How’re you holding out in this massive shitstorm?
It’s been over a month of quarantine over here, and boy oh boy, has it been fun to see peoples’ other personalities shine.
You know, their pandemic personality. We all have one. And we can all admit– it’s not pretty.
It should really be a life skill course in high school: how not to act in case of a pandemic. First lesson: don’t be a political asshole who hoards the Charmin and oh yeah– can you stay the hell home?
I get it. Stressful times. We all have our quirks. Let’s call them quirks and leave it at that.
After over a month of no social life, being stuck home with my kids and walking my dog four times a day, I needed a new hobby. So I began to categorize pandemic mom types. Hence this post.
It’s all for fun, relax. And to be a good sport about it, I have myself included in here.
So what are you waiting for– which type of pandemic mom are you?
The Four Types of Pandemic Moms…Which One Are You?
Lysol Queen. Toilet paper hoarder. Hand sanitizer bitch. Stock of frozen pizzas in the deep freezer and enough canned goods to feed the family for 6 months in case things “get worse.” Has her mission-essential husband strip naked outside before coming indoors. Floods her Facebook feed with constant updates and news reports. Everyone has her muted, she just doesn’t know it. The UPS guy hates her– this is her fourth delivery this week. Has all 3 kids on a functioning home-school schedule and swears to God she doesn’t know what she did to deserve this punishment. Double-fists the vino come 8PM then passes out on the couch with Good Girls on in the background. Her husband leaves her there.
Purell, wine and a colorful vocabulary will help her survive this.
Health freak. Believes elderberry syrup, essential oils and kale cure all. Makes her own hand sanitizer and uses reusable toilet paper. Posts DIY recipes for gluten-free, nut-free, flour-free-all-organic desserts that truthfully taste like bark but she clings to because chocolate makes her fat. Her Facebook feed is nothing but positive affirmations and perfect daily documentations–she is loving all this time home with her only child, Bear.
Double-fists the apple-cider vinegar shots before reflecting on her day with a meditation sesh and detox bath. She knows her family will be fine because they eat to thrive.
Does not believe in all the hype. It’s all a conspiracy and will tell anyone who will listen to her. Or her Facebook feed, anyway. Trump will help us through– after all, this is a ploy to not get him re-elected. Didn’t hoard anything because she has enough guns and ammo that will help pick out the weaklings. Full-blown anxiety attack at the mention of home-school, but her home workout regimen has been keeping her level– she will post about it on her live feed, so don’t miss out on it. Knows that God will take care of her family with a little side of thoughts and prayers. And Trump.
Chugs a protein shake in the morning and a low-carb wine at night. Feels confident that this will all blow over soon because she’s not sure how long she can last without a real gym.
Stuck between this is really scary to I just don’t want to die. Recycles between the same 4 yoga pants in a week. Constantly cursing at her kids and pretty sure her neighbors think she’s psycho (it’s okay, she doesn’t care.) Down to the last roll of toilet paper and just Amazon Prime’d more. Knows she is fucking up her kids’ education (the HELL invented common core math??) Hides on the toilet eating a Snickers bar. Stopped talking to her friends because they’re all obsessed over this shit and she just wants to talk about Tiger King. Loves her kids at a safe distance but really wonders why they’re so obsessed with her. Has three new hobbies. Seriously debating if it’s an allergy flare-up or if she should call the CDC.
Gets by with large amounts of coffee and weed. Wonders why everyone won’t stay the fuck home.
Hope that found you in a good place. Unless you’re a Karen then you’re probably still pissed off. And I’m sorry for that. Get together with Beth and y’all can go blow shit up in the forest. Invite Sue Ann so she can collect the casings for a fun DIY bullet-wreath. But leave Ruthie the hell alone. You can Zoom her though because chances are high that her kids are fucking with her. Don’t expect her to have a bra on.