We’ve all seen them. We all have them. The moment the Loom Bands enthralled our young ones and became a Justin Bieber-like sensation, our lives were forever changed.

1. My Vacuum: I decided we needed the creme de la creme of vacuums for the rare occasion I decide to use one. I couldn’t afford to purchase said vacuum, so I put it on a payment plan that allowed me to take it home, only to pay it off for the next two years. (Genius, I know.) I am about 6 payments in and about 18 away from the last payment.  Imagine my horror when that perfect, white beauty of a machine sucked up a Big Foot’s sized handful of Loom Bands. At first I couldn’t decide what made me angrier: the Loom Bands, my choice to buy a ridiculously priced vacuum, or my area rug with shag deeper than the weeds in my backyard. The rug hides everything in its beautiful tan strands which is great….except when it’s hiding five-fucking-thousand Loom Bands and I decide to do my annual vacuuming.

2. Mistaken Spiders/Animals/Zombies trying to kill me. I have woken up mid-sleep, certain a zombie was on the brink of gnawing off my foot when in reality, a purple Loom Band was stuck around my toe. Does my daughter ‘Loom Band’ in my bed? NO! How did it/they/those demons get there? I am still pondering that one…

3. My Dogs: If my dogs wore braces and needed rubber bands, we would be set. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve caught the dogs sniffing at the rubber loom bands to only walk away with one, two, three, or nineteen of them stuck to their black, wet nose. The Loom Bands are even fucking with my dogs.

4. The Add-Ons: $20.00 seemed harmless enough to spend on a toy that ended up being absolutely in-fucking-possible to do. Have you read the instructions that come with that beast of a kit? Yeah, they may as well be written in Tagalog. So, what is a mom with a kid cracked out on ‘Loom Band Madness’ to do? Oh, not to worry! There’s a book you can buy for an additional $14.95! Back to Michael’s we go…after watching a YouTube tutorial made by some nine-year-old who I’m certain is on jacked up on speed. There is absolutely no humanly way possible to assemble a bracelet that fast. It’s like watching Ping-Pong Olympics on fast-forward.

5. Loom Band Wardrobe. Yes, you’ve read that correctly. After we mastered the ‘single strand loom band bracelet’ (A.K.A the easiest bracelet to create) that resulted in 19 different attempts and 12 consecutive hours of construction, our child finds out that you can actually assemble Loom Band Purses, Loom Band wallets, Loom Band pants, and who fucking knows, you could probably make a Loom Band House. 

6. Heads of Hair. I’ve had to cut out at least nine loom bands from my daughter’s hair when her creativity got the best of her and she decided to Loom Band her own head. A Loom Band does not a hair tie make. Sadly, she’s learned this the hard way and is reminded of that each morning when we style her wildly unevenly cut mane.

7. The Drain/ALL Drains: I have found Loom Bands lurking in both bathtubs of our home. No, my daughter does not Loom Band in the bathtub. Actually, who knows, that one could possibly be happening.

8. Washer & Dryer: My lint trap is no longer holding any actual lint. It holds primarily gum wrappers my daughter leaves in her pocket (she is not allowed to have gum) and as imagined, Loom Bands. There is nothing like the smell of wintergreen and burning rubber permeating from your freshly cleaned clothes.

I have found these little fuckers in every single crevice of my home and I feel as though there’s a Loom Band monster that secretly sneaks out at night and tries to mess with me by sprinkling these rubber assholes all over my home. They are in the dishwasher, the car, the tub, the office, and most likely in places I’d never even think to look. I wouldn’t be surprised if my printer spat a Loom Band at me or if my Keurig coffee maker started pouring out Loom Bands in place of my morning Joe.

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Crazy Life of Smash! is written by Ashley Alteman. She is known for her love of dinosaurs, miniature ponies wearing sweaters, and her overuse of commas. She won a spelling bee in the 8th grade for correctly spelling the word ‘carrot’ and knew from that moment forward she was destined to be an amazing journalist…or a sarcastic blogger. She went with the latter. You can find her at www.smashleyashley.com and at www.sayitwithabang.com.


Ashley Alteman is known for her love of dinosaurs, ponies wearing sweaters, and overuse of commas. She is an editor’s nightmare. She won a spelling bee in the 8th grade for correctly spelling “carrot” and knew from that moment she was destined to be an amazing journalist, or a sarcastic blogger; she went with the latter. Ashley details her laugh-out-loud parenting and personal fails at SmashleyAshley.com. You can also find this hot mess fumbling around on Facebook


  1. Haha! Great post Ashley. This loom craze has come & gone at our house yet the bands seem to live on! Nobody is making bracelets anymore so why are the little mofos still in my life? On the floor, in their pockets, being used as mini sling shots…
    It never ends.

    • Oh Shannon, I am so envious. Lately, the loom bands have been used to style Barbie’s hair…which has resulted in my daughter cutting barbie’s hair to get them ‘out’. I found strands of platinum blonde hair all over the floor of her room two days ago. I’ve also found them under MY BED. I have come to recognize that those little effers will never leave. They are similar to certain house guests you can never get to vacate your home…

  2. We now have a graveyard of rainbow loom bracelets in our house. Thousands of bands made into bracelets that nobody want to wear anymore. My kids are all about duct tape creations these days, which means pieces of tape stuck to the carpets and walls.

    • Ohhhh wow—I bought the entire Alex Duct Tape ‘Make Your Own Whatever’ kit for my daughter for Xmas!! AHHH!!! I should have a new post within a few days…’How My Daughter Duct Taped the Dog to the Wall’ lol

  3. I have to admit, I did not know what a loom band was until I read this (I have boys) and I’m a little traumatized. Leggos are a pain in the butt, but they don’t wrap themselves around your toes at night.

  4. Ok, I find those little shits everywhere. And my son, yes, son, wears like 23 bracelets, mostly just the plain plastic ones, like Livestrong, No Bullying, whatever, but he has some loom ones. What did his older brother get him for Christmas? A Rainbow loom kit. Fuck me. I’m sure one of my cats is doomed to swallow at least on of those in the next week. Stay tuned for that blog post.

    • Give it a week or so and you can include in the post how you had to watch 74 YouTube video tutorials and how you purchased a new vacuum. Hey, there might be some good after xmas sales LOL. God speed to the cat.

  5. You said rubber assholes! Hehe.
    Well, I have to say that I hate these rubber bastards as well. We bought the kits last year for the airplane ride to FL (4 hrs) for our 4 and 5 year old, and son of a bitch, wouldn’t you know it. Of the 4 adults that were on this adventure, none of us could figure out how the fuck to do it. After purchasing in flight Wi-Fi, we watched said speed jacked 9 year old and finally made ourselves some beautiful rubber bracelets. It was fucking magical.

    • I bet you could have made an actual loom band airplane with that nightmare-of-a-kit. The fact that you purchased in-flight wifi to make the kit makes me fall out of my chair laughing. WOW. THAT is dedication. And, as you said, fucking magical!

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