You ever feel like there is a party going on in your head and you weren’t invited? On any given day there are at least ten different women partying it up inside my brain and I never know which one is going to pop out.
Perhaps I should introduce you.
Queen Elizabeth: Listen up young-hip-cutie bum-bum Kate, there is only room for one royal in this kingdom and yes; I do plan on living forever. So back off all you young, smoother mommas and don’t even think about touching this crown.
Mona Lisa: The original resting bitch face. The look of a true woman, giving out no information whatsoever but keeping everyone wondering…Does she know? Am I in trouble? WTF is she thinking? Oh man, I’m so screwed.
Ellen DeGeneres: I may be Mona Lisa on the outside but on the inside I am absolutely hilarious. Matter of fact I have a whole comedy show going on in my head all the time causing me to break into fits of laughter while standing by myself in line at Starbucks, during parent teacher conferences and occasionally when attending funerals.
Julia Child: A little more wine, a little more salt, let’s add some bacon and cream, maybe another glass of wine for me…What? Shit, you’re vegan now? Oh sure, yes, this is vegan. Totally vegan. Can’t you just pluck out the bacon? (“Always remember if you are alone in the kitchen and you drop the lamb, you pick it up. Who is going to know?” Julia Childs)
Sophia Vergara: Hola papacita, meow. (Ok, The rest is for my husband)
Tanya Harding: Don’t we all have that one person in our lives who is just a smidge prettier and nicer and more successful than us, and boy, wouldn’t it feel so great to just pop her one.
Florence Nightingale: Wash your hands! I must say it fifteen hundred times a day! Wash. Your. Hands!
Caitlyn Jenner: I think being a man is a pretty good deal in this world, but some days I want to wear a wrap dress and put on some lipstick.
Mother Theresa. Oh, I just want to scoop up all those poor little souls out there and give them some love! Feed the children, help the pandas, reform all those the bitchy women on the soccer sidelines…never mind, I can’t save them all.
Marie Antoinette. Dinner again? I don’t care what they eat. They’re vegans. Let them eat cake.