In the world of fake news, I am happy to report some real-life news that you can take to the bank.

The Earth is flat.

Put your troll type away for now and listen to my reasoning because it is based on science and other stuff and celebrities too including one of the guys from The Bachelorette.

  1. Have you ever seen the ball of a world with your own eyes? No. That’s because there is a dome around the surface of the earth so that you can’t get far enough away to take a selfie.
  2. No country will colonize Antarctica because it is the outer edge. Fifty countries actually signed a treaty or something about it so that no one would see the edge. Also, the edge is cold, so nobody wants to fucking go there saving us from hitting the dome. It’s like super well planned out and stuff. Almost like a make-believe world would be but in real life. The good news is that global warming is a crock of shit too, so we will never see the other side of the ice. Some say there is another society on the other side, but that is ridiculous.
  3. God made the Earth and he likes flat stuff. It is proven He likes flat chested women more than the big-round-boobers or all the porn stars wouldn’t be in Hell.
  4. If we were revolving at a million gazillion miles per hour, how do we not fly off or get motion sickness, like a lot? You say gravity; I say gravity is not really gravity it is just density which is super not the same and way sciencier. What about mosquitos? Do they have to fly at a million gazillion miles per hour to bite us even though they are very tiny and don’t have massive muscles? You feel the fool now, don’t you? It’s okay. That’s how I felt once too.
  5. It is crazy healthy to challenge stuff that we think we know to be true like Bill Cosby is a swell guy was probably a good idea the challenge. We should always ask questions except when it is a fact like the flat Earth.
  6. Do you ever wonder why you feel kind of icky after a flight? That is because you are always turning right to go around the flat Earth so we don’t by accident see the north pole in the middle and make NASA sad that we ruined their secret.
  7. Some people claim that the Earth has a curvature, but that is just because your eyes are curved. Don’t be a dumbass because your eyes are curved too, and that’s a fact.
  8. Because Kyrie Irving, B.o.B, and Shaquille O’Neal are super smart thinkers and they told me on Twitter that the Earth is flat. Twitter wouldn’t put fake news on their site.

Kristine Laco
Author

Kristine Laco shares the stories we all have with a splash of sarcasm, a pinch of bitch and a ton of wine at Adulting In Progress dot com. Her middle finger is her favourite and she lives by the motto that if you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them. She takes selfies at the gyno. Taco Tuesday is her gospel. Reality TV is real folks. She is making turning 50 a job because she doesn't have one.

1 Comment

  1. Alex Kravchuk

    The feeling of motion is caused by acceleration, not movement. Ever driven a car? Notice you only feel being pulled back when you accelerate, but not when you stay at the same speed?

    You feel “icky” after a flight because of jet lag, and motion sickness.

    I’ll admit, when you’re at sea level, and look at the ocean, it looks flat. But if you’ve ever hiked an even remotely large mountain, and looked at the ocean, you’d see a curve. Does the curvature of your eyes only make a difference if you’re high up? I don’t think so.

    Kyrie Irving is a basketball player, B.o.B is a rapper, and Shaq also was a basketball player. Are you seriously taking physics advise from these guys? Sounds like confirmation bias to me. If a farmer came up to you and told you the earth was a globe, would you believe them?

    Here are some points of why the Earth ISN’T flat.

    1. The sun is not magical. The sun cannot just magically move around in a perfect circle on top of the Earth, with the globe Earth model, it makes sense why things move the way they move, they move exactly like how the law of gravity says they would. Also, balls of fire don’t have lampshades, you would be able to see the sun anywhere on a flat Earth.

    2. Seasons would be impossible on a flat Earth. Of course you could say the earth’s rotations above the earth just magically get smaller and smaller to make the seasons, but with that explanation, Alaska would be in a constant state of day time for half a year, and Australia in a constant state of night

    3. Length is completely off on a flat Earth model. According to flat Earth map, Australia is over 2x the size of what it is in real life, and the same with everything down south. The reason why this definitely cannot be the truth is because a flight from Sydney to South Africa would be completely impossible, with the planes they use there, they would run out of fuel before the would reach their destination, even without the ridiculous curve you claim they go in. The planes would have to stop in India to get their fuel changed. That does not happen.

    Partial point: Why do flat Earthers always blame NASA on everything? What about the Russian space agency, or the Chinese one, or the many others? Have they all seriously existed since Greek times brainwashing everyone to sell more model globes??? And why would they do it anyway? They would have spent quadrillions of dollars by now, just to sell a few model globes or what?

Pin It