I’m sitting here, having a moment in life I never imagined. Separated from my supposed one true love. It’s mutual, new, and the shock is finally subsiding. We’ve talked, cried, and promised to be kind and mindful.
The person I most hurt for my inner little girl. She was so convinced that marriage would make her whole, beautiful and loved. If I could just tell her to do it differently I would.
I’m sorry little one.
I see you sitting there make believing that big story again. We used to play wedding a lot , didn’t we? Wearing Mom’s veil and naming the invisible groom. We set up an audience and made invitations out of construction paper. We played for hours.
You hear Mama saying find someone just like daddy. She tells you that when you have kids, and a husband it will all be the best. There’s a dull twinkle in her eye. She’s dreaming up your future. As you add her to the script, you see how happy she will be. How Daddy will be so proud to hand you over. It’s their fantasy not yours. But you don’t see that, and you won’t, not yet.
I’m grabbing your little face and whispering in your ear. “It ain’t so.”
The wedding is but a day. It’s a dress, dinner and dancing. That’s it. It’s a piece of paper. An impossible promise of together forever. Please forgive the cynic who wants to reteach you the ending of that dream. It’s no fairy tale, princess. Smoke and mirrors baby doll.
I’m sorry I encouraged you to change your opinions to please others. I’m so very wrong for silencing you. I convinced you it would all be worth it. To change that last name, to surrender, to belong to another.
As my inner little girl you needed to learn to set aside your reservations so I forced you down. I taught you that marriage is breath, and wholeness and completion. The ultimate win.
And when we found him, he was perfect. He’s still a great guy. Thank God it’s not a horror movie. No, you got lucky there. See, his book reads a lot like yours. Find a wife, settle down have kids. Provide. Be a good man. But he sees the truth too. It’s all mystical. Two people so not made for each other, but good enough to try it out. Blessed enough to create amazing children,but finally honest enough to own truth.
I’m sorry darling child. For the tears you shed now. For the shame of failure. I ache to hold and rock you. And I will. This time I can step in and pull you from the depths of despair. Because I love you so much.
You’re a strong woman and you will recover. It may not seem so, but you are so incredibly blessed to have years left to rewrite. Composing a new, and authentic final chapter.
We will go together. Just you and me. Singing songs we like and not adjusting the volume.
We will never settle.
We will love ourselves fiercely, and unlearn our lie that we need someone else in order to be whole. We are everything we need. It’s scary, but it’s all we have.
No one can make us happy. Just you, and me. Together, alone.
3 Comments
This is so good. I’m sorry your little girl is hurting, but it sounds like you are taking good care of her now. I know that feeling, that feeling of being catapulted back to a fantasy, the age of a child with expectations and fears and the need for safety. Really nice writing, and I’m glad you didn’t end up in a horror movie also. 🙂
I have tears in my eyes but I feel excited for you! There’s hope and the light in the next chapter…
Your honesty is refreshing. I believe truth-telling is the only way to healing, and you have generously acknowledged the lies you foisted on your inner child. You want to hold and heal this “child” through the turbulence of learning to live in truth because you love her. What’s sad to me is that you have stopped short of the whole purpose of marriage, and you are already more than halfway there! Your husband has also faced the truth, a major achievement for two legally bonded individuals. You were both deceived by the same lie. If that desire to help heal the inner child you love and live in truth could be focused on each other rather than self, your children would see a real-life example of what marriage is really supposed to be about. Please don’t short-change yourselves again. Pursue the whole truth:).