I’m generally a very even-tempered person. I tend to let things roll off my back, I don’t usually take things personally and I’m very forgiving.

Just kidding. Sorry if any of my family members just died laughing from reading that first paragraph. The truth is, I spend about 80% of my time talking myself off an emotional ledge.

I’m pretty good at my little self-pep-talks… though there are certain situations that’ll send me over that ledge I just mentioned. Lately I’ve been doing all sorts of super-deep self-examination (OMG that sounds so gross) like, you know, the introspective kind, trying to be a better mom, wife, woman, etc… the typical stuff. So I’ve been on hyper-alert. I’m trying to accept certain feelings, trying to label them… and then releasing them to the cosmos. Or something. I have no idea if this shit is gonna make me less or more crazy. I’ll let you know in a few months how things are workin’ out for me, mkay?

One of my new favorite feelings to identify is: Things That Make Me Want to Cut a Bitch.

Don’t freak out, I’m not going to go all murdery on you guys; I just think it’s sort of an interesting experiment to take note of these rage-y feelings that occasionally boil up inside of me. Maybe this will be a series or something.

The first thing that makes me want to cut a bitch is when someone hurts my kid. Even if by accident. It really doesn’t matter, I will still vividly fantasize about ramming a brick into someone’s face if they hurt my kid. Like the other day, we were at a rest stop gas station, and as I walked out with my four-year-old, Mari, some lady swung her arm and hit Mari in her sweet little perfect baby arm with her lit cigarette. As she apologized repeatedly and profusely (and Mari screamed), here is what I thought: What the fuck are you doing smoking a cigarette right where everyone is walking? Even if you’re not waving your arms around with a lit cigarette in your hand – which is stupid enough in and of itself – you still shouldn’t be exposing everybody to secondhand smoke just because you have an addiction. There are other places to smoke. Also? Watch where you’re swinging that fucking torch. Idiot. (Mari’s arm is okay, by the way.)

Yeah. But that’s normal enough, right?

The second thing I noticed makes me want to cut a bitch is if I think about my husband boinking another woman. Somehow or another I got into a conversation with some friends of mine about sex drives and someone made a joke about how the one of us with the strongest sex drive should have sex with the husbands of the other women with the weaker sex drives. Everyone thought that was wonderfully hilarious, and so did I, except: I should not have pictured that actually occurring in my head. Because it made me want to cut a bitch. My husband is mine. MINE. I will boink my husband even when I’m bored and unhorny in order to keep him content because MINE FUCKING MINE. Now I’m not gonna pretend I’m always perfectly chaste and monogamous in my private fantasies, because… mkay actually nevermind, not gonna talk about that but whatever. I’ve been informed by some extremely reliable sources that I am normal in that regard. The point I am trying to make is, I don’t do sharing. I don’t even do thinking about sharing.

Still kind of normal, I think. Jealousy isn’t the weirdest thing anyone’s ever heard of, right?

The last thing I’ve noticed lately that makes me want to cut a bitch? When I get a hair stuck to the back of my arm. The odd thing about this last one is that I don’t have anyone at whom to direct my anger. It’s a lot of spinning, flailing and couch-flipping. But you know, you have to find the hair. You can’t just fucking leave it there.

That’s a fun new feeling to identify, isn’t it? Why don’t you try it now: What makes you want to cut a bitch?

(This piece first ran on Abandoning Pretense.)

Kristen Mae
Author

Kristen Mae is a novelist, freelancer, classical musician, and artist. Follow her on Abandoning Pretense, and check out her books, Beyond the Break and Red Water, available now at most online booksellers.

15 Comments

  1. I have countless things that make me want to cut a bitch! Including, when I find out about someone mistreating my loved ones. Strange people(not necessarily strangers) invading my personal space. Discourteous or slow drivers. High gas prices. Stupid people oh and my period.

    Aaahhh that feels better, we should do this more often!

  2. One of the things that just make me want to cut a bitch so bad is when someone makes an oily / greasy stain on the table and doesn’t clean it up or doesn’t even have the decency to *warn* me of the stain’s existence and then I sit at the table with my notebook and get an oily / greasy stain on my page.
    Sonofab*tch don’t even make me think about it my blood is boiling already!…

  3. The loose hair stuck to any body part makes me want to flip furniture. Especially when YOU KNOW it’s there but cannot SEE OR FIND IT! And, if someone hit my kid with a lit cigarette—wow. I’m scared to type out what I would do. THAT IS FUCKING AWFUL!

  4. Totally agree on the husband jealousy rage. He is MINE! Don’t look at him like that, I will hurt you! Even if most of it is my imagined issue, I will cut a bitch. I try not to let that craziness come out too often, she’s in my head, but when need be….. 😀

  5. Sarah Zinn

    Slow drivers, and slow walkers, especially when they take up the whole walkway and act oblivious to anyone trying to get around them. Also, and this one seems to come up more and more lately: direct sales. I have more friends and family in these schemes, and their fb feeds have become one giant sales pitch.

  6. One of several things that make me want to cut a bitch is simply when a bitch gives me a condescending stare. That infuriates me even if it’s a friend, loved one, or stranger.

    I may or may not be guilty of doing the same stare, but regardless, don’t do it to me!

  7. Mistreating loved ones!! YES!!!!! The rage that fills me when this happens is scary…even to me!

  8. Cutting a bitch is how low life chavs behave and threaten on social housing sink estates. What you are effectively saying is that when somebody looks at you the wrong way, stands in the way inadvertently, flirts with your husband or tells your child off when they are in the wrong deserves to be maimed. Oh and by the way it’s legal to smoke outside and if people want to smoke then they should be able to even in front of your precious darlings.

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