Robert…

Your father and I have been watching the news and we are very disappointed. We keep seeing your face on every channel, all over the Internet and in the newspaper. They keep talking about “the crack”.

Rob, what does this mean? Why is there is a video about your “crack” and why is everybody talking about it?

Son, we have spoken with you before about buying pants that fit. You have always been a little big for your britches, but sweetie you are the mayor of a Canadian metropolis, why would you let people film your backside? If everybody is talking about your crack, it is because they can see it when you bend over. If I take you shopping next weekend for some new trousers, will that take care of this crack problem once and for all?

We were even more upset when people started talking about your friends. There were some photos in the newspapers showing you out with some boys we think aren’t the kind of people your Dad and I would like you playing with. I mean they look a little sketchy don’t you think? Those hooded sweaters and very low hanging pants? Do they have crack issues??? Maybe they should get new pants too.

You are a big boy now, Robbie. You are 44 years old and still can’t seem to choose your friends sensibly. Now I am hearing stories about parties and girls and I am worried about your health. You won’t be able to hide the crack if you don’t start taking care of yourself. The veins in your goiter are an alarming shade of purple honey, maybe eat a vegetable once in a while?

Robert, you know that your Father and I have never been strict with you and your brother, but we have just about enough of these shenanigans. Cover up the crack, get some new friends, and put down the potato chips. You have a city to run, and nobody is going  to believe  for one minute that you regret your crack if you keep waving it around like that. For goodness sake son, don’t embarrass the family.

Sunday dinner at ours as usual?

 

Love, Mom

 

Author

Our Editor-in-Chief Magnolia Ripkin is sort of like your mouthy Aunt who drinks too much and tells you how to run your life, except funny... well mostly funny... like a cold glass of water in the face. She writes a flagrantly offensive blog at Magnolia Ripkin Advice Blog answering pressing questions about business, personal development, parenting, heck even the bedroom isn't safe. She is the Editor in Chief at BluntMoms. Other places to find her: Huffington Post, The Mighty and Modern Loss. You can also check her out in two amazing compendiums of bloggers who are published in “I Just Want To Be Alone.” And most recently, Martinis and Motherhood, Tales of Wonder, Woe and WTF

4 Comments

  1. I actually blog likewise and I’m writing something similar to this excellent blog, “An Open Letter
    to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford from your Mom

  2. Um. You all know his dad is dead, right? And that many think grief could be part of the whole unbridled and ill managed addiction/mental health display we’ve got here?

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