Now my husband likes nearly naked women as much as the next hetero man, but if I turned up in the bedroom with an 8ft tall feathered contraption strapped onto my back, it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference what kind of sexy lingerie I had on.  

That man of mine would laugh so hard that he’d probably give himself an aneurysm.

So what in the hell is Victoria’s Secret on about with this crazy-ass angels show? Have you looked at any of the photos from last night’s “top secret” recording?

Take this one for example: 

NEW YORK, NY - NOVEMBER 10: Model Candice Swanepoel walks the runway during the 2015 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show at Lexington Avenue Armory on November 10, 2015 in New York City. (Photo by Taylor Hill/Getty Images)
(Photo by Taylor Hill/Getty Images)

The long-sleeved bodysuit screams “I wanna have sex with you, but can you pass me some scissors so I can cut a hole in crotch because otherwise you’re gonna need to vacuum suction this thing off of my body.” 

Or this one:

NEW YORK, NY - NOVEMBER 10: Model Lais Ribeiro walks the runway during the 2015 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show at Lexington Avenue Armory on November 10, 2015 in New York City. (Photo by Taylor Hill/Getty Images)
(Photo by Taylor Hill/Getty Images)

At first, I was like, “OK, I’d have to be on top, but I could make this work,” but then I realized that those wings look exactly like my post-childbirth labia. #FAIL 

Then there’s this nonsense…

NEW YORK, NY - NOVEMBER 10: Model Joan Smalls walks the runway during the 2015 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show at the Lexington Armory on November 10, 2015 in New York City. (Photo by Michael Stewart/FilmMagic)
(Photo by Michael Stewart/FilmMagic)

“You don’t need to pull the blinds, honey, I’ll just throw on this giant granny shawl I found back in 1978 in a dumpster behind Studio 54.”

And this one should come with a weapons permit.

NEW YORK, NY - NOVEMBER 10: Model Maria Borges walks the runway during the 2015 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show at Lexington Avenue Armory on November 10, 2015 in New York City. (Photo by Taylor Hill/Getty Images)
(Photo by Taylor Hill/Getty Images)

“Your honor, I have no idea what happened! I just spun around in a circle and when I turned back I’d accidentally sheared his erect penis off of his body.”

….on the bright side, you can use some of the tassels to tie it back on, m’kay.

Speaking of the wrong kind of toy box

NEW YORK, NY - NOVEMBER 10: Model Ming Xi walks the runway during the 2015 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show at Lexington Avenue Armory on November 10, 2015 in New York City. (Photo by Taylor Hill/Getty Images)
 (Photo by Taylor Hill/Getty Images)

When we grown-ups talk about toys, Vickie, we mean vibrators and dildos, not costumes that make us look like our kid’s creepy Hello Kitty doll. 

Last, but not least…..THIS.

NEW YORK, NY - NOVEMBER 10: Model Cindy Bruna walks the runway during the 2015 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show at the Lexington Armory on November 10, 2015 in New York City. (Photo by Michael Stewart/FilmMagic)
(Photo by Michael Stewart/FilmMagic)

Congratulations, Victoria’s Secret, you just invented the world’s sexiest chastity belt.

Author

Lynn Morrison is a smart-ass American raising two prim princesses with her obnoxiously skinny Italian husband in Oxford, England. If you've ever hidden pizza boxes at the bottom of the trash or worn maternity pants when not pregnant, chances are you'll like the Nomad Mom Diary. Catch up with her daily on Facebook and Twitter.

1 Comment

  1. We’ve come a long way baby. (You may be too young to catch that reference.).

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