Well hiiii everyone! Look at this turnout. I am just pleased as punch to see all of you here tonight for our first meeting of 2018-19.

In case we haven’t met – and please do come up and introduce yourself after the meeting, don’t be shy – my name is Lainey North and I am president of the Parent Teacher Association. I’ve been involved in the PTA ever since, gosh, right around the time we set up metal detectors in the lobby, I think. My youngest started right about when the school implemented armed intruder drills. My goodness, it feels like just yesterday.

Anyhoo, enough with the reminiscing. We’ve got a busy agenda tonight, so I’ll get right to it.

First, a couple of housekeeping items. You should have received a note about bulletproof hoodies for our children. Munitions for Munchkins is an awesome company that is helping us get every child fitted properly. Yes, you can applaud, go ahead! I’m going to bug you about getting your forms back to school ASAP, because, well, you never know when the next shooting will happen, right?

Flu shots! Mrs. Beck, our school nurse, will be scheduling kids starting next month, and it’s not too soon to think about getting your kids inoculated. Her office is sunny and filled with colorful posters and stuffed animals, so the kids really feel comfortable. If she’s not too busy, she even lets them hold her pistol. Pretty sure it’s unloaded, but I’ll double check on that for sure.
Field trips! We need parent chaperones. First graders will be going to the zoo next month, second graders to the fire station. We’re assigning one sharpshooter teacher per vehicle, so rest assured your child’s safety is our top priority. Buses will leave at 10 and return by noon. Sign up if you can join us, please.

How about a shout out to the third-grade parents for the awesome refreshments tonight! If you haven’t tried the chocolate chip brownies yet, well, you can start your diet tomorrow. If I eat just one more, just shoot me. Not literally, haha!

Now, I have a special person to introduce to you. Mrs. Wallace, will you please come forward?

Mrs. Wallace is relatively new to our school. She teaches fifth grade and is one of our newly trained automatic weapon shooters! Let’s put our hands together and show her some love! Mrs. Wallace has confided in me that she is nervous AF so please everyone, stop by her classroom sometime to say hello and give her a hug. Just don’t sneak up on her from behind, haha! She is in Room 8 which has the NRA decal on the door, so you can’t miss it.

Finally, before we break for Q&A, a word about the building redesign that took place over the summer. We’ve cut back the size of the classrooms to enlarge the closets, so that when there is a maniac on the loose we can fit up to 50 kids in each closet. Fantastic, right? Also, each coatroom area has been retro-fitted to store an automatic weapon. Oh my, of course it will be in a locked cabinet and there is no way the kids can get in it. Due to the shortage of coat hooks, please send your child to school in outerwear if absolutely necessary. Please be considerate.

Oh, and don’t forget to try the yummy brownies. They are to die for. Figuratively speaking, of course!

Helene Cohen Bludman is a freelance writer and blogger at Books is Wonderful. She adores her family, especially when they leave her alone. She swears that laughter works better than anti-depressants.

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  1. Too funny except their is a grain of sad truth in all of it. I never imagined that we would one day even consider the sobering thought of arming teachers for safety. This post made me laugh and think….satire at is its best.

  2. Adrian Thomas

    I found this full of cliches and trite stereotypes. Neither funny nor very clever.

  3. Gail Lowe

    Something about myopic suburban women commenting on issues that never impact them. A touch of condescension here. There are responsible gun owners, some of us who may be single moms and don’t live in the wealthiest parts of town. I can’t afford a security system for my home or to live in a gated community. I would never walk around carrying a gun but home alone with two little ones, I have done the responsible thing – taken a firing course and keep the gun locked up in my bedroom, just in case.

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