I detest the typical foreplay that gets normal people horny. I can’t even use the word “horny” without imagining reptiles with warts.  Can we please just call it “hot” or “lusty,” people?

This became a problem when my boyfriend introduced this ‘R-rated’ Smartphone app into our relationship. The idea is to choose from a huge menu of sexual activities, and if both people pick the same things, those particular fantasies go in the couple’s mutual sexual bucket to try out in real life.

After an hour, when my “To-Do” list remained empty but three hundred disgusting ideas crowded my “To-Don’t” list, the app declared me frigid and referred me to a sex therapist.

Hmmm.

I quickly realized I needed to be more flexible and open-minded. So here are the least repulsive and inoffensive ideas the Smartphone app (and my boyfriend!) want us to do.

 9 Turn-Ons That Won’t Turn Me On in a Million Years

  1.  Play Around in a Hot tub Together – The jets were fun but when my boyfriend wanted to actually “do it” in the bubbles, I kept wondering how many other couples live in my condominium complex (with this exact Smartphone app) and have been in this very same Jacuzzi recently. Eww. I’m composing my “Ode To Chlorine” right now.
  2.  Shower Sex — I’ve never understood the appeal here. Get naked under unflattering bathroom florescent lighting to partake in a utilitarian cleansing experience associated with either gym locker rooms or Norman Bates in Psycho with my hair plastered to my head while mascara runs down my cheeks and he cracks prison jokes with “don’t bend over to pick up the soap” as the punchline. 
  3. Sex on a Fur Rug in Front of the Fire – As an animal lover, I’m going to be imagining which cuddly Bambi creature was killed for our coziness? And fireplaces are for toasting squishy, white unhealthy blobs. Even though my stomach technically qualifies, I’ll stick with marshmallows, thank you very much. Besides, I sweat profusely when I get “lusty” so I don’t need an open flame to make me perspire even more, thereby necessitating another shower together. Blech.
  4. Add heat or ice to oral sex – Why on earth? This activity is stressful enough as it is. Now I’m supposed to alternate turning his penis into a popsicle and then some kinda fresh outa-the-oven baked goodie I need an oven mitt to handle? Really, can we just go back to using the Reddi-Whip can?
  5. Role Play as Stewardess and Passenger—I’m deathly afraid to fly and pretending to be inducted into the “Mile High” club offers me zero thrills per minute. All I can think about are those air-sickness bags and tiny packages of salted peanuts spilling everywhere.
  6. Do It In Front Of a Mirror – If I have to view my wide reflection staring back at me during sex, he might as well bang me on a doctor’s office scale. I’ll begin obsessing about dieting and “a moment on the lips, forever on the hips.” And then fish n’ chips and chicken strips and onion dips and licorice whips and… yes I binge when I’m being scrutinized.
  7.  Incorporate chocolate covered strawberries or caramel sauce into your foreplay – Right! After the mirror escapade, the only thing I’ll be doing with these treats is adding up how many points they are on Weight Watchers.
  8.  Wrap body Parts in Saran Wrap – Oh sure! Because he needs more proof that he’s getting served leftovers again tonight.
  9.  Masturbate in Front of Each Other, Narrate Finger Auction – Huh? Auction? Okay, I guess. “The next item is a close-up of My Vagina. Done in lovely muted colors and circular brush strokes. I’m now sliding a single finger inside. Do I hear two fingers? Three? Three! Going once, going twice, coming three times!” Oh, never mind. That was a typo on our Smartphone app.  It was Finger Action, NOT Auction.

That gives me a great idea! I’ll look over the other 8 items on our sexual bucket list in the hopes that I misread them as well. No such luck — 100% accurate.  I guess there’s just two options now… serious negotiations with my boyfriend or see that sex therapist.

But I choose option #3, delete the Smartphone app.

 

About the author: Stephanie D. Lewis pens a humor blog called Once Upon Your Prime. Her work has been featured on In The Powder Room, BlogHer, Midlife Blvd, Say It With a Bang and local print publications. She is a regular contributor to The Huffington Post and you can follow her on Twitter @MissMenopause. A single mother of six, she’ll pass on a full time nanny but definitely needs a live-in psychiatrist.

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38 Comments

  1. Pingback: When Their Turn-Ons Are Your Turn-Offs! | Once Upon Your Prime

  2. Marissa Bergen Reply

    Oh Stephanie, you know you’re supposed to wash your makeup off before you get into a shower, yes, even with a man! Kind of reminds me of all the times I kissed a boy and left red lipstick all over both of our faces…live and learn.

    • Showers ARE for washing my makeup off! I should wash it off before I go in? That’s like scrubbing my house right before the cleaning lady comes. I am just far too efficient inside a shower to find anything even remotely sexy there. Thanks for commenting!

  3. I take it that you like your whipped cream in an aerosol can. That way you don’t need extra tools to perform the surgery.

    From your comments on #3, it sounds like you like to make whoopee while lying on a bed of marshmallows. Guess you know what that means you will have to progress to # 2. Or would you prefer to go straight to #1?

    • Bed of marshmallows? Sounds like a recipe for making Whoopie Pies (white fluff, chocolate, cookie crust?) instead of just plain Whoopie. I’d be up for a JetPuff mattress, sure!. Thanks for your very make comment. 😉

  4. Hmmm, so if I wrap body parts in Saran Wrap then have sex on a fur rug in front of a fire will I sweat off enough pounds to be ready for sex in front of the mirror while eating chocolate covered strawberries? Or are the odds better that the Saran Wrap would melt and catch fire? Does the app have any suggestions for having sex while actually on fire?

    • Haha! That’s a good one!! We must combine all of these ideas and suggest a Foreplay Olympics Triathlon! Thanks so much for commenting!

  5. #1 Nothing like group sex in a Hot tub without the rest of the group. And I loved the leftovers, but perhaps your right.

  6. Glad the whole “auction” thing was clarified. Can’t imagine auctioneering during sex would make anybody horny or lusty! Lol

  7. Ah yes, the good old “squishy, white unhealthy blob” invariably converted to squishier blob inside a brittle coat of black ash. Such an aphrodisiac!

  8. Those that need a little more time may want five play. Sounds to me like a triple play may be more to your liking. It’s very helpful here to be flexible but is it your mind you want wide open for this? I see your point about the hot tub which is a good lead in to #2. The mile high club can be achieved many different ways, however, if using the very small room in the back you could also satisfy number six with the mirror as long as you are flexible. The auction was hilarious, certainly could be a mouth full. You are certainly a woman of many talents. Tremendously funny article.

    • Combining the mirror fantasy with the Mile High club one? Ugh! We may as well do it in a carnival funhouse. Can you say mirror distortion? Thanks for commenting.

  9. This really made me laugh! Having sex in the shower with mascara running down the face is not a good look! Mind you having sex in the bat his not great either. If it were me I would end up flooding the bathroom with the inevitable tidal wave that ‘being naughty’ would create!

    • Oh please don’t get me started on bathtubs being sexy. Especially when they show scenes in the movies like Pretty Woman. I would be picturing dirty dead skin floating around everywhere.

  10. Jill Robbins

    This was funny…and I have to tell you, I have never heard of the saran wrap thing. I thought people wrapped themselves in saran wrap to sweat off their flabby midsections (which does not work, I heard it from…uh…a friend) but never to be sexy. How is saran wrap sexy? The thought of my boobs squished in some plastic wrap does not make me want sex, but I think this is one of the things I’m afraid to ask Google…

    • Oh definitely google for laughs! Yes, people love Reynolds aluminum foil wrap too. Maybe they twist their erogenous zones into swan shapes.

  11. Oh this is hilarious, Stephanie!! Yeah… no. To ALL of these!! My little sex bucket would be empty too…

    But the question I want answers to, is what did your BOYFRIEND choose? Hmm… 😉

    • He posted above. He’s a great guy and we both got some good laughs out of this Kindu app. Honestly, some suggestions had to do with graveyards and headstones! And we were both like, WTF?? Thank you so much for commenting!

  12. Jenny Kanevsky

    Love this! I’m with you on these. Pretty traditional and anything involving getting naked in water that others have been in and done it in. Shudder. Also ice is for cocktails not cocks.

    • Ha!!! That was the best line. And yeah….Waterworks… Blech! Even the ocean doesn’t quite seem like it would dilute “things” enough!

  13. You forgot going for it on a beach (no thanks) but I concur with all of these! “Horny” has always bothered me, too.

  14. This is hysterical! And I’m with you…delete the app (which methinks was created by someone who’s never really tried any of these so-called turn-ons).

  15. Hilarious! Shower sex always turns into fighting over who’s hogging all the water. Great on paper. But in real life just really, really cold.

  16. Oh, I’m with you on this one, Steph. I’m too neurotic to enjoy any of those, thinking of all the germs, mess and everything else that would have to be cleaned or sanitized before and after. No thanks. I guess I need to see a therapist too? Well, frankly I don’t need an app to tell me that! Hehehehe……

  17. Too funny Steph! I’m with you…delete, delete, delete. I must say though, the mirror is my favorite ‘bad idea’. Your article got me thinking too…so if they were going to name a sexual fantasy app after a city why one in the Democratic Republic of Congo? Wouldn’t Spread Eagle (Wisconsin) or Intercourse (PA) have been better choices? Even Fucking, Austria makes more sense to me…

  18. It’s really good to know that I’m not the only one who doesn’t like the shower, the whipped cream, and the role playing. It just doesn’t seem necessary or fun.

    Anita

    • oh my goodness – – the role playing has got to be THE WORST! It’s like some reality tv show gone very wrong. How can anyone do that stuff with a straight face? I would be like, “Ok, I know I can do those hooker with a heart of gold lines so much better….can we take 2 and just have you walk into the bar again?” Thanks for commenting!

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