Children are, by nature, curious creatures.
Often this curiosity translates into moments of intense embarrassment for their parents.
It pretty much starts the moment they enter the world, where you find yourself naked and screaming in front of a bunch of strangers (like Spring Break but with less alcohol and 30 extra pounds) and continues throughout their childhood. I sometimes find myself looking at them in disbelief wondering if am raising a bunch of misfits. Below is just a snippet of embarrassing scenarios I’ve found myself in. Please tell me some of the following have also happened to you?
1. Kids will snoop
Because they are the Christopher Columbus of finding shit they are not supposed to. And when they do, they will eventually find your vibrator. May I suggest when this happens, you DO NOT tell them it’s your neck massager unless you want to sit there and have your child actually MASSAGE YOUR NECK with it. So I’ve heard.
2. Kids will call out a stranger
When allowed in public, children will point people out for being too fat, too skinny, for having too few teeth, too many moles and for their pink hair. (Mom, is that a wizard?) When this occurs, it’s best to pretend they are someone else’s kids and briskly walk away.
3. Kids will grab your boobs
This will most likely take place at a grocery store check-out when the person ringing you up is a pimply 16-year-old. Because you are holding your groping toddler in one hand and your wallet in the other, he will be free to feel you up as long as his heart desires. If he doesn’t ask you “Why are your meatballs so big?” consider yourself lucky.
4. Kid love their own private parts
“Mom,” he will scream while in the busiest aisle of Target, “my penis won’t go down.” You will find yourself explaining through gritted teeth that if he stops touching it so much, it will. This also goes for your little princess who will develop an itch in her nether region that requires she scratch it on the side of the cart like a dog in heat.
5. Kids will have accidents
I’m not talking babies here, they get a hall pass. I am talking children of a certain age who are fully potty trained. Inevitably there will come a time, most often in a crowded restaurant or shopping mall, when they decide the hell with it, today feels like a good day to shit myself. They will give you no warning and you will have to go all Zero Dark Thirty trying to get to them while you scream “Noooooooo” in slow motion. Strangers will look on with horror as your precious child’s poop face is on display for all of suburbia to witness.
6. Kids will walk in on you having sex
Depending on their age, your child will either A: Crawl right into bed next to you, B: Stand frozen in fear and begin sobbing or C: Run from the room screaming that you ruined her life. But enough about them, your child just saw your sex face which is SO MUCH WORSE than strangers seeing their poop face. You realize as your husband dismounts that you are going to have to put them up for adoption.
7. Kids will guarantee wardrobe malfunctions
I was carrying my toddler at the pool one day, along with a lawn chair, 3 towels, a beach ball, and a bag full of snacks when I finally found an open spot. I looked down and to my horror, my toddler, who had been slipping slowly down my body with every step I took, had been clinging for dear life to my suit top. Which was now closer to my suit bottom. I’d walked the length of the neighborhood pool with my nipple showing.
And now we have to sell the house.
If anyone needs me, I’ll just be plotting my revenge for when they become teenagers.