I’m convinced once you’ve decided you’re done pumping out kids, your asshole uterus sends secret coded messages to your brain about coming out of retirement when you’re least expecting it. Every time I think I’m solid in my decision about derailing this baby train, I find myself in situations badgering my husband to death to reconsider. These spells may only last a few minutes, but they come on strong and hard. I turn into a complete lunatic and go from zero to sixty in a matter of seconds – desperate for just one more of those little nuggets.
Over the past few months I’ve pinpointed some activities that are sure to send your womb head-on into a baby shit-storm. If you’re adamant about not expanding your family and don’t want to succumb to baby fever; stay the hell away from all of the following:
Visiting friends with newborns. Even when you see the parents with blood-shot eyes and looking like they just stepped off the set of The Walking Dead, all you really see is a tiny angelic baby that clearly has you under its spell. Then if you hold it, it’s over – you will get you sperminated immediately. Their smell is intoxicating and literally addicting; there’s studies to prove it. That smell will haunt you in your dreams for weeks. Moral of the story: newborn babies are like crack – and crack is whack.
Going through old baby clothes. When you’re feeling like you want another baby, this is not the time to go through old baby clothes for donation. Every little onesie and tiny sock will have you mauling your husband to fill it with another little body. Wait until it’s Spring-cleaning time, or when you’re so over the plethora of baby shit taking over your house to go through baby clothes. This is when you‘ll gladly want to get rid of them.
Going to any baby store. I swear they pump that “newborn crack smell” from the air vents to send your baby-maker straight into a tailspin. You might even hear voices in your head singing lullabies like I do. True story. Also, every corner you turn there are displays of ridiculously cute little baby outfits, and awesome new bedazzled baby gear that you start picturing another baby in. These places are deadly. Phone your sponsor next time you feel the need to visit one of these places.
Look through old baby photos. It’s true; the time does go by so fast and when the baby stage is over – you want to go back! When you look at pictures that only reflect the good times, you quickly forget all the moments of insanity. You sure as hell weren’t taking pictures of you putting the milk in the pantry instead of the refrigerator, of your hair falling out from postpartum, or of your legs after not being able to shower long enough to shave for months at a time. Keep all the “perfect moment” photos locked up in a safe place until your hormones can handle seeing them again.
Watch Pampers or Huggies commercials. WTF! Talk about water works! Each time I see that little sleeping baby in a crib, I want to jump through the television and kidnap it! Even my toddler mentions he wants another sibling when he sees those damn things! When these commercials come on, change the channel immediately, or you’ll attack your husband in his sleep out of pure desperation.
I’m not sure why our brains quickly forget about the never-ending expenses, the perpetual sleep deprivation, and the constant worrying in these moments of weakness. It must be our lunatic mom hormones. In the meantime, all we can do is avoid these activities at all cost and send our baby-makers to rehab by spending time with toddlers. Remember, babies grow into toddlers – and that should be more than enough to curb your baby fever.
Holly resides in the great city of Chicago with her husband and two sons. She spent over 10 years in Sales, Marketing, Communications and the Luxury Hotel Industry. She is now a professional writer and the Co-Founder of Mother’s Guide To Sanity, a humor blog where she shares stories about raising two rambunctious toddlers, all while trying to manage a career. She is a contributing writer for The Huffington Post, Dot Complicated, TODAY Parenting Team and Scary Mommy. You can also find her essays published in several anthologies, too! Follow her random thoughts on Facebook & Twitter – but no judging.