Dr. Deloris Beaverton is a feisty, feminist vagina.
Yes! She’s an actual vagina who happens to have a PhV in Philosophy and a master’s in Vaginology. Born in the early 60s and raised in Dildo, Newfoundland, this suave silver beav hitchhiked her way to Climax, Colorado in the mid-eighties. There she met her longtime partner Long Duck Shlong (of Seventeen Candles’ fame). The couple later relocated to Humptulips, Washington where Beaverton now runs Labia Lamentations, a successful Vagina Well-Being practice. Humptulips locals say that Hilary Cliton sought counsel at the clinic in the early 90s, which bolstered the town and its unique clinic into the limelight.
Dr. Beaverton now coaches clients such as Queen LaQueefa and Glorious Hymen. She utilizes a holistic approach when working with patients and strives to boost confidence through positive self-talk, exposure to essential oils, and the use of simple breathing exercises. She also implements music and art therapy strategies into her sessions and has a particular fondness for the works of Georgia O’Queef.
Dr. Beaverton is guest-posting in the hopes of helping some of her sister vaginas learn to love themselves just. as. they. are.
Dear Dr. Beaverton,
Since birthing my 4 kids, I’ve felt so frumpy. In a bid to regain my former zest for life, I decided to book myself in for a Full-Brazilian. I’d hoped to feel sleek and sexy afterwards. But, instead, I was horrified; I felt so exposed and wrinkly. On top of that, I hadn’t realized just how prominent my trout-pout was, until now! I’m wondering if I need to sign up for a Vaginoplasty or if maybe a Vagacial would help. I hear they are pretty rejuvenating and I could really use a boost. Please help me! I feel like a battered, old Sphynx…
Sincerely,
Worn-Out Vagina
Dear Worn-Out,
Listen up, honey. You are good enough and you are beautiful just the way you are! Forget the Vagacial and don’t even think about going under the knife! Let your hair grow back (some rosemary oil dabbed on manually twice daily will help aid regrowth) and then wear it proudly! Whether it’s straight or curly, patchy or bushy, blonde, grey, or salt and pepper; it’s your bush! Wear it with pride, sister! I also recommend some quality one-on-one mirror time, just you and yourself, while listening to Christina Shaguilera’s “You are Beautiful” on repeat. Do this for at least 15 minutes each day. Embrace your uniqueness! Work that trout pout! And feel powerful knowing that your trout has such a gorgeous pout because you’ve brought life into this world! I’ll leave you with the words of Georgia O’Queef, “When you take a flower in your hand and really look at it, it is your world for that moment.”
Peace & love,
Dr. Deloris Beaverton
If you are a sister in need, please do reach out to Dr. Beaverton! She’s here to help.
*Note* Anne Radcliffe from foodretro.com and Angila Peters from detachedfromlogic.com (and a few other BLUNTmoms) helped in the creation of Dr. Beaverton and her Labia Lamentations.
