“But why won’t you get a job?” my eldest daughter asked me yesterday. We were cleaning and she was refusing to put her toys away. Instead of yelling, I calmly explained that daddy likes coming home to a tidy house after a whole day at work and that I need her help to make it happen.
“He works really hard to earn money for the food and the nice things we have.” I told her. But deep down, I couldn’t believe I was actually having this conversation. My own discussions with my mother about this topic couldn’t have been more different.
After all, she is (notice the present tense) the primary breadwinner in my family. She is the one to show me that mothers can have it all, and more. She loves her job and is brilliant at it. I never felt she loved me any less for it, though. On the contrary, she has always been my biggest supporter. I am very proud of her. Before I had kids, I imagined that I would find a job first, then start a family and go back to work after giving birth. All that didn’t happen.
Instead, I am a stay-a t-home mother to three little human beings.
“Mom, why don’t you have a job?” my eldest daughter asked me. It’s an excellent question. I just read two blog posts, presenting two different viewpoints on this topic. Because I don’t want to get sucked into the whole mommy wars drama, I’ll just say that both the working mother and the SAHM seem perfectly happy with the decisions they’ve made. Me? I’m not so sure. My daughter is very smart and maybe she feels my ambivalence about the whole situation. Maybe she sees I am not entirely satisfied with my decision to stay at home.
My choice not to work was the direct result of several international moves and having three children very close in age. Moving can be detrimental to your career and then you have to start from scratch every time a child is born.
Only now, with two kids at school and the toddler in a part-time daycare, am I able to give my situation some more thought.
Why won’t I get a job? Good question. Because my husband works long hours at the office and comes back home exhausted? Or maybe it’s because I’m already struggling with raising my three children and working on top of that would most likely be even harder on me? I don’t know. It’s all of these things and it’s none of this things.
But do I want a job? Yes, I do. I’ve realized that working is important to me; I’m just not sure how to make it happen. I do however, have my little blog and want to turn it into something bigger. Besides, as my daughter reminds me, I already have accomplishments I can be extremely proud of. For example, I translated a children’s book into German, among other things. When it arrived in the mail, my daughter’s eyes started to shine. She said, “I’m so happy for you! Now so many more children will be able to read this book!” And then she proudly took a copy to school.
Yes, I want a job I can love and the personal fulfillment that comes with it. It probably won’t be in an office. Because of our situation, I’ll most likely work from home, but I will make it happen. I will do it for me but also for my children. Maybe I won’t be perfectly satisfied with devoting all my time and energy to raising my children, but at least I can be a role model in my own right: by doing what I love and being proud of my accomplishments.
At first, my daughter’s innocent question stung a little. After all, no matter what you do, they will still criticize you for it. But this smart little girl never fails to say the right thing at the right time, even when it hurts.
I don’t have a job now, but I will. After all, my daughter wants me to and I would hate to disappoint her.
3 Comments
Have you considered freelancing? It’s not “easy” by any means, but it’s allowed me to support my teens post-divorce, and still be home to play taxi and referee. For us, it’s been the best of both worlds. 🙂
Yes, but getting more paid gigs is hard and takes some time. So I’m trying and trying! Sometimes I tell her I have to work and she understands that. I think she asked why does daddy work outside of the home while I do not. Yes, freelancing is the obvious solution but it takes a while to get there.
I think this is a very common thought among ambivalent SAHMs. I’ve struggled with wanting to work ever since having kids. Like you, travel and a demanding job for my husband have made things harder. For me, it is about redefining what constitutes work. I used to think I needed a dream job to be fulfilled, but now I just think I need a way to use my brain. Hopefully, life will provide a decent enough stipend for that goal:)