It happened twice this week. I took my two little kids to my friends’ houses for play-dates and their homes were spotless. I’m positive they cleaned their houses for me. So I could see it. So I could think to myself, “Her house is cleaner than mine, she’s perfect.” Why would my friends want me to think like that?
I get it. I also feel the pressure to be seen as perfect. I admit I’ve cleaned the house for play-dates. But that was before I realized why I was doing it. I was showing off. Pretending that I had everything under control so I might be admired. I was making my friends feel bad about their home by making mine look so unattainably clean. I was being rude.
I don’t do that anymore.
I no longer clean up before other moms come over and I don’t apologize for the mess. That means leaving the dishes in the sink, leaving loose macaroni on the table, and leaving the toys scattered. Having a home full of young children is nothing to be ashamed of and yet I was constantly trying to hide the evidence.
The first time I had company over with my house in its honest state, I got physically uncomfortable when I heard the knock on the door. I knew they were standing next to the dirty diaper bucket on the porch and it wasn’t empty. I could see the diaper bucket, greeting them, “Hello, welcome to our home”. I let them in; she stepped around the Legos and abandoned shirts and sat on my couch. With a heavy sigh she said, “Thank you for not cleaning your house for me. It’s nice to have a friend who doesn’t pretend.”
I’ve been following this rule for a few months now and the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. I have heard the words, “Thank you” in regards to my disheveled home from every single mother who has entered it. I have had mothers express that going to a “perfect” house causes them, “serious stress… I just worry that my kids are going to mess things up.” This simple act has also increased the depth of my friendships. As soon as I quit trying to bolster my ego through vacuuming, my friends got real with me. They sat in my messy living room and cried about husbands, finances and loneliness.
And my friends stopped cleaning their houses for me. Funny how that works. I have gotten the chance to see how my friends really live. And it’s beautiful. There are signs of life everywhere.
I understand that there are some parents who have mastered housekeeping and there are some three-year-olds who are helpful and neat. I understand that every home has a different cleanliness base-line. I get it. I really do. But, in the world I live in, the minute you invite a toddler to live in your house, it becomes a zoo… pooh flinging included. I know that there is someone out there who would be like, “Wow. I’m uncomfortable with this mess and you’re disrespecting me by not cleaning it for me.” To those critics I would say, “I’m not ashamed of my house, I’m not ashamed of my life and if you can’t handle this type of reality, go somewhere else.”
I stopped cleaning up my house for play-dates because I don’t want to add to the perfection epidemic. When my friends come over I want them to feel like they’re in a home, not a museum. I’m not washing my dishes before you come over because I don’t believe in making my friends feel bad about their dishes. I want my friends to know that they are welcome in my space. I am not pretending to be something that I’m not. I am not here to make you feel small. This is where I’m at right now.
I’m not saying I’m giving up trying to keep a clean home. I’m not. If I took so much as a week off, I’m pretty sure child protective services would be knocking at the door with concerned looks and clipboards. No, I’m really trying but I’m not perfect and I’m done pretending to be.
I bet someday we’ll miss the mess. I bet someday we’ll be wrinkled and old and we’ll finally have all those tall imported curtains and delicate vases. Someday everything will be in its place. When that day comes I bet we won’t clean up after grand-kids in hopes of showing off the mess to our old lady friends. So that we can say things like, “Yes, the grandchildren came over and look at this mess!” Someday we will long for the mess. It will be quiet and we’ll wonder why we ever tried to hide the fact that we were raising children.
(This post originally appeared on Candy House Blog.)
About the author: Kristin is mother, social worker, wife and writer. She believes in second chances and in the power of picture books. She is also the co-author (with Brian) of the upcoming children’s book, Candy Monster. Read more at www.candyhouseblog.com
3 Comments
This is the second article I have read this week regarding the state of someone’s home. I commented on the last one and have been insulted because I am a tidy person. I taught my boys from the time they were walking to put their dirty clothes in the laundry hamper, clean up their toys when they were finished playing etc. There is nothing wrong with living your life the way you see fit but please if it’s ok for you to have a messy home please allow me to have a tidy one without assuming I clean up for show. Some of us in the world find clutter makes us crazy.
The author did state there are some households that are ran to be clean all the time and not for show.
It’s ok to be different, it’s ok to be real, it’s ok to be who you and your family are.
I appreciate this blog and its message.
I always try to clean extra before guests and it is for show. The stress is unnecessary and as long as the place isn’t filthy, it’s really not needed. I have been stressed out seeing others who have spotless homes too, wondering what I am doing wrong. And there’s nothing wrong that I am doing, or the friends whose home is perfectly clean.
I especially enjoyed the ending sentiments about letting the place look like we have children. We should be proud, and sometimes that means proud of their messes. We all know grandparents are extremely proud of the kids and having their grandchildren over. They surely cherish the mess.
I was a very clean and tidy child. I cleaned and tidied after myself and sometimes I did housework because it looks and feels good afterwards. My mum set the example and everything looked so sparkly. When I went to cousin’s houses, they didn’t bother tidying up for me (but did for adults) and I didn’t think badly of them. I found it interesting to see what they were doing earlier and what they’d probably be doing later. I was seeing into their life.
But I remember this one neighbour’s house that I did not like as a child. It was full of cheap junk in order to show off how “wealthy” they were. It wasn’t even the children’s belongings but their parents who had nasty arrogant personalities. They even sent their children to steal from our house and then lied about it and complained about me disrespecting them with such accusations when they decided to confront my dad and after their child reported that I’d been a witness and could have told my parents. The only person I’d told (whispered to because stealing is such a huge crime) was my dad, in the privacy of our now locked house which was on a different floor so how could they have heard..anything? My dad knew the expensive thing from our house was missing and replaced with a scratched up dirty forgery but he’s a coward so he just laughed and said he didn’t know why I was accusing them and that our missing item shall remain a mystery. Apologies for my child’s disrespect. Ha. Ha. Ha.
My parents divorced and my dad remarried. While mum’s house remained clean, my dad’s house has recurring cockroach infestations and rodent infestations despite his new wife being a full time housewife with my dad helping her out with the cooking and cleaning after work. While she’d be on her phone all day sucking up to people she bad-mouthed to other people on the phone and fishing for compliments. She’s the type that would vacuum and tidy for adult guests. That’s no excuse for cockroaches and rodents. I’ve seen and learnt the names of quite a few new bugs from the ones I saw in their house. Until then, the only bugs I saw and knew from the school garden were ants, ladybirds, bees, butterflies, worms, slugs, snails and spiders.