Help! I’ve been sucked into the online marketing vortex, and I can’t get out!

I will admit, I am a social media junkie. You’d imagine that has aided in my development of above par social skills, but it’s quite the contrary. I’ve actually become addicted to shopping and stalking people on Twitter. Both of these activities have gotten out of control. I’ve looked at… Justin Bieber’s Twitter. There, I said it. To take my debauchery even further, I’ve even followed the MTV Teen Mom’s Twitter accounts. Oh, and yes, I watch the show too.

Feel free to stop reading. I would.

Still here? Good. So I’ve noticed as of late that Twitter has incorporated my other favorite online friend into my ‘feed’: Amazon.

Although I have no inkling as to what the fuck I’m doing when I’m actually on Twitter, I do see a bunch of shiny things that pop up and grab my easy-to-capture attention. I have an incessant need to check out anything that mentions “Deal of the Day,” “Sale,” “Clearance,” etc. My finger clicks that button like a child in the Empire State Building’s elevator. I can’t help myself. I know I have a problem. I just can’t stop.

As I was scrolling Twitter today in search of a new person to stalk, an Amazon ad popped up for a piece of workout equipment to “tone up your core.” Naturally, seeing the mention “deal of the day,” I immediately clicked over because…well, I’m just sick in the head.

I have been to the gym approximately once in the past decade. I sat at the juice bar and questioned the juicing barista whether or not peanut butter was a substitute over some powdered-protein-shit for my “workout smoothie.” I then proceeded to the hot tub to soak my sore muscles from all that juice-bar chatter.

So, clearly, I really needed that “tone up your core” workout equipment. It would have been foolish to not purchase it.

I do this shit non-stop. The Twitter/Amazon beast got me again last week with a deal entirely too good to pass up: a “deal of the of the day” for an emergency phone charger to keep with you at all times. Again, I had to take advantage of that opportunity. I just had to. You know, just in case I find myself stuck in the wilderness and in immediate need of cell phone battery life.

Similar to the gym, I haven’t been camping in more than a decade, and furthermore, I’ve not been away from a charging port to fuel my addictions in, well, ever. When purchasing my vehicle, I made sure it had a charging outlet inside the trunk… just in case. “Oh, power steering? Awesome, but where is the charging port?”

I thought Google was my best friend, but I’ve realized lately, per my bank statement, that Amazon is my best friend. Twitter is my enabler, and Amazon is my drug–I mean my best friend. He and I are so tight that he sends me about 12 e-mails a day. It’s similar to receiving 12 love letters a day. Not even my husband does that. In fact, I might be leaving my husband for Amazon. Amazon sells inflatable men.

I’ve checked.

To take things up a notch, hopefully the final notch, I’ve signed my husband up for the Amazon credit card. Yes, I have one too, but you see, you only receive a discount when you sign up for a new credit card. It was only logical that we both have Amazon credit cards. I saved 30% on… I can’t remember what. My husband could probably tell you, though. I’m in search of people who’d like me to open up an Amazon credit card in their name so I can save 30% on this gangster coloring book I’ve had my eye on. I promise to pay the bill. Maybe.

I need to adjust my damn sail. I’m going to end up sitting in a home filled to the brim with Amazon Prime boxes, workout equipment, and books I’ll never read… but hey, I’ll have my emergency phone charger to call for help.

If Amazon had Amazon rehab, I’d totally Amazon Prime that.


Ashley Alteman is known for her love of dinosaurs, ponies wearing sweaters, and overuse of commas. She is an editor’s nightmare. She won a spelling bee in the 8th grade for correctly spelling “carrot” and knew from that moment she was destined to be an amazing journalist, or a sarcastic blogger; she went with the latter. Ashley details her laugh-out-loud parenting and personal fails at You can also find this hot mess fumbling around on Facebook


  1. I had to seriously take an amazon break after Christmas two years ago. I went so insane with with toy deal of the days and lightning deals… I was obsessively checking it at work. (and my kids wondered why Santa bought them a shit ton of crap they never asked for… well santa got a VERY good deal on it, duh) Love that site.

  2. Hahahaha, Ashley! I am a Squirrel Master (ADD) and cannot, ever, never, not even once, possibly, even think about anything shiny or glittery so I stay far away from fairy dust sites such as QVC, HSN, Amazon, Buy All the Things You Will Never Need or Use but Must Have because now, and only right this minute, can you save 40% on it! WHAT? Really, when you think about it, you are foolish not to! Add up those savings!!!

    OMG, I used to do the Home Shopping stuff and seriously had a schedule taped to my computer when the things I really had to have were going on Midnight Madness Clearance.

    I can so relate, well, I haven’t gotten Justin Beiber tweet bad yet but if I let myself wander into the Shiny Pop Up Vortex, I would really be just one click away!

    Loved it!

    • hahahaha! Oh Mary— you kill me. I am also an undiagnosed squirrel master! It used to be the infomercials that would get me–I’d stay up til 3AM watching. I bought a CHEESE PLATE. Yes, a cheese plate. AGH. Also, yes, STAY AWAY FROM THE BIEBER MONSER. That was an ultimate low for me….and that is saying A LOT. Twitter takes me to scary places..

  3. Ha! I’m happy to report I don’t usually Amazon unless it’s Christmas and I can’t get enough of those lightning deals as if they’re freshly baked brownies. They’re both that good.

  4. When I had my first born I spent midnight nursing on baby steals. which is the sweet-talking playa that all new moms fall for. What is it about that time ticking and that clearance deal that makes buy things we will never use?!

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