, Mother’s Day is just one more chance for life to kick us in the boobs with the reminder that no one appreciates the work that we do.
For the past week Facebook has been spoonfeeding us posts about “how great mothers are” and “ten things we do and don’t want for mother’s day”. If I see one more picture of an orchid with Happy Mother’s Day written in curly script on it, I’m going to barf. If you click on through to some of these posts you’ll quickly realize that the only people talking about Mother’s Day are MOTHERS. That’s right. For every one man saying “Thanks Honey!” there are 4,982,450 women saying “Fergawdsakes, please do something, ANYTHING, for me for Mother’s Day.”
The truth is that only about 1.5% of all mothers in the world have a picture perfect Mother’s Day.
The rest of us moms are lucky to get a glitter and macaroni covered card that we’ll just have to vacuum up later. Let me break it down for you:
60% of moms spend the day doing the exact same thing we always do – cooking, cleaning, wiping butts and noses and just trying to survive until bedtime. Our spouses use excuses like “It’s not a ‘real’ holiday” or “It’s just a commercial thing” or “Oops, I forgot!” to explain why there isn’t even the mandatory box of cheap CVS chocolates waiting for us on the breakfast table. If this is your situation, you have two options. 1) Bend over and bite the pillow…you’re getting the Mother’s Day shaft and you are not going to enjoy it. OR 2) Call for an immediate strike and retreat, wine and doritos in hand, to the nearest storage closet that you can securely lock from the inside. Bonus points if you manage to take the iPad and charger with you.
Another 38.5% of moms spend the day catering to the older generation…their moms or the dreaded mother-in-law. I know, I know, there’s nothing like having your own kids to make you gain a whole new appreciation for your own mother’s work over the years. Do yourself a favor and thank her on another day. Mother’s Day should be strictly limited to those who are still in the thick of the “mothering” time period. Once again you have two options. You can either 1) Hightail it out of the room anytime any grandparent asks about Mother’s Day lunch plans or 2) Do a preemptive strike and book out grandparent babysitting services before they realize the significance of the day.
That leaves us the last 1.5%. The Mother’s Day lovers. There are only two ways to make 100% sure you will fall into this category. You can either be a royal, raving bitch about Mother’s Day so that your family fears for their own lives if they eff it up. Or you can marry the perfect man. Huh, maybe that just leaves you with one option after all.
F You, Mother’s Day.
This speaks truth… raw and terrible truth.
Maybe the smart marketers at hotels and restaurants should do a special event on the day of mothering that we all really want…make a “Ladies only” mimosa fuelled brunch for this auspicious Sunday. Allow husbands to phone in their payment for the meal and bar tab, but they don’t get to come, and it is CLEARLY a no kid event. Maybe people will start getting the hint and giving us a day friggin’ off.
I am so mega honored by your comment. I was trying to channel my inner-Magnolia on this one!
It is cathartic to hard line your inner Magnolia, be careful… great power it has to speak raw truth…
Picturing you after clicking on submit for this post: lean back – hand up to wrist in bowl of chips, wine in the other hand… feet up with a giant grin…then realizing you just found your daughter’s polly pocket doll – the good news is you won’t need that haemorrhoid cream now.
Truth be told, I wrote this while sitting in Starbucks after having given up on my family and made the sneaky exit out the backdoor. I prefer Starbucks to my closet as it has both wifi and coffee…
I really really love your idea. I like my mimosa’s with extra champagne. Whatever your Sunday is like I hope it is exactly what you want it to be.
Lynn–That was perfect. Also, I have Doritos on my keyboard.
Magnolia- I would like an invite to said event.
My Mother’s Day was perfect because I wrote a blog-post detailing exactly what I wanted and sort of implied divorce if my husband didn’t read it. He read it. Shit happened. It was good. It took us eight years of me throwing tantrums for us to get to this point.
I posted something about it on my FB page and received tons of comments from other not-so-fortunate mammas. And I had another good friend texting me all day about how her husband (who is generally a nice guy) had spent part of the day with his own mother across the state, and then instead of coming home to help out his wife with their 3 kids, he ended up staying where he was and helping his sister with some stupid project at her house. This makes me very, very sad. When are men going to get the goddamn point so that mothers can have ONE FUCKING DAY off, ONE DAY to be celebrated and genuinely appreciated? We need to fix this shit.
Oh, and Lynn? “Bite the pillow”? Could you BE more awesome?
My blog post on Mother’s Day covers it, and my husband did the laundry, cooked, and got the kids outta da house! It was awesome!
I am with Magnolia on this one. Forget kids and husbands. I don’t want contact with anyone other than my bitches and a nice chilled bottle of bubbly.
Every year I ask for a homemade card without glitter and a day that I do nothing. I think this year I will need to be more specific – a day without the family in the house! Just once… Just once!
Ahhh … a finer Mother’s Day post was never written. Everything you say, Lynn, is oh-so-true. I’ve been neglected in years’ past on the (alleged) big day, despite my whining and pouting. Apparently, the guilt trips have come to fruition. This year my 14-year-old daughter convinced my ex-husband (her dad) to help her purchase a mom-and-daughter spa and tea date for me. Perfecto! Yes, I have a fairly great ex. Now if I can only get my (current) husband to remember the day …
Oh my god, I have found my tribe!! I knew there were mothers like me somewhere on the internet- there had to be- I refused to believe the fact that I was alone in my snark and views of life as a mama, wife, woman and Chief Butt Wiper, Worker of Too Many F-ing Jobs, Runner of Multiple Daily Errands/Appointments even though I’m recovering from a completely screwed up brain surgery (so my husband can play computer games all night and sleep all day…yes, it’s taken me a decade to realize I am supporting a man-child…and his days are numbered.) Thank whatever religious or secular entity that I have found you!! Your Mother’s Day post felt like the mirror of my soul. I have found my people, and they rock!! Who needs a box of chocolates? I found BluntMoms.
Yours in Teeth Grinding Smile Sympathy on Mother’s Day,
(freelance writer of many odd topics, worker of even stranger jobs, mystery shopping queen & blogger of herbaninkster.com – the domain and blog I paid for, yet mysteriously will not let me publish anything yet…soon, there will be content, once India gets back to me about the necessary wizardry required to unlock the keys to my blog.)
HA! I love this, Lynn. This year, I am planning on running away for the day. Just kidding. I am celebrating my mom with my child—the same child who told me I look GIANT and TIRED this morning.
Oh you ladies are wonderful. I’m in tears from anger and sadness. I love my kiddos dearly but holy crap do I feel unappreciated. I don’t need the world but the hubby isn’t in town and they’ve been extra trouble lately. So mothers day will just be another day of cooking, cleaning, and breaking up bickering and yelling at them to clean up their toys.
This is hysterical! I feel lucky to be spending my mother’s day working this year. But because I work from home, I’m planning on buying myself one of those Mother’s Day chocolate chip cookie cakes and munching on it while I sit in front of my laptop…all by myself.
God I love this! I just hate Mother’s Day and my birthday. If I don’t make all the plans, from reservations to babysitters, to shopping and doing the prep for that “special meal,” there would be nothing. Last night I declared a moratorium on all celebrations having to do with me. It’s more work than it’s worth.
I kicked them out of the house for the afternoon so I can have peace and quiet to drink the bottle of champagne my husband rushed out to get this morning when he realized how badly he screwed up.
I’m so over this day. 3 young kids and a 4th on the way keeping me from my mimosas while cooking and cleaning all day this year. I informed my husband I would not be doing much this year as far as cooking or cleaning and he proceeded to invite 30 family members to my house so he could make dinner and do something special for his mom. I’m not his mom according to him (I think I’ll take a year off from his laundry and meals and all of the other things I mother does for their child) and it’s up to my toddlers and 7 year olds to make me cards plus he bought me a chocolate bar so I should be having the best Mother’s Day of my life. I did my part I made the house spotless Friday and Saturday and he alone trashed the house today… So over it… Just another day to realize how unappreciated I am. They’re going to come over to a trashed house and nothing to eat because he’s siting on the couch like normal expecting I’m going to take care of making his Mother’s Day a wonderful day for her and I’m not doing shit other than dirty diapers and feeding kids… Bare minimum.
Wow I really feel sorry for you. Not for any of the pity parade of self serving sexism or the statistics you invented on the spot. But because at some time in your life something made you this bitter and man hating. I really cant imagine what its like to lead such a negative and hateful existence, but i hooe you get the help you need
It’s not bitterness; it’s an unfortunate reality. My kids are older so celebrating Mother’s Day is a nonissue for me. Seriously all I wanted was to go to the greenhouse, buy a few flats of flowers, and plant them in peace. No fancy dinner. No gifts. Cards are OK.
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YES!!! Massive fist pump…. Thank you…. now I can go about my day doing everything I normally do and try to cater to my mom as well.
A thousand times yes!! And some husbands, I haven’t figured out if mine is one or not….figure that you aren’t THEIR mother….why should. You get the hist!
As a fresh young stepmom, I always wondered why we took the kids on mother’s day weekend. As a tired old birth-mom, I completely understand…
Thank you so much, you made my “Mother’s” day!
I hate Mother’s Day . Mother’s Day is ridiculous. I woke up to the sound of my drunken 23 year old vomiting and cussing. Mother’s Day should take a hike!!
The most empowering thing I ever did was to declare that I hate mother’s day. I now highlight the examples provided to me on a daily as to why. Unsubscribing to society’s definitions of “motherhood” is the best thing I could have ever done for ME.
This was exactly what I needed! Every year I tell myself I’m not going to expect anything. And every year I fail.
Thanks for speaking truth.
Mother’s Day is a crock of shit.
It is so validating to read this!! As a mom of 2 self-centered teens, and husband who sort-of tries, this is how I feel. Particularly the part about the pressure to honor ones own mother and mother-in-law who don’t deal with selfish kids in the home still!!! Thank you for writing down what so many of us feel! We feel the major shaft. Lack of appreciation for dealing with the school, sports teams, girlfriend/ boyfriend dramas, grooming, helping with assignments, endless chauffeuring, encouraging and supporting through adolescence. This mother’s day “celebration” is a slap in the face for many of us. It should be banned lol. I am so grateful to read this today 🙂 I feel less alone.
I got 2 post its…one said happy mom’s day and the second said “Dad has the dishes.” Oh wonderful something that we do everyday…how about a card (even with glitter!), how about breakfast (even cereal) how about not having to force my son to make a card for both grandmas, a step grandma, and a god mother. Maybe someone could force him to make me a card. I organized and bought flowers and other gifts for all of them. WTF!
I needed to read this today. Because it’s Father’s day, and I was very happy to be able to get something for my husband that he actually wants, and I like being able to do nice things for him. He’s depressed, and angry, and he is the SAHD and I work. Which we are both unhappy about (hoping to change it soon). Let ME be a blunt mom: I don’t need or expect anything for mother’s day. But what I don’t need is for him to say “I hate mother’s day and I hate you.” out of frustration and some kind of weird paranoia that he thinks I expect that day to be anything special. So am I rubbing it in that I did something for him? Maybe, but I really to want him to feel special, because he just doesn’t.
Yes. Yes to this article.
Fuck this miserable day. It is a shitty day for you to celebrate your mother, and your husbands mother while you yourself do not even get a happy mothers day verbally.
Do not worry. Junior is being as horrible as possible to make it really soak it how little value you have to anyone.