My dearest girls,

Both of you are finally sound asleep. Even though Stela, you might be faking it. I am not quite sure if that was the last from you tonight. Anyway, looks like I have a few precious moments all to myself. Oddly enough I am sitting at the computer instead of being splayed over the couch enjoying a good book. I am in the mood to write down my thoughts and due to the lack of a journal, which I attempted to write about a dozen of times, this might be the best venue. I have great hopes that in time the two of you will want to read my ramblings.

The beginning of the new year made me not only contemplate on my resolutions and how I know I should strive to do better, it had me thanking and being grateful for the two of you. Basically all I really want is to be worthy of you, someone you are eventually proud to call your Mother. But, girls, really you have to know that half the time I am winging it. Faking my way through. I am contemplating escape routes. Not because I don’t love you. Don’t get me wrong. You are by far my greatest achievements. It’s just I find it overwhelming at times. Being a Mother.

But I get up every morning determined to do my best in raising you to be happy with yourselves. And I should’ve figure it all out by now, but I don’t have all the answers. I am looking at you, Stela. In half of the situations I face, I am wishing for my Mother to swoop in and fix it. And here I am, your hero. What you don’t know is that I am putting on my brave face on and trying to keep it together, hoping to never fail in your eyes.

It’s an unbearable responsibility your Daddy and I were given when we welcomed you into this world. I wasn’t even into having kids, I’m just not good around any of them but you. I went from thinking this is no place to have kids in, to having both of you in the pinnacle of the economic crisis. Because we wanted you so much, nothing mattered. Sometimes I find myself wondering where do I end and you begin. I worry beyond what I can describe with words, how your lives will turn out. Is it presumptuous of me to think it is up to the two adults to direct you in certain ways, to inspire you to do what we were never good at but desperately tried to be. I want you to be more than a better version of me, of your Dad, to be yourselves. How do I let you find that? I am constantly scared I am missing something but I guess I am over thinking it.You will see that I tend to do that a lot.

Mother of two girls. That just brings a smile to my face. I was such a tomboy growing up, never really any good with the girly stuff, never had a bunch of girlfriends and always got along better with guys. When I was told I might be expecting a girl being pregnant with you Stela,I was in shock. How do you raise a girl,what do you do with them, yikes. Well, God really has a sense of humor as I am now Mother to the two of you. And am loving it. Well, of course I will not write I hate it. But truly, I don’t know about other girls or boys, but I was meant to be your Mommy. The two of you complete me. There is this sense of serenity when I can be peaceful with you. Those moments are just a few and far between, but they count.

What I am so clumsily trying to write is, that despite it all, the fear, the responsibility, the worry, I love spending my time with you. I am very lucky the four of us are a family. I promise to do my best and enjoy those moments we have together, not just on paper but for real, without too much yelling, nervousness and hurry to stick to our schedule. I’ll do my best for this resolution to really stick. Because I want what is best for you, to eventually grow up and take no crap from anyone, know exactly what you want and work hard to get it, but most of all I want you to be happy with yourselves no matter what. Come what may I’ll do my best to help you do just that.

Thank you for every day you spend with me…

love Mom

Author

I'm a thirty-something (let's not get into that), mother of two always on the move girls, and married to a husband in love with photography. We love to discover the world. Born in Slovenia of Croatian descent and most probably all English in one of my past lives I am not able to stay put for too long. Luckily the same goes for the rest of my bunch. I love to read, need to write and then share it all on my blog. Well, perhaps not all... maybe.

4 Comments

  1. This is a wonderful, beautiful love letter from mom to her children. I also have two girls and I feel just like you. I was never girly, but my eldest loves dressing up and being a princess, so I let her. It is like these two little people were always with me even though that have been here 4 and 2 years. Now I also have a boy. He is sweet and cute and I am glad to have both girls and a boy. There are so different and each one of them is special. You wrote such a beautiful post that moved me to tears.

  2. Oh my heart. I always thought I’d do better with boys but my daughter makes me complete as a mother
    Your post is just beautiful. 🙂

  3. You got me good, Inga. Beautiful post, but this especially: “There is this sense of serenity when I can be peaceful with you. Those moments are just a few and far between, but they count.”

    Thank you. Thank you, thank you. xxx+o

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