Super Birther C-Section

I can say now that it matters very little, but four years ago it was one of the most disappointing things to ever happen to me: I had my first-born by emergency c-section, and it left me feeling like I wasn’t ‘woman enough’ to have my baby.

Of course I will tell you how necessary it was; there was a laundry list of reasons that led to it – including baby’s weakening heart rate recovery.  Of course I will also tell you that babies are brought into this world by courageous women, not vagina, and that is all that matters. 

But it didn’t matter then. I was ashamed, disappointed, in pain, lost and felt too embarrassed to even voice these feelings. 

It was the third night in the hospital, post-delivery, when I broke down in the middle of the night, sobbing to my husband. Through hot, tired tears I told him I felt like I was responsible for our son having a traumatic entrance into this world, that my lack of ability was the reason he’s choking on mucous (common for c-section babies), that I’m so confused why I don’t love our son like he does, that I’m in so much pain, and that my body has failed me.

For months after delivery, I would feel like a failure and like there was something I could have done to change the outcome. I would feel like my body was a dud and wrestle with the idea that if it were 100 years ago, there were wouldn’t have been this modern technology to help me bring my son safely into this world. I would feel like my son lost those first moments with his mother, because I was in recovery for hours, and that I wasn’t ‘in love’ with him enough due to this. 

People asked lots about baby, rarely his birth, but never about the c-section. I quickly learned people operate under the assumption that all moms have a natural delivery. I felt so alone in my recovery. I had friends and family who had natural deliveries, some even joking about ‘sneezing’ out their baby and not requiring any stitches. Naturally, I wanted to punch them in the teeth, but they just would never get it. Our birth canals were living on opposite sides of the track. 

I can remember googling ‘c-section ashamed’ and finding nothing, which made me feel even more humiliated for having these feelings. I wrote letters to a few close friends on what was going on and one of them encouraged me to make it public, which would be the beginning of my blogging life, to share that story with any mom who felt the same.

It is one thing for the mom to feel all of these feelings. Moms feel lots of undesirable and ‘irrational’ emotions following delivery. It is another thing to feel like they needed to be swept under the rug when company came over to hold my adorable new baby. After opening up a few times about the disappointment I felt, I was promptly escorted back to neutral ground with an “Oh, all that matters is that baby is here and healthy,” which left me feeling wedged in the middle of a guilt sandwich. Of course, those people are correct; after all, you have your healthy child and some births end tragically. Feeling upset over a c-section pales in comparison to the pain some parents endure, we can’t underestimate that.  But we can still talk about our experiences and how they have shaped us. Mothers are born too. 

And I’m so much more of a mom than those early, lost, shaky days of motherhood. Four years and three kids in, I can tell you that it matters a lot less because it is replaced by things that matter so much more.