When I was around seven years old I remember my Mother coming home after doing the groceries as she always did on Saturday mornings. This time, she was in a frightful state, rattled and sweating as she sat at the kitchen table. Her bike was dumped on the front lawn, bags and all. When I asked her what happened, and being the only one she could vent to, she blurted out her story to my young ears.

She had taken a different route home that day. It was a shortcut through a forested path and it was steep so she was walking her bike. She heard a movement in the tall grass and saw two feet sticking toes up onto the path. She approached and found this guy, naked save for a balaclava hiding his face.  He was rubbing one out just waiting for people to come on by to see his pathetic display.

I will never forget the detail my mother added, she said his eyes looked like he was drugged or something. Likely it was just the ecstasy at having a victim. It scared her so much she was ready to jam her front tire between his testicles. She thought better of it and came flying home, terrified and upset.

I am sure she thought about it often, and probably never took that shortcut again. She was a nervous type anyway, so it probably lingered in her thoughts for a long time afterwards.

Being seven when this guy felt the need to insert his penis into our lives and then my Mother’s reaction to it left me terrified. I didn’t have enough life experience, much less any context to find a place in my brain to park that shit. The result was I now had my own haunting monster (that felt very real) who was waiting in the bushes to show me his sad little pecker.  I know how common this behaviour is now that I am full grown, but when I was a child,  his dick became a dragon in my nightmares.

As an aside, why on earth did my mother feel the need to go into this level of detail to a seven-year-old?

As for the pervert can anybody tell me this; why do these men do it? Do they seriously get off on the fear they engender in women and children who see their little show? I am sure I could research the science of this behaviour, but for now, I just want to rant about it. Incidentally, it is almost always men who feel the need to expose themselves to the world. Also in public places mostly and not picking a particular victim, just random passers-by who can never unsee it, or for that matter, explain it to their children.

Back when that man felt the need to traumatize us, I had visions of my father going over there and beating him up. As I got older, I had visions of me making him bleed with my ten-speed.

Later in life as my adult friends and I commiserated about flashers, I came to realize that most of us had seen some sad broken man with his pants down and his dick in his hand, grinning. The reactions of women I polled were all so different. Some would aggressively swear at him, drawing a crowd that shunned the guy and his dangling balls. Others would just walk away quickly in shock. My personal favourites are the ones who pointed and laughed.

In a sad evolution of the guy in the grass are the more prevalent and relentless dick pics that are the scourge of online dating. Is all this displaying of little nubs and marbles some sort of ancient mating ritual? Do these men not know we laugh and delete?

There must be some inherent reward for the losers who do this, especially live and in person. There is something more personal and invasive facing a mother with her child, or a teenage girl and masturbating. Forcing them to see it and watching the reaction. These perverts must feel it is worth it to them to traumatize sensitive folk and children.

I am no longer upset about this now distant memory of Mom and her scary experience since I am now north of fifty. Nowadays I would likely be one of the ones laughing, but catch me on the wrong day and whatever I have in my hand will be buried in his crotch.





Our Editor-in-Chief Magnolia Ripkin is sort of like your mouthy Aunt who drinks too much and tells you how to run your life, except funny... well mostly funny... like a cold glass of water in the face. She writes a flagrantly offensive blog at Magnolia Ripkin Advice Blog answering pressing questions about business, personal development, parenting, heck even the bedroom isn't safe. She is the Editor in Chief at BluntMoms. Other places to find her: Huffington Post, The Mighty and Modern Loss. You can also check her out in two amazing compendiums of bloggers who are published in “I Just Want To Be Alone.” And most recently, Martinis and Motherhood, Tales of Wonder, Woe and WTF

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