Dear “Jim”-

I’m having a meeting. Either you are coming or you aren’t. It’s not a trick question. It’s not a “maybe” kind of situation. Just look at the date and time, check your availability, and then let me know either way. None of this “possibly” bullshit.

It’s not Saturday and you’re trying to decide if better plans might come along. That I’d understand. I’ve been there too, man. I’m not attending Judy’s soft gallery opening unless every single person I’ve ever met is busy. But this project is due on Friday and you got assigned to the project team. So unless you want me to publically call you out on the fact that you’ve done fuck all to help out, you gotta show up for this meeting.

If I were running the show, you wouldn’t be on the team at all. You’re the guy who, when you finally do show up, says shit like, “let’s give this thing 110%.” You know it’s physically impossible to give more than 100%, right? One hundred percent is the most you can give. That’s it. The whole enchilada. Even if you gave 50% yesterday and 60% today, you still didn’t give 110%. It’s not incremental.

I would have more respect for you if you accepted the meeting, no showed, then sat just outside the meeting room with your thumb up your ass. At least you’d be off the fence.

You’re probably the guy during the election season who said “I’m fiscally conservative and socially liberal”. Christ. You know you can’t have it BOTH FUCKING WAYS. You can’t be socially liberal and then have dinosaur arms when it comes to actually helping the cause. Saying you are socially liberal is not a tag line you get to use to make yourself feel better. It doesn’t work like that. Have you ever heard anyone say they are fiscally liberal? I didn’t think so.

Now go back to your desk, take one more look at your calendar, and let me know if you think you might grace us with your presence today at 3pm in conference room 6. If not, I’ll spend the next hour unproductively sending out other possible options since you block your calendar from public view. For what it’s worth, the entire project team knows you jerk off in your office. You may block your calendar but we routinely have lunch with Ted from technology support. You’d be wise to spend as much time erasing porn from your search history as you do responding tentative to meeting invites.

Yours truly-

The Project Team

Julie Scagell

Julie has a Masters degree in Psychology, which has proved useless in trying to understand her teenaged daughter. She has the attention span of a gnat, zero sense of direction and loses at least 3 things every day. Except for a minor situation at a county fair, her children are not on the short list of items she’s lost. She is extremely proud of this. You can find her writing on Facebook or Twitter. She has been published on the Washington Post, Babble, McSweeney’s, Scary Mommy, and Huffington Post, among others.

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