To everyone living outside of North America, Canada and the USA are more or less the same country. To an American and a Canadian, they couldn’t be more different. Recently, two of our authors got into a cross-border discussion and decided to explore some of the bigger topics from American and Canadian viewpoints. What follows is an interview with questions from Canadian Magnolia Ripkin and answers from American Sarah Gilbert.
Canuck: Why is it that you Americans don’t seem to like your own President? We think Obama is awesome, and have often tried to trade our Prime Minister for him.
Yank: We never like the person in charge. It doesn’t matter who it is, we just don’t like to be bossed around, because freedom. This is why we like Hollywood Stars. They don’t tell us what to do by making laws and implementing social programs. They just set good examples, such as walking on red carpets, partying in Las Vegas and flying around in jet boots in Ibiza. We would follow them anywhere. But as soon as they are elected to office, we punish them for not controlling the economy. Or we try to assassinate them.
Canuck: How are Honey Boo Boo and the Duggars a thing?
Yank: Both of these shows, as you likely already know, are documentaries on The Learning Channel. I am a big proponent of education, especially free education, so I watch both of these shows regularly. People think Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is entertainment, but it’s really a hard lesson in learning a foreign language. 19 Kids and Counting is a great show to watch if you are interested in learning about health and safety. I recently enjoyed an episode that outlined some rules about dating: Do not so much as hold hands or kiss before you are married. This is a great way to avoid spreading diseases. If you have any other questions about sexuality, be sure to ask Mr. Duggar. He seems very comfortable with this topic.
Canuck: What the fuck is up with the Tea Party?
Yank: Your guess is as good as mine. You are the tea experts. As far as I can tell, these people have never enjoyed a civilized cup of tea, and they probably couldn’t tell an English Breakfast from an Orange Pekoe. I hope they don’t try to figure this out themselves, because it would inevitably cause them to take sides and stage multiple protests on the Fox “News” channel.
Canuck: Why do you take our best hockey players?
1) The American dollar
3) The internet
4) 24-hour everything
5) Sports channels
6) The extra color in our flag, plus stars!
7) Tater tots
Canuck: You know everybody is kind of waiting for you to open up a can of whoop-ass on misbehaving despots in the world. Which one will be first, and can we bring Timbits and Coffee for you?
Yank: Good question. I have no idea, because I’m an American, which means I am wholly ignorant about foreign policy. Support the Troops!
Canuck: We have free and easily accessible birth control and abortions, and nobody gets too freaked out about it. What is your problem?
Yank: If we allowed easy access to birth control and abortions, how could we grow a good supply of people to shoot in our high schools and execute on death row?
Canuck: We love Trader Joe’s and Nordstrom, but you send us Target?? What is up with that?
Yank: Target is very practical and tasteful, just like Canadians. But it doesn’t have a catalogue. We wanted to make sure you got used to buying items from a real department store before we sprung any others on you. We know it can be confusing to go into an expansive warehouse with so many choices that you are allowed to touch, select off the rack and try on. Honestly, we were worried that you would start bringing Sharpies to the stores and circling items you wanted to order just in time for Christmas. We obviously couldn’t bring you Nordstrom, ever, because $300 underwear. And you guys would just ruin Trader Joe’s Two-Buck Chuck wine by taxing it. Eighteen-Buck Chuck just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
Canuck: We really hate it when Americans assume they need skis and a parka to visit us in July. How can we fix the stupid?
Yank: You can’t. We’ve never tried, but it’s more fun this way, don’t you think?
Canuck: Universal health care for all citizens works in Canada. I can go and get haemorrhoids or tumours dealt with for the same price – Nada. What is the big uproar about Obamacare?
Yank: We only like things that are free if it comes as a “free gift” with something that we order on the Shopping Network. Not recognizing this was a crucial error in the Obamacare political strategy. This might have worked better:
Order this set of amazing Ginsu knives, and if you call in the next 15 minutes and dismember yourself, we will send you this health insurance absolutely free. And if you order two sets, we’ll throw in health insurance for your entire family, absolutely free. Order now.
People would have gone crazy for this stuff.
Canuck: Our entire population is the size of California’s, so maybe you could do us a solid and just give us Hawaii?
Yank: Sorry, I can’t. I know Canadians think the American dollar can buy anything, but this doesn’t mean I can buy Hawaii and just give it to you. But if I could, I would, if you promise to do something about the shirts, and as long as you don’t rename the state. Hawaii might be sort of hard to spell and pronounce, but it sounds way better than Nunavut or Iqaluit.
Canuck: Why is Rush Limbaugh not the first dude you bundle into a space suit and ship to Mars – no returnsees?
Yank: We are working on this. But thanks in part to Rush, we have cut funding for NASA, so we have yet to do a manned space mission to Mars. What the hell am I talking about?! He’s not really a man. He’s actually the result of some poorly orchestrated GMO experiment that combined the genetic material of a Howler Monkey, The Dancing Baby and the Y chromosome of a divorce lawyer.
Canuck: We are very sorry for the whole Justin Bieber thing. This isn’t a question, we don’t want him back, but we are Canadian, so we apologize.
Yank: Who? Is that the white Ontario kid, who is pretending to be Hollywood black? That little no-talent scrote is taking pretending-to-be-an-American to the max, yo. Can you please stop sending your “talent” down here to take our money? If you guys will just “Buy Canadian,” we’ll “Buy American,” then everything will be just fine. But we are keeping Michael J. Fox, okay?
In the vein of Learning Channel and History TV, this informative piece is proudly brought to you by Blunt Moms – the truly international alternative to Fox News.
Actually, our writers for this piece are: