Would sex make you feel better?

Look, I’m sorry for walking into the toilet when you had the door shut. I thought that was a weird place for us, but it has been hard to find boom boom time with the kids at home. My bad. I’ll wait outside the door until you’re done.

I’m sorry I misunderstood your need for a shower as a pre-emptive invitation to have sex. I’ll wait in the bed.

I’m sorry for following you into the closet. I thought you wanted to show me your boobs. Can you? Can you show me your boobs?

I’m sorry I misunderstood you doing laundry with the door closed as a request to come in and enjoy the spin cycle together. I’ll leave you for now, but call me when you put that load in the dryer.

I’m sorry you had the TV on loud, and I ran in to see if it was porn. You really shouldn’t keep the volume up like that unless you are disguising porn. Want to watch porn? Was that the ding for the dryer?

I’m sorry I pulled back the curtains and scared you hiding there. I thought it was a game of ‘cum and find me,’ and I was pretty impressed by your hiding spot. Can you be naked next time?

I’m sorry I interrupted you in the car while eating chips with your hat over your eyes. I thought it was kinky, and I was into it, but now I see I might have been wrong, but since we’re here…

I’m sorry I interrupted you watching service people surprise their loved ones by returning home unannounced. I saw your pouty lips and that little quiver, and I couldn’t resist grabbing your tits. Sex may not have been appropriate right now, but that’s part of the surprise. Grrrr.

I’m sorry I stalked you using that app to find you in the woods. This game of cat and mouse is really getting me excited. I’d love to use that tree to prop you against if you’re into that? Or maybe later. How ‘bout that one, though? The bark looks inviting. I see you brought tissues. Nice thinking!

I’m sorry I didn’t hear you through your incessant sobbing. Did you say ‘No’ or ‘Go’? Because I’m down. This time I brought the tissues. Sure, sure. Sure, I’ll leave the tissues. Close the door on my way out? No problem. No need to throw the box. I’m going. I’m going. This feels like a mixed message.

Maybe later?


Kristine Laco shares the stories we all have with a splash of sarcasm, a pinch of bitch and a ton of wine at Adulting In Progress dot com. Her middle finger is her favourite and she lives by the motto that if you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them. She takes selfies at the gyno. Taco Tuesday is her gospel. Reality TV is real folks. She is making turning 50 a job because she doesn't have one.

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