Synthetic. Quick, what comes to mind?

For me, it’s the implied inferiority when compared with natural. It’s polyester compared to cotton, or artificial sweeteners versus sugar.

And despite what Dolce and Gabbana think, there is nothing artificial or inferior about my child.

She was conceived with donor sperm by IVF. Before she entered our achingly-empty arms, we endured a long journey through infertility. We tried on our own for several years, took a break as we settled into a new city, began pursuing adoption, stopped pursuing adoption when we realized how much less expensive infertility treatments would be, underwent fertility testing, then had 2 unsuccessful rounds of IVF with sperm surgically extracted from my husband and one donor sperm IVF cycle that ended in miscarriage.

I wouldn’t be offended if you think of her conception as synthetic. When a friend asked if we conceived while we were on vacation in Nova Scotia, I had to laugh. There was no romance, no exotic setting. Only the cool detachment of a clinical procedure, a desperate hoping that this would be the start of parenthood for us, and the fear that we would again be disappointed.

Her conception does pose some challenges for us, challenges which we have already begun to navigate, but which may get more tricky as she gets older. We have decided to be open with her about having a donor; we already talk about him and about which traits she may have gotten from him. Some of our family know (mostly because they asked questions which would have been awkward or impossible to answer without acknowledging the donor), but some do not, and we are not sure how, or even if, we will bring it up.  

We are still working out what to say when people ask questions like, “Where did she get her beautiful eyes?”  While we don’t feel obligated to divulge her donor status to complete strangers, there are no clear boundaries when it comes to acquaintances and friends. We are leaning toward allowing our daughter to control the information, to be the one who decides who gets to know what, but that is also not straightforward since some people already know, and there is bound to be hurt feelings when people who aren’t in-the-know eventually are informed.

We chose to use an identity-release donor, meaning that when our daughter turns 18, she can, if she chooses, make contact with her donor. I don’t know whether she will want to contact him, but at least the opportunity is there. We also have the option of joining a sibling registry, where we could conceivably connect with other families who have children from the same donor. My husband and I haven’t talked much about this yet, but again, it’s a resource that’s available to my daughter should she want to take advantage of it.

I don’t know what questions my daughter will have about her origins, or how her non-traditional conception will affect her sense of self or her feelings about us as her parents. I don’t know what kinds of identity challenges she will face. I do know that despite her “synthetic” beginnings, she has a very real family, with real parents, who will face the challenges with real love.

Amy honed her parenting skills by practicing on other people’s children as a middle and high school teacher, tutor, and nanny. She lives in Cambridge, Massachusetts with her daughter, husband, and a menagerie of stuffed animals with unique personalities. Find her at abetterwayparenting.com

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