I woke up the other day with horizontal indentations across my forehead. I stood at the mirror and tried to rub them out. My husband was supportive.
“Dear, you’re old. They’re laugh lines. You’re happy, but you’re old.”
“I’m not happy now. And you’re bald.”
What the fuck? Did I just get old? And, I moisturize. My most recent purchase was a serum with regenerative strains of micro-algae. And, I put that shit on my face. It was supposed to firm and lift. For $98, I should have tighter skin and perkier breasts. But no, I have bowling alley gutters above my eyebrows and my boobs are at my knees.
Never mind that I have always looked young for my age. I’m lucky, blah blah, blah. Tell that to someone who isn’t wearing so many spandex undergarments she could be Richard Simmons’ gal Friday. It’s fine; I can breathe when I sleep.
Then there’s forgetting and losing things. Yes, it’s little things, but it’s crazy-making. Yesterday, I spent ten frantic minutes searching for my phone, my sons waiting with full backpacks, lunchboxes, and punching each other–just because.
“Um, Mom, your phone is in your hand.”
“Get in the car.”
“Mom, I think you’re getting old.”
“Get in the trunk.”
And don’t get me started on grey hair. I’ve been a frequent dyer for years. As an Italian/Ukrainian brunette, my first grey came early. That sucker was front and center, wiry and strong-willed. I started with semi-annual colorings but as the years progressed, so did their frequency. My stylist is now live-in. He has the guest bedroom and his own Christmas stocking; it’s easier that way. And that’s just the hair on my head. Yes, ladies, the carpet and the drapes match. Keep an eye on the carpet. You do not want your husband or partner to be the archaeologist on that dig.
Eventually, you’ll win the Triple Crown. Carpet, drapes, and chin, which I like to call “the sofa.” Expect billy goat hairs to sprout from your sofa with Jack-in-the-Beanstalk like fervor. My first was a powerful sucker that I showed to my husband, just to gross him out. It worked. “If you ever want sex again, don’t show me that.”
And, then there was sex. I remember being a randy little acrobat in my 20s and 30s. Then I had kids, and developed a thyroid disorder, and went through early-onset menopause. If you don’t know what that does to your sex drive, Google it. You’ll never Google again. Also, there are dryness issues. Yes, you can make a pinched I-just-ate-a-lemon-face. But, your lady bits will not be the glorious fountain of, well the fountain, they once were. You only get so much and you use it up. There are creams and ointments and work-arounds, but that’s the thing, sex becomes less spontaneous and more of a process. You have to laugh about it, or take your dried-up lady bits and play alone, which could take for-fucking-ever, by the way. So, budget more time, lighten up and stock up on the lube (I find extra strength is best). You can still have fun, but no swinging from the chandeliers. You’ll hurt your back; you’re way too old for that shit.
Plus, you’ve gained weight. OK, I’ve gained weight. What if we rip the chandelier out of the ceiling? How will we explain that to the kids? Some women, I like to call them bitches, don’t gain weight as they age. The rest of us mortals, we’re fucking mortal! Our bodies change. That metabolism you used to have? It is gone. So, either say goodbye to wine and dessert or learn to love that extra little bit of you. That’s my plan. I will not go out drinking a kale smoothie. Not going to happen. I earned my Malbec and chocolate cake. I have lived half a century. I made two people, who, despite everything they have put me through, are still alive. Pour me a glass of wine, damn it, and pass the cake. And, make it a corner piece.
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This is hilarious! I understand it, unfortunately, you can’t make this shit up. :p
Right, Debbie? So true and annoying.
Lore, thank you so much for reading and commenting! Great to hear from you again. There’s more where that came from girl!
My cousin sent me this one about!
Did I just get old, and I laughed until I cried & about rolled off the damn bed! Lmao
Keep it coming at 47 lol I need all the humor I can get. Thanks your newest fan 🙂
I am your biggest fan! Woman, you can write! I laughed, out loud, many times, lost count, while reading this blog. My son asked “are you okay in there?” Yes, I am, because this woman relates and does so perfectly!
Keep up the great work Jenny. When I get back on Facebook, I promise to promote you often, why? Because I believe in you. Give me a few months and then let the chips (hopefully they will accumulate into dollars…fall where they may—your wallet!!)
suggestions: unrefined virgin coconut oil (for face, body and neck–buy it in grocery stores) and 310 meal supplements so those bitches aren’t alone in being called bitches for being skinny! xo
I’m so happy to see that you’ve found an outlet for your fabulous sense of humor, writing skills and storytelling, JK! You make 50 look good!
Hilarious!! This is my favorite thing I have seen of yours. PERFECT! “Get in the trunk” and your stylist has his own Christmas stocking. LOVE THIS!
Thank you Susan! That means a lot coming from you. Fun to write. I think there’s more where that came from. Maybe 50 has me hitting my stride.
This thing cracks me up. — “Get in the trunk!” Great post!
Thank you! Glad you liked it!
You win the internet with this one today. And, me and you need to find those bitches who don’t gain weight as they age, hold them down and stuff ho ho’s in their face.
Yes, deep fried ho-hos. Bitches.
I love this piece!! I mean really, really love this piece! All I have left to say is sing it sister!!!!
LMAO! I laugh so hard reading this and patted my own unruly grey hairs. This shit is true!
One woman show. Take it on the road – you’ll have them
jumping in their seats. Best ever Jenny.
You’ve outdone yourself with this one, Jenny. Seriously funny.
Thank you so much, Shannon. Glad you liked it. High praise coming from you, girl.
Yeah, it’s no fun getting old. I just recently realized (at my son’s trampoline party) I can no longer bounce w/ the best of them. It was a sad, sad day.
get in the trunk– hahahaha!!! Ironically, I had the same old age epiphany as of late! Lol–this was great!!!!
I haven’t yet reached 50, but the bowling alley is already breaking ground on my forehead. 😀 Too funny!
I just caught up with this piece and I am so glad I did. Freakin’ funny and right on point. If you find a way to get the boys in the trunk, please pass that along as well. Great laugh first thing in the morning and it reminded me to check for chin hairs and pluck them before anyone else got up!
Thanks, Maureen. As for the trunk, what a hassle. I may strap them to the roof, that way when I drop them off, I can just slow down to maybe 10 mph and have them roll off. That’d work, don’t you think?
LOL!!! I was just blessed with an overly thick black chin hair for my 34th birthday. He seems to enjoy his new place of residency and reminds me that he is there on a VERY frequent basis despite the constant tweezer war. I may really have a goat face by 50, but i’ll make sure I have cake.
Ha! Definitely cake, Sara. Or lemon bread. YUM!
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Um, I believe that I have a chin hair that could rival yours- it’s an aggressive beast, black, thick and strong. And I’m only 39. I’m not aging very well- the jowls are starting to look like mcjagger, but I take comfort in knowing that my fellow sister warriors are out there, wrinkles, saggy tits and all, paving the way for me and my gray hairs.
Jill, come see me when you start getting white billy goat chin hairs. Those suckers need a bulldozer to remove, and they are dead sexy. But, yes, we’re all in this together, and the men aren’t getting any younger either!
I keep telling myself the reason I’m gaining weight is because I’m getting old. It’s definitley not because I can put away half of a cookie cake in 30 minutes.
Like Susan, my comment needs to mention “Get in the trunk.” LOVE that line, along with the chin as “the sofa.”
Btw, I can barely read what I’m typing on this screen, due to my new, ultra-strong bifocals…
I know, Jocelyn, the whole glasses thing. I have readers but progressives for driving. I look like a bobble head when I try to read with those suckers.
This is so damn funny. True and funny. I love it! Thanks! 🙂
“Some women, I like to call them bitches, don’t gain weight as they age.” Hahahaha! OMG, so funny and I so relate. I went through menopause twice! The first time was at 38! OMG This is so funny and so true. Having sex is like trying to get a family of 10 ready to take a camping trip. Do you have this? Oh, don’t forget that. OMG, we almost didn’t bring those.
Funny, funny, funny. Sharing.
Thanks Mary! I love hearing back from others who “get it.”
I like to call them bitches too. Great post.
“I will not go out drinking a kale smoothie.” Amen, sista! Perimenopausal belly paunch be damned!
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