With Utah’s Warren Jeffs in jail for assaulting young children he imagined were his wives, I got to thinking about the pros and cons of polygamy. Why would any woman in her right mind share her husband with other wives?

The advantage of having the bed to yourself for 6 nights a week is not enough to convince me to go halfsies with another wife. If you are already calling on friends to share, consider these thoughts before you offer to be matron of honour at your husband’s wedding:

  1. When my husband is around I can stop rolling my eyes and muttering ‘what the fuck’ under my breath at our kids. He can separate and desist the hooligans from killing each other for a while. If it was only one day per week I had a break from parenting, I am not sure our children would have survived this long without calling Children’s Aid themselves.
  2. I am a great wife. Damn, my husband has it down-right fabulous. He, however, is not comparing me to anyone. Comparing to other wives seems inevitable and what if some of the others don’t agree that tacos are gourmet or they are into anal?
  3. No one would come and take care of you when you are sick if your part-time husband could hang with wives that don’t snot on him when they talk.
  4. What if you are wife #3 and the previous two wives trained him wrong? What if they taught him to expect a hot meal every night or sexy lingerie under those cleaning frocks? Or worse, that his laundry would be folded and put away for him. You can’t undo that shit if it is being reinforced every day across the courtyard from you.
  5. I don’t even like to share my meal. How would I share a husband? I would get 1/10th of the presents, attention and help. I am way more high maintenance than that. And having sloppy seconds would be a good day instead of cause for a lawyer. Just no.
  6. Which wife gets to go to the fun parties? I mean the ones that you get to dress up and drink up and kids are not involved. Not the ones with clowns, cheap pizza, dollar store loot bags and conversation with new mothers about poop consistency.
  7. When you are having sex and he tries something new, do you wonder which of his wives are into that? That could be a bit of a buzz kill. Then, how do you look that woman in the eye at the grocery store without snickering or shaking your head?
  8. What if you don’t like one of the neighbour wives? Are you forced to spend every fucking holiday with them and coordinate tuna casseroles? Exhausting.
  9. Who gets to go on vacations? I need to take my two weeks a year. And honey, sex every day on holiday is kind of a thing so you have to leave those other bitches at home because, no sharesies.

Sure, it might be fun to feed your husband curry and garlic just before he leaves for the night. Sure, you could be the one trying the new things and making the other women live up to your amazingness. Then again, why wouldn’t you want to only have a husband 1 day a week? If you have a headache on your ‘day’ you just send him next door until someone lets him sleep on the couch. But the fun wouldn’t last forever. The first time you had the tables turned it would get very ugly.

Kristine Laco

Kristine Laco shares the stories we all have with a splash of sarcasm, a pinch of bitch and a ton of wine at Adulting In Progress dot com. Her middle finger is her favourite and she lives by the motto that if you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them. She takes selfies at the gyno. Taco Tuesday is her gospel. Reality TV is real folks. She is making turning 50 a job because she doesn't have one.

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