I know that all the good women of the world shriek that we should not judge each other’s mothering. I get it… really I do.

Let me start by saying I have made great strides in this area. I no longer say anything to parents with 5-year-olds using soothers, sitting in strollers at the mall. I have found some inner peace around women who breastfeed well after the kid can march up, lift her shirt and demand Babby Nookums. I have even managed to stifle myself when I see Mom cutting up meat for a 12-year-old because he is too busy on his iPhone in a restaurant. I tell myself “she is coping the best she can.”

See? I am getting there.

Where I draw the line is at people who EAT placenta. Their own, somebody else’s, who gives a shit?

Let that sink in. Placenta eaters. People who eat a bloody, disposable organ that was delivered to their plate via vagina.

…That is just weird.

On the Earth Muffin Hippy website that promotes this practice, I found this gem: “Eating your placenta is said to help you recover from the birth, as well as help ward off the baby blues. There’s no scientific evidence that it works, but we do it anyway.

Seriously? What on earth would prompt you to do that? Just because the animal kingdom does it why should we? My dog eats cat shit, are you going to take that up too? I would want some pretty damned strong evidence that this was worth doing before I would sign up for “postpartum liver and onions night.” It is called afterbirth for a reason. If the baby is done with it… you should be too.

What I really wonder is what the poor husband thinks of this? My bet is that he figures if he doesn’t go along with flower child wife’s idea, he isn’t going to get any rumpy-bumpy until he chows down on the miracle gift from her body that made his baby. Guys do not do these things of their own volition. I am willing to bet $20 he doesn’t tell his friends about it either.

Can you picture the scene at poker night? “Hey guys, we spent all last weekend freeze-drying the gelatinous ooze creature that slithered out of my wife’s coochy after the baby was born. I sprinkle it on my eggs in the morning. Want to come over for brunch?”

No. They do not.

Now if some scientist (a legitimate one) said that eating my placenta would have taken away the 67 pounds I gained, made my baby sleep, caused my husband to be less irritating, or solved my child-care issues, I would have eaten it raw at the hospital.

Take vitamins, sure. Eat healthy, and find things to do with kale that make you not gag it up by all means. But please stop doing weird shit with your placenta. Bury it in the yard in a ceremony to honour the birth… and then invite us all in to crack a beer afterwards.

But know this: if you are a hippy and have recently had a child, I will look with suspicion at every shaker on your table.

Author

Our Editor-in-Chief Magnolia Ripkin is sort of like your mouthy Aunt who drinks too much and tells you how to run your life, except funny... well mostly funny... like a cold glass of water in the face. She writes a flagrantly offensive blog at Magnolia Ripkin Advice Blog answering pressing questions about business, personal development, parenting, heck even the bedroom isn't safe. She is the Editor in Chief at BluntMoms. Other places to find her: Huffington Post, The Mighty and Modern Loss. You can also check her out in two amazing compendiums of bloggers who are published in “I Just Want To Be Alone.” And most recently, Martinis and Motherhood, Tales of Wonder, Woe and WTF

6 Comments

  1. Finally! You said something we all want to say but feel we cant. It is so weird that women do this, they do know that their babies waste passes through it while in the womb! ugh

    • and the breast milk ornaments….why why why???? (women send in portions of breast milk to a gal who creates jewelry from them for mom and child…..) WHY?

  2. My niece is 6 years old and I’m pretty sure my sister has her placenta still frozen in the back of her freezer. She was planning on having it dried, made into powder and filled in caplets. I was like WTF??? I nearly gaged watching my cat eat the placenta after her kittens were born, it’s just too much To handle.

  3. I’m doing it. I’m having it dried and encapsulated and I’ll be taking the capsules.
    If it gives me any tiny smidgen of help for the hell of postpartum anxiety and depression that is coming for me it will be worth it. If it is even a placebo effect it will be worth it.
    Before I walked through hell I would have laughed and gagged right along with you. But I personally know women it has helped. They aren’t crazy hippies, or whatever you want to call them. They are warriors.
    So I will try it. Feel free to laugh and gag.
    If you’re mother who dealt with a maternal mental illness and you are considering this please know that you aren’t crazy and you are allowed to try whatever may help you win your war.
    My name is Graeme, I’m going to be a placenta eater (or pill swallowed, technically) and I’m not embarrassed or ashamed.

    • I was low on cash this pregnancy but decided that if I got post natal depression I would definitely do it next time. Currently at 6 months post partum I’m doing great so fingers crossed it won’t be necessary.

      Best of luck to you and I hope that you don’t get hit with round two… Placenta eater or not.

  4. When I think of the placenta partakers (and truly I try to avoid that), I have to wonder exactly HOW they suck down that nasty coil of slime. Oscillate it into an omelet? Flambe it atop flan (yet another reason to detest flan)? Grind it into granola? Or perhaps brandish it atop a brownie? Really, I’d like to know. Well, maybe not … but I’m morbidly curious about the logistics of ingesting one’s own goo.

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