Wow, I didn’t recognize you when we first opened the door.  Hey, thanks for bringing your cleavage by to trick or treat at my house. Are you keeping the candy down in there? Oh, ok, I see the bright orange bag your child is holding. Almost forgot about the little one with all that black vinyl stretched over your breasts distracting me. Are you a super hero? A vampire or what? I just see black shiny ultra tight fabric and a cape. It’s all kind of confusing.

You can only get away with that shimmering, latex get-up until your child is old enough to be mortified. So, I guess you gotta flaunt it while you can.

And you are working it, mama. I’m going way out on a limb here to say you probably haven’t already eaten a pound or thirty of candy. I’m thinking you also don’t hide snack-sized Snickers wrappers in your bathrobe pocket. (I have heard people do that) Well, here’s an FYI. If you’re not careful, the wrappers crinkle when you are picking up laundry in the kids’ rooms and they will bust you. I mean, in case you ever need that tip.

I’m just curious, you know for reference, did you go to Party City and accidentally wander down the vixen aisle? Or a real costume shop; stopping short of actually asking for a whip to complete your look? It’s just so darn festive!

Kind of like this t-shirt I’m wearing. I had to pick from three styles at Target and it was overwhelming. I was pretty happy with my final choice but now I see my peeling and faded pumpkin applique pales in comparison to your sparkly metal accessories. Are those handcuffs?

The little extras really make the holiday, don’t you think? You missed the glow-in-the-dark headband with skeleton antennae I had on earlier. I grabbed it from one of the goody bags they gave out at the class party. It was cool, you should get one.

The things we do for our kids, right? Like it must have taken you forever to lace up your corset so tightly. Looks like some flesh might have escaped but I’m sure you were hurried and anxious to walk the streets. Err, I mean, get started on trick or treating.

Where are my manners? This is my husband. He’s in charge of the candy bowl. I’m not sure why he’s so quiet. Normally, he’s very chatty.

Honey, are you all right?  Sweetie, give this little girl some candy. No, moron, the little girl. Look down, yes there. See the tiny trick or treater?

Speaking of down, I just noticed your boots. Wow, you don’t see heels like that much in the suburbs. I suppose Ugg slippers like mine wouldn’t really work with your whole look.

Alrighty then. One look at your bodice tells me you’ve caught a chill while standing here chatting so I’ll let you move on. Don’t slut slip on the leaves as you head down the stairs.

Ok, buh bye.

*Slams door, dives into bowl of candy and rips open a Milky Way.*


Maureen lives outside Washington DC with her husband, 3 boys and her dog, the only one who really understands her. She shamelessly exploits the chaos of her everyday life for enjoyment and profit. She loves 80's music, Miller Lite and reality TV. She is rarely without a koozie in case someone is kind enough to offer a beverage. Maureen can be found blogging at Montgomery Community Media, in her column for the Town Courier Newspapers as well as online at Scary Mommy, the Mid and more.

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