I love doing yoga. It is really the only group class I will do at the gym. The others are full of loud club music and too much yelling about being pumped. Yoga is a quiet relaxing class. Well, it is SUPPOSED to be relaxing, but as my fellow anxiety sufferers know, NOTHING is relaxing when your brain is constantly bullying you. I’m supposed to be focusing on my breathing and relaxing into stretches. Instead, I’m fielding a never-ending string of disruptive thoughts. Here they are in no particular order.
Quiet the mind? I can never quiet my mind. OMG! I’m doing yoga wrong.
I wonder if I can catch a virus from this strap or the blocks. I should just buy my own so I don’t need to touch other people’s germs.
I don’t want to put my feet or hands off my mat onto the floor. People walk with shoes on the floor. There are a lot of germs on shoes.
I should probably clean this mat with Lysol.
I should clean my hands and feet with Lysol, too.
I could get athlete’s foot.
They I would have scaly alligator feet.
Why didn’t Disney have fences and alligator signs? That poor little boy.
Why didn’t all of these know-it-all parents say something to them that night? A simple “Hey, there might be gators in there” could have saved him.
I wonder if prices at the Grand Floridian will go down. $600 a night to have a gator snatch your kid is a bit ridiculous.
My stomach hurts.
Man, I have no core strength at all. I have GOT to do more planks at home.
I should have had coffee before coming here. I just want to get to savasana already.
I can barely hear her. Are my hearing aids working? What if I’m in the wrong pose?
If I’m in the wrong pose, she will correct me. I hate it when yoga teachers touch me. I jump.
Seriously, another downward dog? I think I’m going to barf. I knew I should not have eaten before coming here.
What if I have to fart?
And it’s a really smelly fart, like a hardboiled egg fart?
Oh no. Did I eat eggs today?
What if I have to poop?
Do I just grab my mat and run out of the room?
If I brought my yoga mat into the bathroom here I would have to set it on fire to get rid of the invisible urine and fecal germs.
Why didn’t I leave my socks on? I will probably catch athlete’s foot for sure.
I hate the big mirror. I look like an oompa loompa.
Why are my arms so freckled?
I think I need to wear more sunscreen.
What if I get skin cancer?
Maybe I should just use spray tan.
But then I might turn orange.
I hope Donald Trump does not win.
I swear it will be World War Three if he wins.
He’s like a Nazi.
Who are these monkeys who are actually voting for him?
Did they not take history in school?
Our education system has gone downhill.
Oh my God; she is grabbing me and moving my hips around. I feel violated.
I will have to remember to do this right next time. I’m not doing yoga right.
How can anyone relax with all of these thoughts? Maybe I should have a drink before yoga class. How about you guys? Anyone out there who takes yoga without letting your mind wander into darkness? Leave me a comment. Let’s wave our crazy flags.
(This post originally ran on The Huffington Post.)
About the author: Lisa R. Petty is a former stand-up comedian who decided she would rather just write funny stuff than deal with drunk people touching her after shows. When she is not cracking inappropriate jokes, Lisa is an online English professor. You can read more of her snarkasm on Petty Thoughts. Lisa recently published Petty Thoughts, a humor anthology based on her blog. Lisa is also the author of Misfit Academy, a YA novel about what happens when those who are bullied fight back. If you like humor and cat pictures, you can follow Lisa on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest.