I think we all have that friend who picked some dorky name for their kid.
Or worse, made a ridiculous mash up of two normal names because they couldn’t decide on a moniker that actually exists. It is a kind of arrogance because these misguided new parents honestly believe that their tiny human will be so exceptional and unique in the world that they must have a name unlike any other in the universe. I suspect this a North American phenomenon. Kayleryan and Gramsickle…. is this really necessary?
I suppose it is better to create new names than simply giving names that mean “Son of” or “daughter of” which feels not only old-fashioned but links the kid permanently to an unproven entity that is their new parent. What if the Mom or Dad turn out to be a serial killer or worse, a conservative? Now you are an adult and your name means “son of Charles Manson.”
Don’t even get me started on “unique” spellings of traditional names. This child you just pushed out will curse you for eternity because they have to spell out Alexzandre, Cydnee, and Dafydd….every…single…time.
Nothing says “my parents were pretentious twits” like a kid named Jazzmyn.
I mean, it is hard enough to make it in the business world as a woman without the anchor of a name with a silly spelling… jeez. Worse yet, if you spell “Erica” as “Airwrecka” there is a good chance you are announcing the full depth of your illiteracy to the world.
The tradition that befuddles me more than any of the others is the concept of naming your child after yourself. There are multiple generations of British Lords all named Edward or Aberthorn – distinguishable only by their number. I kind of wonder if it is considered impolite to ask “Which Englethorpe are you? Are you the Second, Third or Fourth Lord of the shire?”
I guess I can see it being a royal tradition or cultural norm in some places to assign a number to your offspring, but in modern times is it really necessary to have the same name for two people in one house? It seems that no matter what the name is, the kid becomes known as “Junior.” Poor thing. There must be some emotional impact to being called something that smacks of “less than” or “small version of larger person.”
Legacy naming seems to be more of a dude thing rather than for the girls. In fact, I have met exactly one person who named her daughter after herself and it was weird. Somehow it seems stranger than when a guy does it. I can’t figure out why it is odd to have Mother and Daughter called the same thing? Maybe it is because we don’t really know what the female equivalent of “Junior” might be? Maybe “Mini?”
Yeah, because that wouldn’t be hilarious or anything.
To be clear, I am not advocating bringing back some of the older names for modern babies either. I think that vintage names like Ethel and Winifred have had their time and we need to leave them on headstones where they are quaint. Sometimes old names like Grace and Violet and Arthur are ok and have aged well. Whereas Alvin, Gertrude and Wilbur sound like an excerpt from the passenger list of the Titanic.
Steer clear of that iceberg.
A final note about naming traditions in a multicultural context. I wish I could provide consultation services to some of the eager Asian immigrants who happily translate their perfectly functional Chinese names into ill-advised English approximations. Doctors, scientists and researchers from major Asian Universities who arrive in the West and choose new English names like: Tinkie, Kitty, Dickie and Samsam because they think it is fun to say. Totally fun to say, but somebody needs to tell them what the word “cartoon” means.
There are so many awesome names out there, your choices are vast and your final decision can be defining for your little bundle. So, if you are sitting there right now thinking “my name is totally cool, we should name the baby after me” just remember, unless you are a British noble, your offspring, “Junior” or “Mini”, will curse you for eternity.
19 Comments
I was at the hospital recently and over the intercom came “Meow, room 404 please. Meow.” Hysterical was probably not what they were going for.
Dr. Meow Kitty – code blue.
I am named after my mother. My parents were convinced I was going to be a boy and my name was going to be Mike. Surprise, surprise out came a girl and they had not planned for that, lol. My maternal grandmother suggested I be named after my mother since my older brother was named after my father and paternal grandfather so that’s what they did. Coincidentally, my paternal grandmother was also named Patricia Durda so I actually became a third, haha.
Mini the 3rd? That makes you a micro Mini, and you are probably adorable as hell.
Clearly, my child thought my husband and I did a shitty job naming her, she re-named herself…to “Barb.” “Barb Marley” to be exact.
My son is the 5th Jesse in my husbands family, but they all have different middle names. They went by Jesse, Jr, Danny (middle name), Jes, and now my son is J. My husbands grandmother refers to them by number. My son says he likes it, but his kid would not be Jesse VI because you can’t shorten J in further.
The next one could be J-Dude maybe?
My kids have unusual names, because I’m a teacher, so any “normal” name we could think of reminded me of a student. My stepson was already Kolton, so we stayed with the “K” theme, so my littles are Kord and Kacyn.
Ha! I think we all have the same issue in choosing names because there is always somebody you hated/dated that shares the moniker. It would be super hard as a teacher.
Oh, so they are the KKK kids. Nice.
My God mother named my youngest daughter Natalia Anthonia. She was suppose to be a boy and named Nathaniel Anthony Thompson Jr after her father lol
I hear that a lot… it was “supposed” to be a boy – which explains many names – I think Natalia is really nice… as long as everybody is happy about her being a she.
Don’t let any future boy’s be named Jr,
I’m with you on the whole naming thing, Magnolia! In my family, paternal side, the first born son has been George since the 1700’s. My brother got it as a middle name, breaking tradition for the first time. His oldest son has George for a middle name, too, but at least we can tell them all apart now.
I, also being a teacher, am having a nightmare of a time trying to name the current parasite. But being an English teacher I also feel the need for a normal, civil name that is 100% spelt traditionally. I currently have an Amity and can’t come up with this boy’s name. Yet your list of don’t bring them back has been inspiration. Alvin sounds great and has been added to the list and Arthur is already there! My friend (also a teacher) had a Winifred a few months ago… It seems that the unusual, old school names are our go to.
Dafydd is an actual Welsh name, and it’s pronounced “da-vith”.
I wish more moms would push back on dads insisting sons be named Jr , I was always told that’s not what your dad would do, and you have your dads name your expected to be your dad.
I wish more moms would push back on naming their sons Jr, it becomes a curse and Jr is not allowed to be himself and is always told that’s not what your father would do.
Wow the arrogance of the author, decrying every person who might choose a reason other than hers to name a child. Feel bad for her children.