Dear child of mine,

Last night your dad and I had a fight. I know you could feel the tension rising all day long, and finally it erupted. Fortunately for you, our fights are few and far between, but still you will remember them. You don’t even know it but you are watching the way that your dad and I treat each other and that is helping you to gain skills and deficits that you will bring to your future relationships.

I’m not sorry that you have to see us fight, because I actually think you learn some really important lessons from our disagreements. It sounds kind of strange, but the people that you fight with the most are probably the people that you care about the most. I care so much about your dad and that means that you are going to witness fights between the two of us.

Here are just a few things that I hope you learn from these disagreements.

Relationships are hard. Fairy tales are magical, but this is real life, kid. Relationships take work and compromise, and sometimes compromise really sucks. Making a relationship work takes effort, a healthy dose of patience, and forgiveness.

It’s okay to be mad, but it’s not okay to hit. Emotions are normal- everyone has them. But no matter how mad we are, we don’t hit. I’ve told you this message so many times over the years and the same holds true when you’re an adult. Mom and dad may get mad at each other, and we may yell, but we never hit.

There isn’t one way to solve a problem. Sometimes we talk things out, sometimes I hide in the pantry with a bag of chocolate chips, and sometimes I cry alone in my room. The key to fixing every argument isn’t the same every time. It’s okay to spend some time alone in your room when you’re mad, and sometimes cooling off is the perfect recipe to being ready to make changes and talk calmly.

The thing you’re fighting about often isn’t the real issue. Sometimes you might be really confused why we are having a blowout argument about the dishwasher. Really, why is that important?! See, it’s not about the dishwasher (or at least most of the time it isn’t.) It’s about something bigger, like respect. I might be angry that daddy didn’t call me before coming home, but I’m actually mad because I’m perceiving that he doesn’t respect my time and my work.

Have high expectations. There are times to let things go, but there are also times, little one, where you have to fight for what you need. Have high expectations in your relationships. Be brave and willing to ask for the things that will make you and your relationships better.

It’s scary when your parents fight. Fighting puts a yucky feeling right in the middle of your belly. It’s scary to see your mom or dad so mad and sometimes it doesn’t make any sense. I’m probably not the person that is going to be your safety when I’m mad, but it’s good for you to find other things that calm you down. Maybe you need to head downstairs and draw a picture or maybe you need to snuggle up with your sister and read a book. Figuring out how to deal with that scary feeling even without your mom or dad to coach you through it is such a valuable skill.

We will fight about you. Remember how I said, relationships are hard? Parenting together is extra hard, so you will inevitably see us fighting about you. Part of being in any type of relationship is learning to work together and make decisions together. Adding in a kid (or two or three) just adds more things to compromise about. See, you didn’t come with an instruction manual, so your dad and I are figuring it out on the fly. Sometimes we celebrate when we get it right and sometimes we argue about what we think is going wrong.

I still love your dad. Your dad can make me so mad that my head nearly explodes, but that doesn’t stop me from loving him. Just like when you push my buttons, I will always love you. We are going to experience good times and hard times in this family, but we will always figure it out together.

I realize this is a lot for you to soak in from the fights that you witness. I know that you’re not going to get these messages all at once, but I’m going to continue to fight in front of you. I want you to see that being angry is normal and is part of every relationship.

And while I’m telling you about how you should understand that fighting is normal and everyone does it, sometimes you need to remind your parents that too.  You see, we parents can feel really guilty after we have a fight, and when you’re a witness to the fight, our guilt goes up another notch. Sometimes when we’re coming off a big argument, nothing feels better than having you to give me a hug. For me, that hug means– I love you and I understand that you were hurting.  I love you so much child of mine, but I’m not sorry that sometimes I fight in front of you. You’re learning important lessons watching me make sense of my relationship with your dad.

I hope one day that you’ll thank me. If not, the therapy bill is on me.

Love,

Mom

 

About the author: Sam Grant is trying her best to raise three future contributing members to society and manages with a handful of chocolate chips and a sprinkle of sarcasm. She fills her time in her day job writing academic research and evaluation reports. Bluntmoms is the debut of the creative posts that she writes in her head.  You can become one of her ten friends on Twitter @WriteonGrant.

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1 Comment

  1. Love this site! Real life and truth, not tight-assed stuff just good judgment! This from a baby-boomer mom of 3adult kids who heard/saw plenty of arguing at home.
    Great advice here, life lessons with a joke thrown in. Sharing this stuff. Thanks ??

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